nerves and being social

I have always been a loner. Sure, I played with my siblings and the neighbor kids, but I only felt safe when I was alone. As a child, I created imaginary worlds that I alone knew about and could "live" in anytime I wanted. One such world was always when I was riding in the car. I frequently got car sick so I was the delegated person to sit in the middle of the back seat right where the "hump" was. If you have never had a vehicle pre 2003 then you won't understand the hump.  It was a hump right in the middle of floor in the backseat. To this day I have no idea what that hump was for.

Anyways, whenever I would get in the car, I would start my story.  Different plots but the same characters. Always pretending to be a horse rider racing the car and jumping over driveways and creeks. It was the adventurous girl in me that made wonderful stories about a horse named Destiny and a rider who never gave up and faced danger head on.
From the time I was young, I learned that you can't rely on others to rescue you. Some may step up to the plate but most of them will end up breaking trust. I learned to rely on myself for the things I did have control of, like my stuffed bears, and my art, and the stories I created.
I grew up in a world full of imaginations and hope and dreams.
So I became a loner. I preferred to stay home rather than go out and experience the world. I hid from having potential friends and situations that I deemed unsafe. I rescued myself by not putting myself out there in danger of forging new relationships. 
What I didn't know was that all the loneliness and insecurity were slowly killing me.
I've grown up since then and have become more extroverted but I still need that alone time so I can function. I've learned that I have to stand on my own two feet. And that no matter what, I need to be true to myself.
That adventurous little girl is still in me. She peeks out at my adult world and dreams of everything being better. I'm not there yet. I'm on my way to recovery. And the adult me realizes that I need the child me more than a ever before.