surprised support

I had an interesting experience today. Every Sunday I go to the local Cafe to work on my art and relax. Usually I get a lot of interesting looks from the other patrons. Some are friendly and some are not. Well today,  an older couple sat in the booth next to me. The lady immediately asked me what I was doing. I was working on art collages at the time. She asked if it was for school and I told her that it was for personal reasons. She went on to eat her meal with her husband. After they were finished and ready to leave, they both came over and started looking at my collages and asking questions. I was able to explain the themes of different ones and they pointed out different things they noticed. She patted me on the shoulder and said I was doing good.

How refreshing to be accepted exactly as I am without judgement. Especially when dealing with my personal art.  I tend to think that people wouldn't understand my art so I keep a lot of it private now I'm beginning to see that even the personal art I create has the ability to reach out to others. I'm not alone in the experiences that I have gone through.

broken heart

The heart, once broken, is difficult to mend. A broken heart becomes a heart of strength. It can endure much because it has already weathered much. A broken heart is, essentially, the essence of a brave soul.

thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. Giving thanks. A day where we celebrate the blessings that we have no matter how small. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday by far. Not just for the food, but for the fellowship that we share with one another. Thanksgiving isn't about the turkey and stuffing. It isn't about pumpkin pie and whipped cream. Thanksgiving is about family and friends. Being grateful for the things in our lives that have lifted us up and showed us that we aren't alone.
I am thankful for many things. Almost too much to list, but the top one is, that I'm thankful for the support people in my life who have helped me become who I am today.
And that is the most precious thing to me.

paperwork and moving

I'm in the process of applying for a bigger apartment and it has been anxiety filled! There has been so much paperwork, I never imagined it to be this hard and drawn out. I am beginning to see more and more how my worldview is not very knowledgeable. I'm learning things now that I should've already experienced. For instance, taking an animal to a vet. Or at least going in to make the appointment. There was paperwork involved there too. Or buying meat at a grocery store. I've bought hamburger before, and sausage, but to buy the roast I wanted, I had to stop and think about it. And I even asked a cashier how to cook a roast in a crock pot. No paperwork needed.
Then there are the endless things that I keep thinking about needing for this new apartment. I have to remind myself that I don't and can't get it all at once, but in chunks. My apartment will look pretty void of furniture. But that's OK. I am excited for this new chapter of my life. Having a full apartment and not an efficiency, will be a treat. Having a sink and a bathtub and a living room and a kitchen will be like heaven on earth to me. And yet, I do have to admit that I am thankful for the place I've been staying the last 2 years. It came to me as emergency housing and has been a place if refuge for me.
The more I sit here writing this post, the more I realize that people and things will always come and go in my life. Jobs and living arrangements are never permanent, as much as we like to think they are. And at the end of the day, the only thing that remains is the answer to this questions,

Was I grateful for the blessings?
Did I love with all of my being everyone who crossed paths with me?
Did I choose to do good and run from evil?
Did I allow myself to grow emotionally and spiritually today?
Did I care for myself by meeting my needs, evaluating my wants and surrendering all?

Those are the questions that are on my mind right now. I have to admit that I don't get it right every time. I mess up. But that's OK. There's always grace. More on that later...

dissociation

Dissociation is the worst defense mechanism; your brain is like “existing here in the real world is getting kinda difficult so how about you chill out here in the void instead.. oh is this an inopportune time? Are you in the middle of a conversation? Taking a test? Yeah? Ok great welcome to the v o i d”
- Comment on Borderline Personality Disorder and Beyond

This sums up the dissociation perfectly. The way that we can leave reality and exist in a void, where we can't be touched, we are in a place where safety is perceived but maybe not real. But it doesn't matter because in the void we are untouchable. Dissociation has a way of ruining relationships, destroying jobs, and ostracizing those of us who suffer from it. It's almost as if we live in a separate reality from the world. We think we're untouchable. We think that we're alone. We think that will always be this way and will always dissociate. But that's not true. There is hope. We are simply human, who happen to struggle with something much bigger than ourselves. But that makes us strong. To fight, and to live, and to keep going are the things that push us beyond our ability. The void that has been our safety, our refuge, and are way of processing the world around us, becomes unusual and unfamiliar to us as we learn to live in reality. Accepting things as they come, and believing that things can change is the only way that we can look at this world and live. We can get consumed by our fears and concerns, but that's not the way that we can live away that is wholesome and beautiful. It all comes down to choices. Even though most of the time we don't realize that we are dissociating, that doesn't give us an excuse to stay there. We don't have to stay in the void. We don't have to miss events in our lives or relationships that we have. We don't have to stay stuck in place that keeps us from moving forward. It's as simple as this, when you realize that you have dissociated, take the time to ground yourself by using your five senses. Taste, touch, sight, hearing, smelling, all are ways that can ground us to reality. It only takes a few minutes to use the five senses to get a grasp on reality and to leave the void. What do you have to lose? I struggle with dissociation. And it wreaks havoc on my life. But I'm not about to sit back and let it. I'm not going to allow it to control my life. That's why every time I realize that I'm dissociating, which is not all the time, but the moments that I do I lean towards using my senses to remind myself where I am and who I am. It's not easy. It's often full of tears. But I can guarantee but as I struggle in the end, I will be stronger.

unanswered questions

There will always be things that happen in our lives that we will not understand. I can think of many questions that, although people have tried to answer them, they remain a mystery. Those questions seem to always be the difficult questions that on one hand no one wants to answer and on the other people are desperate to have answers.

Questions like:

-Why do bad things happen to good people?
-Why did so and so do that and hurt me?
-Why do we have to die or why did our loved one doe so young or unexpectedly?
-Where was God when bad things happened to me, to a loved one?
-Why doesn't/didn't God heal me or my loved one?

I could go on, but you get the picture. Those are some powerful questions that have the potential to shape who we are and what we believe.

Part of being human is curiosity. We constantly want to know the how, why and what of things. God created us that way. To want to learn, to explore to go beyond the human limits. Change is inevitable. God is constant. We may never know the answers to those questions. I'm not even going to try to answer them because God is the one who has all the answers.
But I do want to say this, whatever happens in our lives, good or bad, if we keep our minds and hearts open to the unexplainable and unpredictable of God, then we can learn to accept, even a little bit, that in the end, God was there. He heard us. He didn't turn away from our suffering. He mourned with us, laughed with us, and was with us thru it all. How do I know this? Because I've experienced it. I've read about who God is in the Bible. I've cried and prayed and prayed and accepted unanswered prayers and broken heartedness. I've seen miracles happen to other people but not to me or my loved ones. I've seen death and the pain that it causes. I've seen how in the very moment when I needed someone to be there for me, I encountered God.
I still have doubts and fears. I still question God and His motives. I still hurt over family I have lost I still cry at night praying that God would draw near to me. I wouldn't be human if I didn't do those things.. Satan likes to give us am illusion that we are in control, not God. Satan likes to cause hatred and fear to be our companions instead of love and courage. We have a choice to make. Do we accept love and move forward in courage or do we sit down in hate and fear until that's all we have left? It's a daily choice we all have to make. I want to choose well.

true reality

I wanted to share this morning something that's in my heart right now. We often wish for life to go smoother than it really does; we get caught up in the "living in the now" mentality. We lose touch with the reality God intends for us to live in. Kingdom of God reality. Having the mindset of Jesus Christ. We lose the real reason for living.
Time goes by and our "laters" become "right nows". Promises we made to others demand to be fulfilled. And time still marches on without a care for careful planning.
What would it be like to see the truth behind every person's story? What would it take for us to give more than we take and not complain? Who would we run to if we didn't have God as our All in All? And would we be willing to put someone else first?
In all the centuries that have come and gone, mankind has not changed all that much. There's still poverty and sickness. There's still abuse and cheating. There's still hate and war. But there's also friendship and hope. People who seek to live in peace with others and people who go the extra mile for their neighbor. Nothing has changed in the world's history and yet everything has changed. We can look back and see out triumphs and mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them. Hopefully we seek out ways that we can become more loving. Our true reality isn't just pain and sorrow, neither is it joy and prosperity. Our reality is found somewhere in the in between, in the very center of what it is to be a created being. We are full or purpose and passion. God created us unique and yet each sharing similarities. When you look at someone, I mean really, really look at them; look past their appearance, beyond their voice, and find the true person that is waiting to be discovered. That is what it means to be known fully and loved anyways.
I look at my life rather judgmentaly. A memory is either good or bad. I do either good or bad things. My words are either good or bad. Even my thoughts of God are judged. It's like I am compelled to put a stamp of approval or disproval on everything about me and when I am ashamed and disapprove, how easily I condemn myself! Part of that comes from living with Borderline Personality Disorder and the black/white thinking I cam tend to have. No grey areas. But that's not God's design. There's always a middle ground. We've been conditioned to believe that when it comes to life, there are no grey areas unless they are positive ones. If they tip towards the negative, then they are "bad". What if that's incorrect thinking? What if we're given a choice to find the middle ground and simply acknowledge them and then let them go? If I were given a choice, I know I'd choose to erase all the bad memories so I don't ever have to deal with them again. But here's my thought, what if those bad things that happened to me happened not because God didn't stop them, not because God allowed them, not because I deserved or didn't deserve them, but rather they just happened because we live in a fallen world that is full or sin and sorrow. What if those very horrible things that happened to me could be reconciled by knowing that they shaped who I am today? I didn't lay down and give up. I fought for the ground I'm standing on right now. And I can look back and say to those bad things, "you have not defeated me".
I think that reality is the most important one to hold on to. I am not defeated.

i'm done with being a victim

I'm done with being a victim.

Those are powerful words that punch a good wallop to my whole being.

A victim is most likely, a person who is defensive, indecisive, unsure of their identity; but need  others to give them identity. A person who may be loud or quiet while inside they are falling apart. A person who would rather hurt themselves for the sake of others, to keep from hurting someone like they've been hurt. A person with a superb sense of empathy and the compulsion or impulse to act as an avenging advocate. A person with low self esteem, sometimes masked by popularity or extrovert tendencies. A person who might believe that they'll always be a victim. A person who might be a bully, because in expressing anger or dominance, they can hide their pain from the world. A person  who won't stand up for themselves but don't ever mess with anyone close to them cause they'll fight for the other's wellbeing. A person who, when asked if they have had trauma in their lives, most likely would deny it because to a person who is a victim, they think they've deserved it somehow. People with a victim belief system aren't always recognizable from the outwards parts of themselves. A person who believes that they are a victim, and does not challenge that thought; will always remain a victim. Ouch.

Do I believe that I am worth so little that I simply accept the bad that happens to me? And go on with life wishing things would be different but never doing anything about it? It feels like I try and try but never get away from what has been wrongly done to me. It invades my sleep through nightmares, invades my waking hours thru flashbacks and memories. The trauma in my life that makes me a victim has more say in my life than I do. And that's wrong. What's worse is that I expect it to be that way every time. No exceptions. Something doesn't go my way, I'm a mess for days. Someone days something hurtful, intended or not, and I can't stop thinking about it. A memory becomes reality again, while reality becomes less real. My mom once told me, that I like to be the victim. That hurt. I think it hurt because part of it is true. Because if I'm not being victimized, then no one is paying attention to me or acknowledging my existence. To put it plainly, I have spent my entire life screaming, "I'm right here! I'm hurting! Save me!" and no one can hear me. So I let myself be victimized and let myself believe that everyone is out to hurt me.

I don't want to be a victim anymore.

Ways to not view or treat yourself as a victim:

1. Take time for YOU. Do something nice for yourself. Find something that you enjoy. Play a sport or paint your nails. You get the picture.
Taking care of yourself means meeting your emotional and physical needs.

2. Practice mindfulness. Be in the moment. Focus on one thing at a time. It's ok if you struggle to do this. I know I do. Just try for five minutes at a time.

3. Counteract negative thoughts by saying a positive thought for each negative one. Once you start this practice it gets easier. Having a good sense of self goes a long way towards living free from a victim mentality.

What about the trauma? Or the nightmares? Flashbacks?

4. Acceptance. Accept that you cannot change the past. Accept that you can change the now. Whenever I have a flashback,  and I realize it, I jump up and go do something else for five minutes. It resets your focus.

5. Find someone safe to talk to. Whether that be a counselor, teacher, friend or relative, having someone in your corner goes a long way.

And finally

6. Give yourseld grace. We all mess up. We all face failure. But our life doesn't end there. Try try again.

I'm still trying to figure this all out. But I'm trying and that's a start.

psalm 139 rewritten

"The Lord my God has searched me - He knows me, even to the point of knowing when I need to rest or take action. He knows my thoughts and the intentions of my heart. He knows where I have been and where I am going. He knows even the ways I will get to that place. He knows my thoughts and the intentions of my heart, knowing what I am going to say or do before I know!
His hand is guiding me, leading me. O how awesome is the Lord that He knows me that well! I cannot run from His presence, or hide from His love. There is no height or depth that He is not willing to go to find my heart. His hand still guides me. No darkness can cover me, no lie can destroy me, for He shines and darkness flees, for He finds me.
He made me, He created my complete physical and spiritual make-up and He delights in me. O how He loves me! I will praise His love! He is a wonderful Creator! My soul agrees with the beauty He has created in me. He saw me before anyone ever knew I was there in the secret of my mother's womb. He called me by my name, He called me into being and said I was fearfully and wonderfully made. He rejoices over every day of my life, waiting patiently for the day I will join Him in perfection - eternally His.
He thinks of me often, I cannot fully understand how much He thinks of me! He thinks of me when I am asleep and when I sleep, I sleep in His presence. When I wake up, I am still with Him! O that He would destroy and root out all that sets itself up against His love and truth in my life!
How I desire to be rooted in His truth and I desire to hate all the powers and principalities that seek to destroy His creation!
O God, know me! My heart longs to be searched and fully known like only You can know me. Test the intentions and motivations of my heart! Rebuke me when I am in sin and lead me into Your truth!"

Depression and it's effects

I cycle thru my depression. Sometimes I'm up high and energized, other times I'm low.

I never know which one it will be at any given moment.

I've been so silent these last several months. That's why I haven't blogged. You've heard the saying,  "If you have nothing good to say then say nothing at all." There you have it. My excuse for not writing.

I admit that the depression has been kicking my butt lately. Negativity and it's cousin, apathy are making it hard to function.
But here I am again. Still depressed. Still anxious. But this time I'm fighting back.

A few changes since I blogged last:

* quit my job due to the level of anxiety I was experiencing and work was not helping.
* started hypnotherapy
* car broke down and I had to get it fixed. Talk about anxiety!

What makes the difference between depression that debilitates and depression that is empowering?

I think that the debilitating depression is like a leech. It.sucks the very life out of you. I want to do nothing,  say nothing,  be nothing.

Empowering depression is the kind that pushes me to move forward. To stay one step ahead of the negativity. To fight and sometimes lose, sometimes win.

There are common depression symptoms. But everyone experiences them differently. I am no exception.

Depression is a force to be reaconed with. But then again, so am I.

the power of hope

I woke up early this morning in effort to get ready to go to work. I confess that work isn't my favorite thing of my day but it gives me the sense of security and consistency that I need. That's the way of life. We do the things we don't like to do in order to do the things we do like to do. Having something to look forward to is important.
Hope gives us something to look forward to, dream about and work towards.
I was thinking about the impact that hope has on us and the more I look, the more that I see that it isn't about the striving or planning, but it's about believing. Yep. Faith. Faith in something bigger than ourselves. Faith in the midst of doubt. Hope give us the courage to face the giants in our lives. Hope brings joy where sorrow cannot go. Hope is the shadow of things past, things realized and things to come. Hope encompasses us when we let it seep into our souls.
I'm writing this as an encouragement to myself. And encouragement to others. If we can't hope, we can dream. If we can't dream, we can't believe. If we can't believe, then we are lost.
Today I have been excited about the possibility of having a new apartment. I'm on the cusp of change in my life and I look forward to it very much. It is hope that keeps me holding on to this dream of an apartment. It is hope that fuels my passion to succeed. The power of hope lies within us through our faith. Some would say that they don't have any faith. But the reality is that you have faith in something. Even if it's faith in the belief that you don't have faith.
So choose wisely. There's power in hope. But you have to have the faith to believe it.

little annoyances

As humans we tend to classify things as good or bad. You tell your child or animal that they're bad and praise them when they are good. Some things taste bad, others good. A book, movie or musician can be bad or good. Even our relationship with God. We often think of ourselves as bad or good, but that's not the whole truth. It all is interpreted  differently person to person. One of the things I've been struggling with is getting annoyed at people or things or situations. It keeps me from seeing the way annoyance unchecked has been harming my faith and my relationships. It's always easier to say "that annoys me" than to actually do something about it, if possible. I think of a child kicking the back of the front seat in the car. I think about someone talking during the movie. I think about how people sometimes are late. I think about realizing that none of those things are strong enough annoyances to warrant strong emotional response. The mom yells at the child who was kicking the seat. The movie watchers pass blame on the talker and end up rewinding the movie because they missed a part. When people are late it can cause scheduling errors and missed opportunities.
But why am I writing this?
There is more to life than being continually annoyed at everything and everyone.
It is our choice... What will we do with those minor annoyances?

determination to fight

I can and I will.

Words that push me beyond my limits. Most of the time anyway. I think of a 2 year old toddler's tenacity in insisting on having his or her way. It drives a parent to distraction when they come upon a force so deeply rooted in humanity that it reps it's raging head the moment a toddler screams. For hours. And you don't know how to make it stop. I'm not a parent, but I have babysat toddlers before and they can be so exhausting. The insecurity sets in and as parents you wonder what you are doing wrong good news. You aren't doing anything wrong. You've just came us against human nature that has been distorted since the Fall of mankind. The hard truth is, that we all have that same two year old inside of us, wanting to come out and play.
That's where we have a choice. Do we allow ourselves to be selfish and demanding or do we dare to take that attitude and turn it for good? How?
By saying that you can and you will. By using the stubborn attitude to fuel you as you live your daily life. Those things you've always wanted to do but haven't because other people have said you can't? Well, they're right there ready for you to say you can and you will.
A lot of people think that you can't dictate your will. But you can. For instance, I was laying in bed in tears because I didn't want to go to work. And the time on my clock kept getting closer and closer to the time I needed to leave and I had to tell myself that I can get out of bed and go to work and I will get out of bed and go to work. Why? Because it's good for me. Financially, relationaly, physically, and definitely mentally. Work is good. We were created with the ability to dream and make those dreams come true. I went to work. And I survived. And so I will go for as long as I can, saying I can and I will.

stronger than my diagnosis

I'm a little emotional right now and that's OK. Emotions are a part of what being human means. Emotions just are. They don't define me or control me. And today I'm emotional because I've been thinking about when I first reached out for help with my mental illness. Dates tend to be a little fuzzy for me because I remember life through the events and not the passing of time. I believe that it was February 2014 when I finally broke down and ceased to function. That landed me in the inpatient unit and from there, started me on this journey or recovery and acceptance. It isn't easy. It's painful at times. But the moments that are victories, no matter how small, are moments that make me feel like a new person with a new perspective on life.
Sometimes I stop and think,  "how did I get here?" and my answer always comes back to,  "one step at a time". That's the interesting thing about walking no matter which way you face as you walk, either backwards or forwards, you cannot look both directions at once unless you have tools like a mirror or a camera. But even then our perspective is warped.
In this world, the priority is to get ahead. Get ahead financially socially, industriously and physically. I believe that those are good things to pursue, but we go about it wrong. It becomes a selfish pursuit that leaves oneself alone and unfulfilled. Alone and unfulfilled. What a terrible state of being!
I remember when I was on the inpatient unit the first time, thinking, "now I've actually gone crazy" and "what am I going to do now?". It was one of those moments where you just tell yourself to breathe one more breath, walk or crawl one more step, and to never truly give up on hope. I've been back in that moment a few more times in the last two years of my recovery. There will always be defeats and victories. It's not about winning or losing. It's about what you do when you are defeated or victorious. I hope that I can simply keep my eyes open, embrace the process, and no matter what not lay down and give up. I want to be that voice to others that tells them,  "you are worth every battle won and stronger than every battle lost.". I want to be more than my diagnosis, more than a statistic. I want to be me. I want to be able to say every day, "I am stronger than my diagnosis.". And I want that for you, wherever you are.

pain

My worst enemy is pain. Especially migraine pain. It destroys my ability to think clearly enough that practicing wisemind is almost impossible.
I know that there are many people who live with worse and chronic pain, but one thought... Just like what they live through IA devastating to them, what I go through is devastating to me as well. There is no comparisons. I think that's one mistake that people make when they are trying to comfort others, is say that someone else has it worse. That just places guilt where it shouldn't be. I even catch myself doing the same thing to myself. Trying to lessen my pain by saying someone has it worse. Which is true, but my pain is my pain and theirs is theirs. Pain simply exists.
Now that I went off on a bunny trail, the reason why I am writing about pain is because pain is one thing that all humans have in common. From pain of stabbing your toe to birthing pain to the pain of death, everyone has their own story of how pain has impacted their lives on both physical and emotional levels.
Pain has a way of crippling us. Keeping us from doing the things we need or want to do. Keeps us from seeing the reality of situations. Pain is a formidable enemy that can only be endured until death. I believe that pain even continues beyond death for those who have rejected Jesus Christ and His death, resurrection and promise of return. Jesus lived His life for others, healing many and setting many free from demonic forces. Jesus lived a sinless life that led Him to be wrongly accused, mocked, hung in the cross where He died. He was laid to rest in a tomb and three days later, rose to life forever making it possible for us to be free from sin and punishment, and to live forever with Him.
We have a choice. Do we choose to believe in Jesus? Or do we not? Jesus didn't promise a pain free life here on earth but He did promise a pain free life in Him one day in Heaven.
I look forward to that day that I will be pain free. I want others to experience that as well.
In the meantime, the one thing I have left to do in my battle against pain is to push thru it. Fight thru it. Don't give in to it. Easier said than done. I've thrown in the towel many times. And you know what? That's OK. I can ONLY do my best. That's what life's about. Doing the best you can with whatever comes your way. That's the mentality I want to have.

like in a sad country song

2016 ©Kayla Christine

You held my heart,
for a little while.
You gave me joy,
for a little while.

You and I,
together,
For a little while,
A little while
A little while

You promised me,
we'd be forever.
I dared to dream,
we'd be forever.

You and I,
together,
For a little while,
A little while
A little while

But now,
I'm sitting here alone.
Wondr'ng what went wrong
And you,
You left me
you left me
Like a sad country song
Like a sad country song

It could've been different.
It could've been the same.
I can't keep myself.
From throwing blame.

And you,
You left me
You left me
Like a sad country song.

Where two heart
beat the same melody.
And each day seems like eternity.

With you,
I placed all my bets.
Called all my shots.
Now I've nothing left.
But your memory, oh
But your memory
Is like a country song.

closer to my heart

2016 ©Kayla Christine

I lay this broken body down at your feet
Lost and alone
Feeling wholly incomplete
You look at me
You see my fear
You look at me
That's when I know

You are near
Closer than I think
Closer to my heart
You are near
I cannot escape
the gaze from your eyes
This crazy loving is a surprise
You treasure me

So I stand up tall before you
Waiting for you to speak
All of heaven surrounds me
As strength overcomes my weak
My weak weak heart
I need a new start
My weak weak heart
That's when I know

The shadows that consume me
Are nothing but a ghost
I can now see clearly
You love me the most

This love this love
Is to impossible to not believe in
Your touch your touch
Is fresher than the breeze in
My face

So I stand here proudly of what I've not become
And I embrace my sense of being as I stare into your face

The face of love
The face of joy
The face I know better than my own

The reflection  wasn't always so pretty
The image dark and gritty
I looked at myself with sadness and loss
You looked at me thru the perspective of the cross

Abused and neglected I was torn
Between love and fear
Between love and hate between love and the shadow I had become.

Now you gently call me up out of the dust
Into a life of goodness and trust I can finally say

I know who I am
I know who you are
and no matter come what may
I know you're never far

brave

All you need is twenty seconds of insane embarrassing bravery. - We Bought A Zoo movie

My mental illness  cannot tell me what I can or cannot do. If I let it have that kind of power over me, it would be like I'm saying I'm defeated before I even started.

I like to try new things but with my mental illness diagnosis, I often let fear and it's companion guilt, into telling me if I can or can't do something.
I was a very shy child. I spent more time with my nose in a book or working on some sort of art that my adolescent years came and went without me really noticing.
I don't think I'll fully grow out of the shyness, but I know I've come a long way towards being brave. Twenty seconds of insane bravery. What does that look like? I remember the most recent brave thing to do was to tell my best guy friend that I was in love with him. That took guts! Although it didn't end well, at least I know that I had a brief moment. I can list the things that I did bravely. I could tell you stories of bravery and failure. But I won't. Because you have your own story of bravery to live out. So take a chance and twenty seconds and be brave.

ways to cope with depression

I thought I'd write a little about ways to cope with depression. Using these coping skills have helped me so much.

It helps to have a regular set wake up time and bedtime. This gets you and your mind into a routine.

Think about the foods that you are eating. Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking enough water? Eating and drinking healthily enable your body and mind to function the way they were made.

Speak positive self talk to yourself. If you're constantly being negative about yourself, then you will tend to be hard on yourself which causes more depression.

Don't sweat the little things. All of those little annoying habits that people have or incidences that happen that get on your nerves treat them as if they are flies and brush them away. The more you focus on the little things that go wrong or irritate you the more that you will miss out on the good things.

If you are a woman, have a routine of self-care for hygiene and/or personal beautification. Wash your face morning and evening. Wear jewelry and makeup if you prefer, keep your fingernails neatly trimmed and clean, and occasionally pamper yourself by:
Get a massage
Get a mani/pedi
Visit the hair salon
Exercise
Sunbathe

If you are a man, have a routine of self care for hygiene. Shave. Use aftershave and deodorant. Even if you aren't going out I  public, the simple act of having a daily routine makes it easier to get your mind set in a positive place. So if you want to stay in pjs, ok, but maintain cleanliness. Plus, girls like when men smell good. :) Get together with your buddies and do guy stuff. If you're a gamer, play the games but get out and shoot some hoops too. If you're a computer guy, same for you,  enjoy it, but go to the library or for a walk. Don't get stuck at home because that is isolating and depression feeds off of isolated people. If you have a special girl in your life,  even of it's just your mom, do something nice and spontaneous for them. They won't see it coming and I'm sure it will keep the peace as well.

If you're a child or teenager, it's ok to feel sad, lonely or confused. You're going thru many changes as you grow up. So here's a few suggestions:
Don't drink any caffeine or energy drinks after 5pm. Trust me,  you'll sleep better and be able to get better grades. Plus you won't look like a zombie the next day. Which isn't cool. Lol
Eat your vegetables. I sound like your mom for a reason... She's right. Vegetables are good for you and whether you believe me or not, chances are that when you become and adult, you'll like them better. So get a jump start!
Do your homework! Bad grades mean upset parents and that causes tension and depression loves tension.
Spend time with friends. Ha! You didn't think I was going to say that, did you? Spending time with the people you like gives you positive feelings and keeps the negativity away. Unless your friends are negative,  then you need better friends. If you don't have any friends, it's ok, I understand. The scariest thing to do for a shy kid is to walk up to someone and say "Hi, my name is...." But that's the only way you're going to make a friend.
Think about someone you'd like to be friends with and go introduce yourself. Once you are past that step, the rest comes naturally.
A few more tips:

Find someone that you trust that you can talk to about anything. Knowing that someone's got your back is the most amazing thing to feel. Because you know you're not alone.

If you can, get a pet. Even if it's a goldfish, the routine of taking care of a pet causes a person to have a reason to get up in the morning. Plus pets are rewarding.

Get outside! The sunlight gives off many vitamins that our bodies need to function. Just don't get sunburned.

Join a social group. Find people who have like interests and hang out with them! Even if it feels like you can't be around people, get around people, because the more that you are around things that you enjoy,  the more you are further away from negativity.

Parents:
Depression is not a topic that is encouraged to talk to your kids about. It is stereotyped as an adult issue. Sadly, it is an all ages issue. The more that you open up to your kids about what depression is, the more comfortable they will be in seeking help. Be encouraging to your children. Let them see how you handle your depression. Good days and bad days. It will make it less scary to know that their parents struggle too. Depression comes in many forms. Study them so you recognize the signs. Seek help from treatment centers of family doctors. There are all kinds of resources out there if you just look. Remember that having a child with depression is not your fault. Depression  is cause by many factors and you are not the singular cause.

Most of all, remember the positives and let go of the negatives.

anger

Anger is a tricky emotion. It can start out slow then explode or explode at random moments. For a person who can express their emotions properly, anger is easier to manage. To a person who has faced trauma or injustice, anger becomes stuffed away, but not getting rid of it. Or the anger manifests itself outwardly in that person's life.
I was the one who stuffed it. Now that I'm on my recovery journey this past 2 years, I am losing the ability to stuff my emotions. They express themselves in so many ways at random times, I don't always know what to think or do. Which is why I'm in recovery.
I don't want to go back to the emotionless zombie that I was before I sought out help. That person was lost and dying. Some days I still feel lost and dying.  But now I know that I have a choice. Stay in that state of being or chose to do something, anything to get out of that rut.
I'm not perfect. Never will I claim to  be. I am,aftdr all, learning lessons in life that were supposed to be taught to me when I was a child.

love without reservation

People think that they have figured out love. They define it and claim it to be the best and truest emotion of all. Reality is that we have only scratched the surface of the love emotion. We have separated it into various categories: a parent's love, a child's love, a lover's love, a familial love, a friendship love, the love of one human for another and so on. But none truly capture the whole essence of what love really is. Some say a chemical reaction while others say it's a gift from God. A person can love deeply and still not reach the true depths of the emotion until they love withholding nothing and without reservations. No hesitation, no calculating the risks, no explaining reasons why or why not. Simply love without boundaries. 

Jesus said that "Greater love has no one than this, but to lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Ouch. It causes me to think about what are the limitations that I place on loving someone else? And why is a friend easier to love than a stranger? What makes friends better than everyone else? It's our perception of relationship and love that dictate these things. 

When a person makes the conscious and subconscious choice to love someone, they are, in a sense, saying that that person is worth more than anything or anyone else. A sense of belonging arises and both the lover and the loved share their lives with each other. That's why relationships take work and time. You can't expect to continue loving without making the sacrifices. Often daily sacrifices of letting go of self and embracing concepts like us and we and our. Togetherness is the ultimate feeling we all desire. To belong. To be loved. To be accepted. 

To love without holding anything back is to completely give yourself to the ones you love. No excuses. No strings. No manipulation. Just love through action and words. Love given freely without any fear. 

As someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, love can sometimes be an elusive idea. You can tell me you love me, but until I experience that love in word and action, then those words hold no meaning. To love and be loved feels so unattainable to a person with Borderline that it seems completely hopeless. And we push people away whenever we start to feel or think that we aren't truly loved. It's a load of crap. Honestly. The more you push someone away the less opportunity you have to love and be loved. The lie that we are unlovavble is a parasite that devours us from the inside out it has be be removed. The only way to remove that thought pattern is to replace it with the truth.

Repeat after me,  I am loved. I am lovable. I deserve to be loved. 

Even if you don't believe it or feel it, those words are truth. It starts with you. Individually accepting that you are able to love and be loved paves the way for showing people those truths. We first have to love ourselves. It's not selfish to love and care for yourself. Our society says it's being selfish when you do things for yourself. It does depend on the spirit of why you do what you do if your intention is to be nice to yourself simply because you deserve to be loved, then you have a grasp on your worth. Self care or being nice to yourself is not selfish. For example, I am sick with a cold. Do I choose to not take care of myself and be miserable? No,  being nice to myself would be taking care of my needs while I'm sick. Or,  I am overwhelmed by my work. Do I just buckle up and take it? No, although I still get the work done  I also take small breaks andake sure I drink enough water. 

Taking care of yourself and being aware of your needs is a huge part of learning to love. You can't love other people unless you first love yourself. So will you choose to love withholding nothing and let yourself be loved? 

a life worthy of recognition

“Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity.”

― Lou Holtz

I want to live a life in such a way that after I'm gone people will say of me,  "she overcame". I want to be remembered as someone who lived well. I want people to remember me with kindness.

Isn't that what we all want? To not be forgotten when we're gone? To know that we left behind something worthwhile and that it will last beyond the grave? We want to leave a legacy.
When I think of my grandparents, I have mixed emotions. Part of me is proud of what they accomplished. My mom's parents ran a successful dairy farm. My dad's parents were well known for their evangelism.
The other part of me things of the little things. My mom's mom, when grandpa died, she took a job as a church secretary where she eventually retired. She became a fixture in the community due to her extensive interactions with the public at her job. My dad's dad worked for Jasper Engine and Transmission until his sudden death. Over 500 people attended his funeral, many of whom the family has never met but grandpa had impacted their lives in some way.
I look at my life and wonder what I will leave behind. Have I been a person of integrity and honor, someone others look up to? Or have I wasted my life?
It's not a black and white answer. It is both and yet one or the other. I look back at the years I spent in Christian ministry and see the faces of those who looked to me for support and encouragement, and I remember the struggle I faced to be that support for them. Leaving a legacy is letting go of parts of yourself so that there will be growth. You can't serve others if you're focused only on you. You can't expect people to respect you if you show yourself not worthy of respect.
It starts in our thoughts. How we view ourselves is often what fuels the way we see the world. We have the ability to change our thinking. We have the ability to love and forgive ourselves.
Life's trials come at us faster than we can process them. It often leaves us feeling lost, overwhelmed, confused, hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. It isn't how you manage your circumstances that matters the most. It's how you manage seeing your circumstances that matters. If you're constantly negative, you only see the negative. Words are powerful. Especially when they are spoken aloud.
We all have varying lengths of life, some only a few moments and then peace. Others a long life lived, lived well or not.
In the end, reality is that the majority of our legacy isn't in foundations or dedications. It isn't in what work we did or even words we said. Those things are important,  but our legacy lies within the way we view the world and whether we shared that positive outlook with others. If we can get a single person, man, woman or child, to look at the world around them in a different light, one that does good instead of harm, than that one person becomes our true legacy. It is up to them, in turn, keep the legacy going. Our job is to start the process.
I want that. I want to be a person that impacts even just one person. The question is... What am I willing to surrender to begin that legacy?

the candy man

When I was a little girl,  there was this older gentleman who would give candy to us kids at our church. He was a grandfatherly type and loved kids. He and his wife were long time members of our church. They've passed on now,  but today I was thinking of them. Especially the gentleman. I honestly don't know his real name, we just called him The Candy Man.
Every Sunday he would have a pocket full of candy to give to any child that would politely ask for a piece. Sometimes he didn't have candy, he would have breath mints or Halls lozenges. It didn't matter. We all adored him.
He made a pact with me. I was ten and still sacked my thumb quite a bit. He told me that if I would not suck my thumb at church he'd give me a piece of candy. My mom had tried many times to break me of that habit, but it was The Candy Man who got me to stop.
Looking back, in light of the abuse and trauma in my young life,  I see now that The Candy Man provided an unconditional love that I was craving. I realize now that a lot of the reason why I struggle socially and emotionally is due to the trauma and abuse. But I can look back and remember The Candy Man,  and know that I was loved.

faulty image

Sometimes we have an idea about ourselves that isn't exactly accurate and when it gets challenged we freaked out. The way that we react is out of fear and insecurities. But in all things true, when we have that idea of ourselves destroyed or knocked a bit, it reveals who we really are and we have an opportunity to either go back and live the lie we had been living or embrace who we are; as weak as we are, as strong as we are, and still live a life worth living.
You know the phrase "people aren't always who they seem", it's true. We all have parts of us that we hide. Doesn't matter what relationship we have with each other we always have one little part or a few parts that we hide. True bravery is unveiling those things. Being vulnerable and not letting the lies of insecurity and fear hold us back. We become better people. We become better friends, parents, children. And just for the small moment that our life is, the world is a better place because of our choices. I don't want to be in a position where I don't know who I am. And everyone around me knows who I am and either accepts or denies me. Their response isn't important. It is a part of the process of accepting who we are, accepting who they are and learning to live at peace with each other. But it isn't the most important. The most important thing is that we're honest with ourselves first. If we can't be honest with who we are to ourselves then how do we expect to explain to others who we are? We all are afraid. Lonely. Lost. And we want something that's bigger than ourselves because we know the faults that we have and the imperfections that are in us. And seeing those things in us we react out of those imperfections. I think about how at the end of a person's life the only thing that they have left is their breath, their heartbeat. Sometimes family is around sometimes just friends. But in that single moment where a person takes his last breath and steps into eternity, that last breath is the last of everything that person has.  Empty. Desolate. Alone. Those are words that could possibly describe that moment but in reality, the emptying ourselves out allows us to be filled. In recognizing our desolation we see God's healing and that we are never really truly alone. I don't know what beliefs you have of the afterlife or God, but I know that one thing is true God is God and He never changes. He never fails and never gives up. He never lies and he always always loves even in the midst of the pain. Jesus exemplified that in His life. He lived a life  tempted in all manners that a man could be tempted. Yet He was without sin. Every single choice that He made was holy and right. How do I believe that? I find that reading the New Testament of the Bible often gives as many answers as it does questions. There are always going to be things that we won't know the answers to. But our choice is to let go of our expectations, empty ourselves of anything that's holding ourselves back from being who we are and aren't. Letting Jesus come and sit with us on the bed as we lie dying gasping for air yet feeling Jesus's hand in ours seeing His smile and then finally stepping into eternity. But we don't get there on our own. We don't get Heaven on our own. We all have the same choice do we believe that Jesus is the Messiah the Christ the Savior of the world? And do we put our faith in Him and His words and invite Him to take over those empty places inside of us? Or do we turn our backs, go our own way, continue to hide, never truly live and hate ourselves for it. It's that simple. Believe or don't believe. I made that choice years ago to believe that Jesus Christ saved me and He rose from the dead after He took my sins upon the cross. He sits right now at the right hand of the Father God waiting for the day that I will step that one last step into eternity, one breath away. But until then I will keep trying  and I will learn to stop hiding from myself some others and most importantly from God. I want to be empty of myself of my fears, my insecurities and faults. And be filled with the Holy Spirit of God, His love,  His kindness, hHis unrelenting desire to set me free. Am I willing? Yes. Are you willing? To let go of the idea of who you think you are and embrace the reality that you were lost without Jesus in your life. Not a magic spell. It's not always going to happen the way you want it to happen but the moment that you choose to believe seals your fate forever.
It's  not going g to be easy. Nothing truly worth it is easy. But in the end, when the only thing you have left to give is that one last breath before you step into eternity, that is when it matters the most.

I can't believe that He,
would die a death for me;
Up on the cross laid all my sins for all eternity.

brain scans of a person with borderline personality disorder

I came across this study of what a person with borderline's brain looks like compared to a person without borderline. It's fascinating to know that having  borderline isn't just a theory or unexplainable diagnosis. Borderline Personality Disorder is a real dysfunction of the human brain and should be thought of as it would be to have cancer or diabetes.

It also helped me to remember that having borderline isn't my fault. It is both physical malfunctions and environmental reactions in a person's life. Two people can grow up with borderline but the causes of borderline will slightly differ circumstanually from each other. The main traits of borderline are the same, but not necessarily the cause.

It's fascinating to me because knowing that borderline isn't just a disorder that's ambiguous, but it it an understandable condition. And that gives me hope. Hope that one day, I will be able to function and live unhindered by my diagnosis. Read the article. It might change your thoughts about Borderline Personality Disorder.

http://healthcure.pw/brain-scans-clarify-borderline-personality-disorder-2/

the definition of my art

My artwork are like messengers, sent out with love, to those who need them.
Those are the people who  connect deeply with a piece of my work and are changed or encouraged because of it.

My art reflects principles of truth and hope to hold on to and live by.

My art is playful and versatile, made for all ages. It is created to connect all generations thru the use of old and new materials.

My art assaults the senses causing the observer to react immediately to the artwork.

My art is non judgmental. If you don't like it, that's OK. If you have a suggestion, that's OK too.

My art is not racial. We are all equal in God's eyes.

My art is not directly political. If you find a political meaning in my art, it was not intended to be interpreted that way unless indicated in the art's description.

My artwork is created to reflect our Creator God, who made all things.

I believe that God,  the Father, sent His only Son,  Jesus, to earth to teach and show us how we are to live; and ultimately Jesus came to suffer and die for all of our sins and the sins committed against us so that we can be free from punishment for our sins. He rose again to life after three days in the grave and now sits at the right hand of the Father God. Jesus teaches us forgiveness and the true meaning of love thru the way He lived His life on earth and through His suffering on the cross.

It's a wonderful true story you can read. Simply find a Bible, and start reading the Gospel of John.

If you do not have access to a Bible, here are a few ways to find one.

- Salvation Army stores give out free Bibles. Many other Thrift stores give them away as well.
- find a church and either ask for one or if you can borrow a Bible.
If that is too intimidating,  that's OK.
- if you have an android smartphone you can download the free Bible app called You Version  (that's one I use.)
If you have a question about what version to get,  stick a
With New King James Version, New International Version,  English Standard Version. Those are the ones I think help the best to understand what it says.
- Many Christian radio  stations give away Bibles. Just contact them to find out more.
- Visit the local library and check a Bible out. That's a free way to read one.

If none of those work for you,  send me a message with your mailing address and I will get a Bible to you.

What I do with my art is important to me because it is an avenue that I can freely express my heart thru. There usually is a lot of emotion and sweat put into each piece, but with the knowledge that it may not turn out the way I think and it surprise me. 

If there is any piece of art that is posted on this blog that you are interested in purchasing,please contact me and we'll make a way for that. 

If you are out there struggling to find what your art means or is defined by,  don't give up. It took me over 10 years to realize what I've shared. Take each moment as they come and don't let fear keep you from success. 

emotions

I'm extra sensitive tonight. May be from being a girl. May be from missing my family. May be from longing for things I can't have. May be from my broken heart. May be a combination of things. The truth is that my heart is heavy tonight. And it's ok to feel these emotions. It's ok to feel lonely and sad. It's on to wonder if I'll ever find the happiness of a family if my own. It's ok to long for the relationship that will never again be. It's ok.

I've spent too many years of my life denying myself the privilege of showing emotions. I stuffed them deep down in myself where they were locked away. Now that I am learning that emotions are neither good or bad, and can be acceptable to feel. Sometimes I still feel so numb, that I'll never feel again. Sometimes I feel so intensely it's like having 3rd degree burns all over my body.
One thing I am learning is that to feel is to truly be alive.

In that case, I want to truly live every day.

you aren't leaving me

It's started off sunny,
My perfect day
But the storm came on storming
Turning my life to grey

Everyone had somewhere to be
But now I'm here sitting
Waiting patiently
For the time to pass
And with every gasp I say,

I remember you
You were the who gave me life
And I know that's it's true
You're the one always by my side
You aren't leaving
You aren't leaving
Oh
You aren't leaving
You aren't leaving
Me

I don't really know how
You came to be
Living inside the heart of me
But I know that you are here to stay and I will trust your words even as you say

I remember you
You are the one I love
Everlasting I will I be by your side faithfully

emotion chip

I can relate to Data on Star Trek when he gets his emotion chip. Prior to the placement of the chip Data is all logic and unable to understand or feel human emotions. When he gets the chip he starts off feeling the simple emotions like happiness or kindness. He is able to operate on both logic and emotion at the same time. But when he starts to feel strong emotions like anger and fear he loses all sense of logic and solely acts solely on emotion. This puts the crew of Star Trek in danger until they finally were able to remove the chip. Data had to have the chip remodified so he could turn it off and on as needed, while learning to balance the emotional urges and logical thoughts.

Sounds like practicing Wisemind.

Wisemind is balancing facts and emotions by finding the middle ground.
It is a normal human function to operate mostly from Wisemind thinking. However, people with Borderline Personality Disorder, that part of them is unbalanced. I'm not talking about a chemical unbalance often related to Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder. That's a topic for another day.
Wisemind simply is taking the facts of a situation or thought and allowing one's self to feel the emotions at the same time. It isn't easy to do if you have Borderline, but it is doable. It has to be something that a person practices many times a day. Honestly, I struggle with practicing Wisemind. Most of the time I either forget to practice it, or I'm too far over on one side or the other that it takes me a long time to get balanced. But it is worth it. Anything that makes living with Borderline easier is worth it as long as it isn't harmful to one's self.

the truth of how i survived

You survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere, and milking it, relishing it, for all it was worth. And as you grew up, you sought love, anywhere you could find it, whether it was a teacher or a coach or a friend or a friend's parents. You sought those tiny droplets of love, basking in them when you found them. They sustained you. For all these years, you've lived under the illusion that somehow, you made it because you were tough enough to overpower the abuse, the hatred, the hard knocks of life. But really you made it because love is so powerful that tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst things life can dish out. Toughness was a faulty coping mechanism you devised to get by. But, in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefulness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That is what has gotten you by.

Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

my sister's cat

I remember one night when I was in high school, my sister called me around 10pm. She and her friend lived in an apartment about a mile away from our parent's house where I was living. My sister was frantic. Her cat had gotten outside and when they finally caught him he had a twiglike something about an inch long having out one of his nostrils. I told her that I'd be down there right away. I woke our mom up and had her drive me over to their apartment. When I got there,  my sister was in tears and the cat was just sitting there like nothing happened. It freaked me out when I saw the twiglike something in his nostril but I knew if I panicked, then my sister would too. So I grabbed the cat and tried to examine him,  looking for blood or any other visible signs of trauma. The cat just purred and kept trying to curl up in my lap. Obviously he wasn't worried about the thing in his nose. My sister wanted me to pull it out but I had reservations about that. What if it's longer than it looks? What if it has a crook in it and tears his nose up? Going to the vet wasn't an option because our vet is a country vet who lives 30 miles away. With it being late at night and my sister's budget couldn't afford the vet,  we opted to do what we could. Right when I decided that the thing to do was to slowly pull  the object out from his nose,  the cat sneezed. The twiglike something was gone! We looked and looked for it all over the floor and never found it. Meanwhile,  the cat just went to sleep as if nothing happened.
My sister was relieved and so was I.

everyone has their part to play

"There is a degree of humility that a leader needs to understand and come to the point of knowing deeply, that the completion of the vision has to involve everyone they are leading. Not a single one left behind." - a quote by me, from an old paper of mine while I was in college.

I didn't know I could sound so smart. Haha. But really,  I remember the papers I wrote in college and the tests taken but the thing I took away from my education is that I can do anything if I put my time and energy into it. The passion will follow.
I'm a passionate person. I feel things deeply and for long periods of time. Try to convince me that my way of thinking is wrong and you'll find yourself backed into a corner questioning your own thinking.
I don't intend to intimidate. I try to be kind in what I say to others but sometimes my passion for a topic can come out of me very forceful.

I never thought of myself as a leader. I have been, in different times of my life, been in a position of leadership. It was more a humbling experience than I expected. There were both triumphs and let downs. But at the end of each day I was usually left with the same thoughts
"How do I lead in such a way that others want to follow me? And how do I show humility while doing so?"
Sometdays the questions were more insistent and other days I wouldn't think of them at all.
You see, people really are like donkeys. They won't be led where they don't want to go. They have to catch the vision an make it their own in order to truly commit to it. There will always be those who oppose, so don't worry about them. Focus on those who get it. And make sure they learn how to live put the vision.
Contrary to what today's society says, humans are not intended to be individuals on the same plane of life. We need community. We crave connection. With programs like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and other blogs, people can interact in more ways than prior generations connected.
At the end of each day there is a longing in us, telling us who we are by the way we interacted with people. But the truth is, we aren't defined by our interactions, we just simply are learning, like a baby crawling the walking.
When I think of leadership and what it means to be a leader, I think of a well oiled machine. Each part is oiled and has its own role to play in the function of the machine. Of one gets out of whack, it affects the whole machine. We are that machine pursuing a vision bigger than us. Every person is needed, from the strongest to the weakest. It's the strong that help the weak and the weak that keep the strong humble.
If a leader doesn't recognize the potential of each person involved, then he is essentially saying that the machine doesn't need all of its parts. Which leads to frustration and uselessness as the machine cannot operate without all of its parts working. Being weak of strong have no significance other than they work together. We all are, weak at times and strong at times.
So next time that you interact with someone, whether via internet or phone or face to face, remember that we all are needed to make this world a better functioning place to exist. It's our responsibility and our inheritance.

fat people need love too

I'm fat. No mincing words, I'm obese. Heavy. Big boned. Overweight. No matter how you put it,  I am still fat. There's no glossing over it. No denying. Just simple reality. I am not thin, I'm fat.

Before you think I'm degrading myself, let me tell you about who I am. I am 5 ft 5 in tall and 252 lbs. My ancestors were strong German and English stock. I inherited wide hips and large chest from my dad's side of the family and from my mother's side, I inherited strong muscled large calves.
And I love food. The taste and smell gives me comfort like nothing else. But I also enjoy being active. I love walking and swimming and bicycling. Growing up, my parents struggled to put food on the table and clothes on our backs, but we never went without. Growing up, playing outside was the best thing in the world. Even as I was an active little kid, I still struggled with weight issues. And it wasn't just beacause of eating habits or lack of self control. Being fat is also in my genes as I mentioned before some of what I inherited.
Could I have made better choices? Maybe. But the cause of my weight is not in just one problem or habit. It all adds up. Environmental, physically, emotionally, all play a part in forming an opinion of myself.

I get self conscious when I'm choosing clothes to wear because I'm afraid to show off my curves. I had been taught that fat girls aren't pretty and that no one wants to be with a fat girl. Talk about self esteem killer. It's all over the media that thin women are beautiful and if you're fat,  you need to hide it or lose it. Wrong. So wrong.

Although I haven't signed up at a gym or have a personal exercise routine down, I do stay active at my job and at home, even while running errands. I find that the true battle with weight issues is not a physical battle,  but rather is a battle of the mind. What you think you are isn't always the truth. Let me say that again. What you THINK you are isn't always the truth.

I have days where I feel so fat that I can't imagine why anyone would want to talk to me. I also have days where I don't think about it at all.

You know the scenario. Kids choosing teams for some game they want to play and there always is the kid who gets chosen last; the kid that no one obviously wants on their team.
That is how it feels to be fat in a society that shuns those who don't fit the criteria of everyone else. I'm not saying go out there and be fat, doing nothing healthy for yourself. I'm talking about viewing yourself differently than you did before and making choices that are healthy for you. Not because the goal is to lose weight. But because you want to live a healthy life and have a better confidence in yourself.

Fat people are just as deserving of love as anyone else. Fat people need love too.

Be that one person who steps in and claims someone for their team rather than letting them be chosen last.

Here's another tidbit, we all have our vices. Mine is chocolate milk. I try not to have it around much because that would be all I would drink.

Mind over matter.

If you think you are something, chances are you are going to believe that it is true and live your life accordingly.

I am not defined by my weight. I am not defined by my bad or good habits. I am not defined by the exercise I get. I am defined by God as a loving, beautiful, faithful and free woman. His opinion of me is greater than others opinions of me. And my opinion of myself is greater than others opinions of me.

I am fat. I struggle with weight issues. I am insecure when I think about my weight.

But I am alive and living with a greater purpose than to change the outside of me. I live to see the inside of me change first. The rest will follow.

Don't let fear and insecurity tell you who you are.

radical acceptance

There are always certain things that we can depend on and accept just as they are. Laws of nature rule around us. 

For one, no matter where you stand in the world the sun is still there even behind the clouds. Even at night, he sun is reflected off of the moon. 
Two, what goes up, must come down for as much as it can. That is, except in space where there is zero gravity. 
Three, zebras will always be zebras. And bears will always be bears. You can train many animals but you can't take the animal out of them.

The laws of nature were set at the beginning of time and will be the same at the end of time.

In this age, we are deeply dependent on electronics, certain kinds of entertainment, foods, and when any of those are then away, we complain. 
We feel like our rights are being taken away. We've forgotten what all it took in the last 200 years to bring us to this point. We'd rather accept things at face value than remember the price that was paid for our liberties.

The fourth example of a fact we can depend on, is that no matter how hard we try, we cannot undo the past; neither years and years ago, nor the last five minutes. 
The past was and, exists between two realities; the first being the fact that time keeps marching on and what exists in the past, also exists even in the present through the physical effects of the past. Think of this as a ripple reality. One small movement causes the next movement to ripple out like ripples in water when a droplet falls into it.
The second reality, I call the memory reality is one that is more complex, yet simple in its definition. It is our memories that hold the past in the present moment. Experiences, good or bad, are tied to us through the perspective and interpretation that our brain shows us. This perspective can be right, wrong or neither, but it is a process that we all go thru to better understand what is going on around us.

OK so that said, the things that we accept as our reality become our reality by conscious or unconscious choice.

What does this mean? I believe it means different things to each person because each individual’s experiences are perceived various ways. There is a common bond between us simply because we are all humans and have the capacity to perceive so many variables in our lives. We may look at our life one way and another look into our life a different way, but in the end, it is the experience that dictates the outcome of our lives.

Why do I even write about this? It helps me to understand the complexities of my life and accept the realities in my life. There are things I can change and things I cannot. There are experiences that I can control and those I cannot. All add up to what I call my life. Past, Present and Future, all realities combined to create who I was, who I am and who I will be.

The thing about Radical Acceptance is that it takes all the pieces of the puzzle and accepts them to be a part of a bigger picture, even if the pieces are all jumbled together. Accepting situations as they are and learning from them, adapting to them, and struggling through them become a way of life. So I had a traumatic past. Don’t we all experience trauma in some sort of way? It is a part of who I am. So I struggle with mental illness. Don’t we all experience things differently? It doesn’t have to define who I am; it just is a part of me. So I can sit here and write about Radical Acceptance; don’t we all need to keep processing the truths that will set us free? It is a process that one has to accept.

I think of Radical Acceptance as an extreme way to say no to the negativity and fear, and yes to moving forward in my life. Isn’t that what we all want? Don’t we want a positive life well lived and remembered? I know that’s what I want.

I won't give up

I can't sleep. My head is pounding like a drum and my eyes hurt. Migraines are no thing to mess around with.

One of the troubles of having any kind of pain,  it breaks down your mental ability to function normally. Simple tasks become impossible. And emotions are a large percent more intense the normal. For a person without a mental illness, the effects of pain are still sometimes tolerable. But for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder especially, pain makes everything 100 times more intense. Even now as I write this, tears are in my eyes. Not just from the pain and lack of sleep, but also because my coping defenses are down and I struggle with my thoughts and memories. Everything seems larger and more undoable than ever.

I'm writing this because I want to remember that the reason why I suffer is real. The mental illnesses I live with are real and they often dictate my life.

But you know what? It doesn't have to always be that way. I can choose. Choose to push thru the pain,  thru the emotions and come out on the other side stronger for the fight.

I won't give up.

humble thoughts

I'm not sure what to write. But I feel the words swelling inside of me. They are powerful and simple, but they're mine. Feelings that I feel often overwhelm me. Feelings that describe my state of mind, feelings that open my eyes to the reality of this life. Sometimes I think that if I close my eyes and imagine something that I'll be able to excape. That I'll be able to distract myself from responsibility and obligations. That if I imagine a world where I am who I want to be and I do the things I want to do, I'll be able to forget the past, forget the memories, and forget that I'm broken. But that's an illusion, a mist, and a lie. Reality is accepting the moment that you're in right now. That's really hard. We all like to think that we're better than we really are. That the world is better than what it is. But reality is that we are broken and the world is dying.

I'm struggling with thinking about my present and future. What am I doing? Why am I alive? What impact am I making on others around me? Am I making a difference? Am I reflecting Jesus? Do I even try? I think most of the time I hide. I hide behind words that mask the reality of my past. I avoid speaking about God in order to not offend. I don't tell people that I went to a school that trained missionaries. I don't tell people that the point of my internship was to share the Gospel. I don't tell people that I have a relationship with Jesus because I'm afraid that they will see the brokenness in me. And that they will not be drawn Him. What a lie! What a full-blown lie! Jesus said that He came to save the sick and the lost not the healthy. Jesus didn't come to conform to what the world says that He should be. Jesus is offensive. His truth, His love and His power were all directed to showing that we are lost without Him. Completely lost. I'm 31 now and the more I think about it the more I realize that I have a choice. A choice to live how the world says I should live. Or live how Jesus says I should live. He says be humble. He says be loving. He says do not fear. He says he's with me. He says so many things that I tend to ignore. Why? The only answer I have is because I am human and Humanity has lost that connection with the God that created us. Jesus is the bridge that connection and unless you acknowledge Him, being different is impossible. Being humble is impossible. Being anything other than what I am now is impossible without God.
I'm still scared. I still don't want to offend. I'm afraid that I won't be able to explain what Jesus has done for me, and how much I want them to be set free. It's not about how perfect I am or how perfect my life is. Thought about if I have all the answers or say the right words. It's not about what I have done or will do, but what God has done and what He will do.

crossroads

For some reason I get songs in my dreams sometimes that I sing in my dreams and the lyrics are beautiful.  But when I wake up I never can remember the words.
This time I was awake with my eyes shut and I started to sing in my head and that's what I had sung. I got it all written down. If you see misspellings or typos let me know please. :)

CROSSROADS
Kayla Christine Keppel

I've been sitting here list'ning to the rhythm
And flow of the traffic at the crossroads
Been waitin' for my turn to make a decision
Which way am I goin'? Where do I turn?
Or should I keep goin' on this journey?
To get to you
To get to you
To get to you.....
To get to you

I've watched the cars passing as I sat contemplating. 
Memories of our time together flow like the tides of the ocean
I'm too far in this journey to be forgetting, its upsetting

But I know....
I've got to get to you
Get to you
Get to you

The traffic is stopped up behind me
And I don't care

My hearts racing wild with fear
So I put my foot to the pedal,
My eyes are straight ahead
And I turn, turn, turn,
And run away from you
Away from you, away from you
I run away from you.....

Time stops my heart for the seconds it takes to realize
That we might have had a chance but you'd forgotten me
Now I'm on my way
To find the rainbow
Away from you, away from you
And I can't stay to wait for you, wait for you

You broke my heart before we even began. And I loved you so much I didn't care.
But now as I hold the broken peices,
I'm not whole, I'm not free, but I've got to be. I've got to be.
Now its your turn to cry and regret me
But I don't care
And its your turn to be lonely
And I don't care

Now I'm leaving on this journey
To find myself, where I've always been.
Right here. Right here. On this road to my future.
My tail lights reflect on the memories of our past. And I'm not gonna look back anymore.
I know you'll be ok when you realize I'm gone
And we'll be stronger apart from each other
So don't give up on this life
Don't despair that all is lost
We'll make it thru
Make it thru make it thru
I wish you happiness
I wish you peace
I wish you joy and all that encompasses the path beneath your feet
I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I'll be okay
This journey will never end

an ill-fitting life?

This statement about the personality INFJ,  from the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test,  sums up the main feeling and thought I've had my entire life.
When I was born,  my mother had been given pain meds and because of her sensitivity to drugs,  she hallucinated while giving birth to me. She doesn't remember me being born.
In my growing up years,  my siblings teased me about being "adopted" and even my mother would say,  "If you didn't look so much like the family,  I would say you were adopted."
Not something you should tell any child. Especially a sensitive INFJ who already struggles with feeling like they don't belong anywhere.
Growing up I never seemed to fit with girls my age. I didn't fit with the younger kids,  nor the adults.  It was like I was in a group of my own,  but I couldn't invite anyone into my circle.
It caused me to be withdrawn and extremely shy. It caused major insecurity and self esteem issues, that to this day I am still coming up against.
I've grown up now. I will turn 31 in a few days and I still feel the same way. I feel like I don't fit anywhere,  yet I can adapt to anywhere. It's a complex way of thinking and feeling. I've grown in my self esteem the last few years and have made a few friends who have stuck by me no matter what. I can be open with people now and can hold my own in a conversation as long as it's a topic I know about. There are so  many facets to my personality that I have yet to discover them all. I'm learning that God,  who never makes mistakes,  made me and is still forming me day by day. I believe that the negatives of my personality will be used to good,  no matter how painful. And the good of my personality will be amplified through Jesus so that I can show others the transforming power of God's love and grace.
I am who I am. And I am constantly changing. Constantly evolving. And I am blessed to know that it's going to be ok.

the unexpected

Most of the time my life is ordered. Time to wake up, time to eat,  time for appointments and work. Time to play and time to sleep. We all have our schedules and we all have little things we do to make life meaningful.
Then along comes a surprise. An unexpected phone call or visit. An illness, a death,  or even a change in jobs can all be unpredictable and unexpected. They often knock us off our feet or at least cause us to teeter a little. They can break us if we let them. However, if we accept what ever may come, those unexpected events can make us stronger.

It's easy to sit right here where I am comfortable in my life,  and project my opinion of how life should be. It's easy to say, "what ever may come"and miss the possibilities before me when things, "go wrong". For instance,  at work today I got a really bad manila folder cut and am sitting at the Occupational Health office waiting for it to be checked out. I didn't plan this. I'm a little frustrated at how long it is taking. But the reality is,  that I have a choice. Complain. Or look for the gift in the moment. I think I'll go with the gift. Not sure what it is yet,  but when I do figure it out,  I want to say thank you for the inconvenience and pain I went through so I can grow stronger for the next unexpected.

one small act = big results

I recently had an experience that changed the perspective of my life. I wasn't expecting it. I even almost missed the meaning of what happened. However,  I do believe that Holy Spirit nudged me in the right direction at the right time and I for sure was in the right place.
I had just clocked out from work and was getting ready to leave when I had the thought of going to the library, which was a good idea because I would be able to get some computer work done.
I was there for maybe a half hour  when I heard from across the room a librarian talking to a patron  about papers that he printed out. For some reason he didn't have a way to pay for them. Either he expected to pay with a credit card,  which they don't accept, or he neglected to understand that there was a fee. The latter is more unlikely due to the automated notice about fees that pops up on the computer screen when you print anything. That's neither here nor there.
I listened to them for a while,  both at an impass. The librarian trying to get the fee and yet still offer help to hold the papers for the patron. The patron didn't want to do that because the papers had personal information on them. They were stagnated. Without thinking I left my chair and walked over to the librarian's desk. I handed the fee,  which was only pocket change,  to the librarian without looking at the person more than a simple  acknowledgment of his thank you.
I went back and sat down and couldn't focus for a long while. What made me do that? I didn't know that guy. How was it that I heard the conversation between the man and librarian from across the room? I wondered what it was that impacted me so much about this interaction?
I'm just your average single 30 year old,  muddling through life the best I can. I was surprised that I had the nerve to approach the two of them because I suffer from social anxiety and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Engaging with others take more courage than I usually have on a day to day basis.
Then it hit me, the last few years in dealing with my health issues and being dependent on other's services, I had forgotten what it felt like to fill a need. Or be helpful, or simply to acknowledge someone else's problems instead of focusing on my own. You see, I have had to focus so much on taking care of myself, that I forgot what it was like to feel in a single moment,  needed. In the simple transaction of involving myself in someone else's problems, mine seemed a little less overpowering. I not only helped someone to be able to do what they needed to do,  but I helped myself to realize that no matter how small the action,  anyone can make a difference.

heartbreak

My heart is heavy this morning. It beats slowly and I'm left breathing hard. It isn't the verge of a panic attack. It isn't the verge of illness. It simply is the result of a heart that's breaking slowly every day.
I don't have tears yet. I don't have the words completely. But I have the pain and sadness that comes with a broken heart.
It's been two years since my world was turned upside down when a certain person walked into my heart. Two years of silence and confusion as the relationship deteriorated. Two years of wondering why and never having the answer. Just a lot of speculation. And that doesn't help.
Two years since that certain person told me they loved  me. Two years of wondering if it was real. I suppose I'll never know now since it has been two years since that certain person has spoken to me.
What makes a person think they have the right to hurt another so deeply? What gives them the right to lie about something so sacred, only to toss it away like rubbish. That person has no idea how much they hurt me when they walked away from our relationship. They don't know how many times I have cried over something I thought was real only it wasn't. They don't know how much I struggle with regret and happiness over things that happened between us. How I wonder if they are hurting just as much. They don't know how often I pray for them,  that they would experience peace and forgiveness,  as I ask for those things too. They have no idea how many times I tell myself that I'll never know why or ever talk to them again. Or how much I miss laughing together. I keep reminding myself that just as I have lost in the relationship,  they have lost as well, even if it were by their choice. They don't know the shame and dissapoinment of knowing that I loved someone who has chosen to not love me in return. They don't know how I wonder if I'll ever be able to love again after this. They don't realize the cost of my giving the most precious thing I have to give,  only to have it taken and used without a loving thought.
But there is always the other side. Their side. I don't know what that looks like. I can't read their minds or guess. The only reality is that for a brief moment in our lives,  we loved. And then it was gone,  abandoned until I'm only left with memories and emotions.

change

"Change is a hard thing, and you've been fighting it a long time. You won't be happy until you give your soul what it needs. The journey has to start somewhere. "
Gladys to Mina in The Stranger's Obituary

I don't do well with change. Most people don't. I'm no exception. When somethings changes in my life I'm more likely to withdraw from people or to freak out emotionally. It's not easy being me. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
The fear of change is really the fear of losing control. Not being able to predict what will happen. Not being able to bring about what you want to happen. Change has a way of sneaking in and saying, "boo!". Not fair, right?
There are millions of ways that change affects our lives. We change our clothes, jobs, hobbies etc. The more we try to have control even thru some on else, the more we lose.
It isn't the changes that matter, but the way we react to them that does.

laundry day

I never liked doing laundry as a kid. It wasn't so much the washing and drying, but it was the folding that got to me.  I wasn't good at it. What I folded always turned out wrinkled and crooked no matter how much Mom showed me how to fold them. Finally I was delegated the sock matcher and was given the duty of finding missing socks as well. I loved it. Finding socks was like a scavenger hunt,  usually not being fruitful as our socks mysteriously disappeared constantly. I made match socks into a game. I got pretty good at folding socks. To this day I do enjoy folding them.
Today I have 6 loads of laundry to do at the laundromat. Six,  because I've been putting it off for a few weeks now. But the time has come to grit my teeth and just do it.
The loads are currently washing and I'm sitting in at Joe's Diner drinking coffee while I wait. I find that even though I don't like doing laundry, I don't mind the wait between the time to switch them to the dryer. 
I'm reminded that most times the best things are worth waiting for. In this case,  at the end,  I will have clean bedding and clothes. That's worth waiting for.

a collision: when the past meets the present

This past Sunday, and on any given Sunday I go after church to my favorite diner, Not Your Average Joe's. It's a great family diner and the food there is amazing. Plus I get my favorite table almost every time. The waitresses there are wonderfully nice and in such a short period of time, learned my drink preferences and usually stop to chat a while when the diner is slow. I like going there to relax and work on art Journaling or whatever I choose to bring.  They don't mind me bringing in my art stuff. It's  been quite a habit with me.
The diner closes at 3pm on Sundays so I have a small window to work on anything. But it's worth it to get out in the public,  which is a huge anxiety trigger for me, but I still love to people watch. 
Well, I was sitting at my table where I can see the whole diner and I noticed two ladies walking in and sitting down a few tables away.  I did a double-take thinking I recognized one of the ladies.  I dismissed it though because I wasn't sure.  A few minutes later I noticed the lady's voice. She has a distinct nasal twang in her speech and I recognized it right away as the lady I thought she might be.  To be honest, out of social anxiety I sat there thinking,  "Please don't recognize me. Please don't remember me." Of course, my chanting didn't work and just as I looked over there our eyes met. So I decided that when I leave or when they leave I would go over and say hello. I went on with what I was doing, which was Smashbooking. 
It got closer to 3pm so I got up to use the restroom and pay before stopping to chat. The lady stopped me as I passed her and she invited me to sit with them. I went to the bathroom and then paid before I went back and reluctantly sat down.
Now the hesitancy on my part had nothing to do with the lady herself, but with knowing that in that moment, my past collided with my present. It's a humbling experience. I enjoyed chatting with her and her mom about my internship and time at college.
However, I couldn't help thinking that the Kayla they knew and were talking about seemed like a whole different person. Like it really wasn't me they were reminiscent about. I wonder what happened to that girl? I wondered at the differences between past me and present me. What changed? What stayed the same?
While I was talking to the two ladies,  I felt ashamed. Ashamed of the reality that I changed.  Why shame? I should be happy that I changed,  especially if it were for the better. I felt shame that the two ladies think I am someone I no longer am or could no longer be.
I can no longer be that naive, gentle, innocent girl that I was in college. I can never undo the damage done by wrong choices or circumstances out of my control. But most of all, I am not that young girl with big dreams. Because those dreams turned out to be someone else's dreams pushed on to me. Growing up is hard.  When you are a kid,  you are taught certain things by your parents. Hopefully you have decent parents and they raise you right.  In my case,  my mother was one who tried to raise me right but ended up pushing her desires onto me until I thought they were my own. She set my life up for what she wanted me to be and it wasn't until I went to college that I realized I was living a lie in pursuing what I thought were my dreams.
That's what I mean by not being able to go back and be that girl. I can no longer be someone I'm not than a leopard can change it's spots.
That leaves me with accepting who I have become today. And I am ok with that. So when I was sitting with the two ladies,  I recognized that the Kayla they knew no longer exists. She is in the past. And it's ok.
I didn't open up to the two ladies about this revelation because I didn't want them to feel bad that they didn't know me as well as they thought. I just was myself and hoped that they would see the new Kayla as she is and accept her just the same.
I think anyone else would want it to be the same way.