heartbreak

My heart is heavy this morning. It beats slowly and I'm left breathing hard. It isn't the verge of a panic attack. It isn't the verge of illness. It simply is the result of a heart that's breaking slowly every day.
I don't have tears yet. I don't have the words completely. But I have the pain and sadness that comes with a broken heart.
It's been two years since my world was turned upside down when a certain person walked into my heart. Two years of silence and confusion as the relationship deteriorated. Two years of wondering why and never having the answer. Just a lot of speculation. And that doesn't help.
Two years since that certain person told me they loved  me. Two years of wondering if it was real. I suppose I'll never know now since it has been two years since that certain person has spoken to me.
What makes a person think they have the right to hurt another so deeply? What gives them the right to lie about something so sacred, only to toss it away like rubbish. That person has no idea how much they hurt me when they walked away from our relationship. They don't know how many times I have cried over something I thought was real only it wasn't. They don't know how much I struggle with regret and happiness over things that happened between us. How I wonder if they are hurting just as much. They don't know how often I pray for them,  that they would experience peace and forgiveness,  as I ask for those things too. They have no idea how many times I tell myself that I'll never know why or ever talk to them again. Or how much I miss laughing together. I keep reminding myself that just as I have lost in the relationship,  they have lost as well, even if it were by their choice. They don't know the shame and dissapoinment of knowing that I loved someone who has chosen to not love me in return. They don't know how I wonder if I'll ever be able to love again after this. They don't realize the cost of my giving the most precious thing I have to give,  only to have it taken and used without a loving thought.
But there is always the other side. Their side. I don't know what that looks like. I can't read their minds or guess. The only reality is that for a brief moment in our lives,  we loved. And then it was gone,  abandoned until I'm only left with memories and emotions.