the biggest lie

You've heard it before. "Relationships go both ways and why should I always be the one to initiate?"
Why not you? If we wait for the other person to initiate contact, chances are they never will because they are waiting for the same thing!
I've been guilty of saying the above statement. I've also been guilty of losing friendships over such petty selfishness. Because in saying the other person must be the one to initiate,  then what responsibility do you have? None.

death and it's mysteries

All great stories have an end; where the reader wonders what happens next in the character's lives.
The thing is, I am a story to be told. I am a living book without any bookish facades.  My story is full of adventure into the unknown. Pages of challenging tasks and daunting bridges to cross. My story holds secret tunnels and strange fragments of a mirror of myself.  There is no king or queen in my story. No heroine or hero. No fanciful creatures unimaginable. There is only me. A reflection of myself in my story. And no one can replace me.

I am the third daughter of four children born to a small town family. We were taught to respect our elders, to wash behind our ears, and to work hard. I remember the years of my childhood with a mixture of sadness and joy. I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experiences I had as a child because they made me who I am today.

I am a Hoosier. Born and bred Indiana girl. My dad didn't farm; he worked in a factory. My mom was at home and home schooled us kids all through high school.We played baseball in the cornfields after harvest. We swam for hours in the local swimming hole. We played board games instead of computer games. I can even remember when the internet went public. There was a quiet understanding that life was about working hard and spending time with those you love. 

My childhood wasn't all happy. My first experience of death was I was six. My Grandpa had passed away and at the funeral home, someone, who I don't remember, lifted me up to see Grandpa in his casket. I toughed his hand and remember thinking how cold they were and that Grandpa wouldn't like to be cold. My second experience wasn't as a dramatic event, but it was just as monumental as Grandpa's death. I had a beloved cat. My sisters were like the cat mafia. They each had their own cat, and when those two cats had kittens, the kittens became my sisters' sole property. My brother and I were not allowed to play with them or heaven forbid, pick them up! I cried for days to my parents that I wanted a cat of my own, knowing full well that the kittens would be taken to neighborhood farms and even the local pound. My dad wasn't overly fond of cats, but he tolerated them for us kids, I believe. Secretly I think he like cats but didn't want to admit it, because sometimes you would catch him scratching the ears of a kitty when he thought no one was looking. 

Finally, my parents had enough of me talking about having a cat of my own and made my sisters let me pick one out. I picked the cutest roundest furball of them all and named him Blue for his blue grey coat. He was my playmate and confidant. Whenever I was outside, where I went, he went. Together we made forts and played dolls; he often was found sleeping next to me while I would read a book in the grass. 

We both grew up. I knew about death. The experience with my Grandpa prepared me for someone I care about to be gone. Grandpa left an empty void in my little girl heart. He used to rock me and stroke my cheek until I would fall asleep. I had seen death in various forms, from squashed bugs to dead toads and snakes and mice that the cats would kill. I knew that death meant that the person or critter would no longer walk and talk and play in this world anymore. My mom explained heaven to me as a young child and I kept a wish that all my beloved pets were also up there with Grandpa to keep him company.

When I was twelve, my Blue got sick. My parents didn't believe or have the money to take a farm cat to the veterinarian. It wasn't that they were cruel; they hated to see an animal suffer. My dad kept a .22 rifle on hand in case coons or possums came around. He also kept it as a way to end an animal's suffering. Now, before you get all upset about this, my dad was a crack shot and he made sure that the animal didn't suffer at it's end. He saw no difference between a lethal shot and a rifle shot. Both had the same results. Us kids knew that death was a part of living. From the tiniest creature to our big farm dog, we knew that one day they would go just as Grandpa went years ago. I am proud to say that my family has a cemetery for all our beloved pets and we honor each one with a little burial ceremony. 

Blue got sick and I knew what that meant. He either was going to get better or dad was going to have to shoot him so he didn't suffer. At the time we didn't know anything about feline leukemia, but now looking back, Blue had all the symptoms of that disease. He would have died whether we took him to the vet or not.

The day dad decided to help Blue, we were all home at the time. Although I had begged for dad to not shoot Blue, I knew deep down that it was for the best. Now,  I am not superstitious, but I do find unexplainable things very intriguing. For what ever freak reason, dad took his first shot at Blue and it missed him. The animals weren't afraid of guns because dad was always target practicing. So, Blue just sat there and watched. Long story short for the sake of sensor, dad ended up shooting Blue nine times before Blue died. I know that sounds cruel and it was terrible. It was a freak thing that every time dad took a shot that was meant to kill, Blue would move just enough that the bullets would hit him, but freakishly missed vital organs!

My confession is this: I didn't watch all this happening. I heard about it from my siblings and mom. I didn't want to watch my beloved cat die, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I had enough respect for life that I accepted that death eventually comes knocking. 

My third experience with death was years later when I was fifteen and our farm dog was so old that she couldn't walk. Her hips would give out every time she tried to stand. My dad was heartbroken and unable to make the decision to ease our dog's suffering. My mom called a neighbor and planned a day trip for us kids so that we weren't there when he shot and buried our beloved dog. It was a sober day. I remember thinking that when we got back home, we would no longer see our dog. For weeks it was strange to see the doghouse and know that it was empty. My parents waited a while before getting another dog, who also is gone now. 

I write these memories down because they are a part of me. They shaped my view of life and death. They taught me that some things can't be explained, like Blue's "nine lives". I look back and know that had these events not happened, I would be a different person. Some people do not experience death until late in life. Some people hide from the reality of death. Some accept death quietly, while others refuse to believe that they are mortal. Animals don't sit and ponder these things. (I think.) They live and breathe and die. It's a cycle that touches each creature here on earth. 

Me, I want my story to be told. I want to live well and learn to die well. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideations, but at my core I want to live. I don't want to give up my life for nothing. I want my story to be told and for it to have a happy ending, if even just a smidgen.

I hope that I am already learning to truly live.

depression and the human spirit

I have been battling depression for most of my life. That's almost 30 years of dark moods and despairing thoughts. It's not easy living like this. It's not something that just goes away in an instant. Battling depression is truly a battle. You win some and you lose most of the time. Depression is defined as,


Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being.^[1][2] People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present.^[3] Depressed mood is a feature of some psychiatric syndromes such as major depressive disorder,^[2] but it may also be a normal reaction to life events such as grief, a symptom of some bodily ailments or a side effect of some drugs and medical treatments.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_%28mood%29


There is no cure, only management. Not only is the mood affected, but the body experiences depression as well., I often have aches, tremors, unexplained pains, headaches and exhaustion when I am going through a dark period. For me, depression is like an ocean tide coming and going. Sometimes the waves of depression are calm and slow and I am able to focus better. Other times, the depression is like a storm raged sea; unpredictable and lonely. Medicines help dull the intensity. Therapy helps with the thoughts and then the actions following. Rest and coping skills become lifelines, but there is always a sense of foreboding laying in wait, ready to pounce on a person at their weakest point.
Depression is a serious illness. Many have succumbed to it's hopelessness and have committed suicide. Depression cannot be allowed to be swept into a corner and not be treated. Our society says "Be happy. Be what everyone else wants you to be." That mentality only sets the depressed up for failure because to be truly "happy" most of the time is not attainable for the depressed. Even the weather affects people with depression. The grayer the weather the more likely people are to experience dark moods.

Simple tasks like showering or getting dressed can become unreachable goals.

I don't know the answers to the why of mental illness. I won't even begin to try. But what I do know is that mental illness isn't shameful. With the right help and the willingness to try, most mental illnesses can be treated.

Don't let the stigmas of the world tell you otherwise.

attraction and it's falsehoods

I just finished reading the book by Lawana Blackwell, The Widow of Larkspur Inn, and I was very impressed by the author's style of writing. She presented her characters as if they were based on real people's lives; their emotions, thoughts and actions were portrayed as if they were taken straight from a collection of historic diaries. Normally, I try to stay away from Christian Romance books because I believe that most of them misrepresent love and how God intended love to be between a man and a woman. Granted, there are some books in that genre out there that are worth reading. Francine Rivers has written many Christian "Romance" Fiction books, that not only grip the readers interest by her frank approach to sensitive topics like abortion, prostitution, social injustice, but also promotes a healthy attitude towards the romantic side of relationships. Dee Henderson wrote a series of books based on a fictional family (The O'Malley series) of orphans that have gone on in their lives to careers that often put them in danger. Each book presents a possible real life mystery and love story intertwined. Her characters are complicated and yet show many human traits as they discover true love.There are many more Christian Romance novels out there that present God's intentions toward romantic love. Grace Livingstone Hill, Janette Oak, Colleen Coble to name a few.
In the book, The Widow of Larkspur Inn, you do not find out until the very end that the main character, the Widow, has become the object of another character's affection. Thru the book there is no tender looks or caresses, no romantic sentences to clue you in to their relationship. The only thing that sets the couple apart is their respect and consideration towards each other. The Widow goes thru the whole book mourning her first husband and in the end realizes that her marriage was based on physical attraction. She comes to the conclusion that there is a difference between loving someone based on compatibility or attraction and mutual respect and honor. Both sides can look and feel like love, but which one is lasting? The Widow concludes that love is a choice that you stand by no matter what. In the end, she chose love her man even though she was not attracted to him.
The difference between love and attraction isn't as fine line as we think. Attraction has to do with only the physical aspects of love. It involves the five senses and often can cloud judgement of character or situations. With love being a choice, it involves the mind, soul, heart (the seat of emotions), and the body. True love is a consuming choice to stand by someone thru anything that may happen even at the cost of self. Selflessness is love. To give up one's self is the biggest thing that a human can do because in the giving, there is a molding to the other person that happens. God intended man and woman to become "one flesh" through the physical and mental act of sex. All forms of sexual contact links a man and woman on a level that is hard to break. Spiritually speaking, though sex is an act, it also connects the heart (again, the emotions) and the soul which is the essence of a person. Which is why I believe that the feelings and thoughts evoked thru reading, for the sake of my topic, Christian Romance, can lead to impure thoughts and actions, and largely a wrong sense of how God created human love to be.
Hollywood takes physical attraction and labels it love. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted as they are. Those "feelings" of love make money. You might ask if attraction needs to come from love and I say both yes and no. Yes, it needs to not be the first desire in a relationship, and no it is a part of how God created us to accept each other. But it isn't the main purpose of love. Physical attraction is just that. Physical. If we depended on attraction first before getting into a relationship, where would that leave those who we say are not "attractive"? Or what about the elderly couples? Do they stay together because they are attracted to each other or because they make a choice? A selfless decision to love someone in spite of how they look or act is the most powerful part of love. In as much as you want to be accepted and loved, so does everyone else. It all comes down to a choice.
Why am I writing about this? And so strongly believing this? It really struck me about the choice to love. It's one thing to like someone because you are attracted to them and a whole other thing to choose to love someone who has beauty in their person but not necessarily physically. Attraction often comes after love when love is truly applied. As you learn to love someone selflessly, you see past the unattractive, like bad breath or scars, or overweight. Those things begin to not matter as you see into the other persons heart and soul.
I have made the mistake of falling for attraction first and ended up losing him. I believe it is because we based our relationship on attraction and not on meaningful things like compassion, encouragement, dedication, accountability. Our "love" was shallow and self serving instead of being rooted in the good things. When our relationship fell apart our of the blue, it wasn't by my choice. He chose to walk away from our friendship and relationship, resulting in him choosing to not even talk to me. Four years of our lives together and it's as if they meant nothing. Talk about devastating. It caused me to question whether or not I was attractive, or lovable, or even just likable. I had based my importance and identity on the relationship that ended up failing. I wanted so much to be loved and to love that I overlooked the truth that attraction is shallow when if comes before selflessness. Beauty fades but character doesn't I want to learn to have a good character so that I can selflessly give myself to someone else someday. And even if that doesn't happen and marriage isn't for me, then at least I can say that I accomplished a life full of character building and selfless love for others. 

soaking feet and eating ice cream

I'm sitting soaking my feet in a now warm tub of water and eating some Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream. Odd combo, I know. But I needed some sensory interactions.

The feel of the soft warm water on my ankles is like a cashmere sweater just slipped on. My toes flex and curl. My heels absorb the water making the calluses soft. I'll be scrubbing those later on.  Soft feet are a luxury for me because I don't always take the time to care for them.
The vanilla ice cream is cold. I find chocolate shavings and a clump of cookie dough underneath the melted ice cream. I chomp into the dough and am rewarded by the grainy sweet taste of yumminess.

It's a good way to wind down from a really bad day like today.  I don't have the words to explain all that happened. The only thing I can do is accept that today was what it was and I need to move on. Which is why I was needing to do the sensory activities. 
Most of the time it's all I can do to get thru the next hour, the next minute.  I wake up each day hoping that it'll be different. That I'll wake up better and not have the problems I do. And when I realize that I have the same anxieties and borderline tendencies, I fall apart. I know that I have changed since I took that first step to go to the inpatient unit two years ago. And I know that it is a long journey that I am on.  On days like today,  I just want to disappear.  It's hard for me to see the truth when I am like this.  Which is why it was important for me to work on sensory  activities.

anxiety and blessings

Well, today has been a long and emotionally anxious day. Figuring out how to get my meds has been such a nightmare. I won't go into all the details because I don't want to ruminate on the anxiety. In the end, I was able to get my meds at a reasonable price. Took most of my paycheck but I paid in cash. I don't like to be in debt. I was impressed with the  way that Bowen Center staff has gone above and beyond to help me out with the med situation. I've never felt so cared for in years. I know I can count on them.
God has provided for me today and I am so grateful.
The thing about anxiety is that even if you know the truth, the anxiety can still be there.
There are five things that I accomplished today or that happened that stand out to me. I can choose to be happy and proud about my accomplishments. 
1. Got my med situation straightened out.
2. God provided a $50 gift card for groceries.
3. God provided for a nice lunch for me today.
4. I found two new pairs of work pants.
5. I got Rosie a new outfit.
6. I cleaned my living room.
7. I decided to play this weekend.
If I can keep my eyes fixed on positivity then I think I can make it thru this weekend.

to play or not to play

It's the end of today and I am not really ready for bed. I have church tomorrow and while I am looking forward to church, I'm not looking forward to being around people. The reclusive side of me is very stubborn lately. Ever since I came home from my trip to MN, I have been more withdrawn.
It's not that I don't want to have relationships with people,  I just don't have the energy to maintain them these days.
Yesterday was a long and stressful day. I called my back up therapist and she advised me to take the time to play all weekend. She said I've been working so much with my job and at my recovery and coping with my illnesses. She said that I needed to take a break so the stress would be lessend.

Today wasn't much better. I ran some errands and then went to Not Your Average Joe's Diner. I read some, journaled some, and worked on some art. I was struggling all day with my emotions trying to overtake me. I practiced coping skills and grounding techniques to help. I went grocery shopping right before I went home.

I'm sitting here thinking about playing and not playing. It feels strange to not be working on something. Strange to be playing only. I keep catching myself reverting back to a seven year old me. I had pulled out my barbies and have been dressing them into different characters.  As I've been playing, the emotions I felt while I was a child wash over me like waves. Some small and gentle, others rough and large. Overwhelming. I wonder if that's what it's like to have the past meet the present?
I was thinking about if as a child I wasn't able to process the emotions, then maybe I need to process them as an adult to make things equal. I don't even know if I'm making sense.  I guess it's something that I need to sit on for a while.
So good night for now.

nerves and being social

I have always been a loner. Sure, I played with my siblings and the neighbor kids, but I only felt safe when I was alone. As a child, I created imaginary worlds that I alone knew about and could "live" in anytime I wanted. One such world was always when I was riding in the car. I frequently got car sick so I was the delegated person to sit in the middle of the back seat right where the "hump" was. If you have never had a vehicle pre 2003 then you won't understand the hump.  It was a hump right in the middle of floor in the backseat. To this day I have no idea what that hump was for.

Anyways, whenever I would get in the car, I would start my story.  Different plots but the same characters. Always pretending to be a horse rider racing the car and jumping over driveways and creeks. It was the adventurous girl in me that made wonderful stories about a horse named Destiny and a rider who never gave up and faced danger head on.
From the time I was young, I learned that you can't rely on others to rescue you. Some may step up to the plate but most of them will end up breaking trust. I learned to rely on myself for the things I did have control of, like my stuffed bears, and my art, and the stories I created.
I grew up in a world full of imaginations and hope and dreams.
So I became a loner. I preferred to stay home rather than go out and experience the world. I hid from having potential friends and situations that I deemed unsafe. I rescued myself by not putting myself out there in danger of forging new relationships. 
What I didn't know was that all the loneliness and insecurity were slowly killing me.
I've grown up since then and have become more extroverted but I still need that alone time so I can function. I've learned that I have to stand on my own two feet. And that no matter what, I need to be true to myself.
That adventurous little girl is still in me. She peeks out at my adult world and dreams of everything being better. I'm not there yet. I'm on my way to recovery. And the adult me realizes that I need the child me more than a ever before.

headaches and grief

Day three of headache. Ugh. My whole face feels swollen and tight. The throbbing started this morning but I've had a headache lingering in the background since Monday.
I can only do one thing at a time and let Jesus take care of everything else. I finally took some Tylenol and it's helped.  I don't make it a habit to take pain killers.  Honestly because I'm afraid I'll get addicted to them.  So I don't take them unless it's an extreme case.

I've been trying to figure out what it is that is causing the headache but I haven't been able to. I'm under a lot of stress right now with work and my apartment and with my health insurance.  I don't know what each day will hold.

I want my trust to be complete. 

To not worry  or doubt. To know that everything has a purpose and will work out according to His purposes. It takes time to learn that. It takes a deep decision to pursue the peace that comes when you trust God. Last couple days I've forgotten what it is to let go and rest.
There are few situations in my life right now that I need to surrender. It's a daily battle. It's a scary test and it's not easy. but when the dust settles I want to be standing.

The thing is, grief has this unsettling way of popping it's ugly head up when you least expect it. It doesn't discriminate where you are or what you might be doing.  Today grief has hit me hard. And I'm stuck at work unable to truly deal with it.

I've been off work for a while earlier today. Spent the time reading and resting. There's a dull ache in my chest. I can't change the situations or the people, but I can still trust and pray that God will work His miracles. Letting go of someone you love, whether they've died or have just left your life, is the hardest tasks for the heart to do.  A broken heart have I.

can't sleep

I can't seem to settle down to sleep tonight. My mind is whirring with thoughts. Ideas and contemplating on situations and prayers. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it just is what it is.

I was reading a book tonight and one of the sweetest things was said by the main character.  

She said, "Now go to sleep and let Jesus take care of everything else" (Deep in the Heart by Staci Stallings)
What a reminder to rest and trust! I find that I am not as trusting as I like to think I am. I'm full of questions with no answers. Fears with no reason. And I forget that I am frail and still gaining my strength.  Inner strength. Strength that compels me to live for more than what could be possible. 
So for tonight, I'm going to let Jesus take care of everything else.

working girl

This is me today at my job. It's not the most exciting job but it pays the rent. I used to be full time but had to cut my hours (long story) so I could get the insurance I need and to help me function better. Working full time was causing me too much anxiety, which in turn caused my symptoms to worsen.
Today I feel awful. Not only is it because I'm on my period but therapy was canceled this morning due to my therapist being sick. 
Now, I understand that she is sick and that can't be helped.  She isn't avoiding me or leaving me.  I have to remind myself of those truths because my mind and emotions say otherwise.
Telling myself the truth is using my wisemind. It balances me out and helps me to see reality thru a healthy mindset instead of an unhealthy filtered mindset. I'll explain more on that in another post.
For today I need to practice self care and distractions. Self care to help me feel better and distraction to help me cope. Hopefully the day will improve.