Touch and why we need connection

There is something about the sense of touch that impacts us all. From the very first time of being held, and even while in the womb, a baby experiences touch. We've all seen expectant mothers gently caressing their growing tummy. Then comes the birthing process and a baby is finally skin to skin with another human. And they are given to the mother who holds them tenderly at her breast. They come naked into this world and have years ahead of then to learn what life is about. But in that first skin to skin moment they know security, love and warmth. What the baby knows is limited to what they experience. The connection between mother and child is a bond that can never be broken. Forgotten, yes, but not broken.

Unfortunately not all babies are born with kind touches and gentle kisses. There are thousands of orphans who never have hadthat first connection with their mother. There are countless children who have had that first touch but thru circumstances have lost that connection. They lose their sense of safety around other people. These children become untrusting and troublemakers. It's all they know. To them, a touch is never gentle nor kind, but is manipulative and cruel. We blame them for something that they themselves alone cannot control, and turn around to blame the parents even they, too, never had the first connection with their mothers.

Today I learned about using our five senses to calm ourselves when in distress. For sight, hearing, taste and smell I did ok with coming up with ideas of how to use them. But touch. I struggled with. I have extremly sensitive hands. I believe it comes from years of working on art and using them to feel what I'm doing more than using my sight. I'm rough on my hands. My nails and cuticles are always damaged no matter what I do.But that doesn't keep me from using them. I started thinking about the things I touch on a daily basis. My face, my cat, my doorknob, my blanket etc. I can catalog every sensation that my fingers experience. But I struggle with receiving touches from other people. I accept hugs rarely and only if the person is someone I trust. I startle easy when someone touches my shoulder or arm especially if I didn't know they were behind me. There are certain people I keep a few feet distance from at all times. But at the same time, though i fear touch, I find myself craving it. Wanting to hold hands with someone I trust and love. Getting that kiss on the forehead or a short hug from someone I care about.

The thing is....there are so many people out there feeling the same way as I do. Wanting connection but fearing it as well. How do we fix this? By building trust with people. Communicating and listening to each other. The world needs more kindness and grace.

I'm not about to go hugging everyone I see, but I will change how I view others. They're just like me. 

Heavy Heart

I'm snuggled up on my bed with the bedspread wrapped around me. Today has been a busy day with appointments and errands and cleaning the apartment. My back and neck are sore from it all but I feel glad that I accomplished so much today.

Inspite of that, I find my mind wandering to things I don't normally think of often. My heart is heavy. Weighted down with grief today.

You see, I lost two good friends this summer. One died after struggling with terminal illness and the other commited suicide. Both were far to young to die. And although it has been months since they passed, there have been days when I am struck by a memory of them and it's like losing them all over again. The grief runs it's cycles.

But the hardest part? Knowing that there was nothing I could do to help them.I couldn't heal them. Oh and I prayed for healing for them. Physically and mentally. And even though you could say that God didn't answer, I believe that He did; just not in the way I expected. My terminally ill friend is now pain free and whole. My friend who committed suicide is finally at peace. I have to believe that the option to let them pass was God's way of extending mercy and grace towards them.

There are a lot of people who under a misconception believe that those who commit suicide go atraight to hell. There are people who believe that if you have a mental illness that you aren't trusting God; that it's all in your head.

Here are a few things that various people have said to me...
"You just need to pray more."
"Surrender is key."
"Quit faking it. You're just acting this way to get attention."
"Have you taken your meds today, cause you act like you haven't."
"God doesn't forgive those who commit suicide because its murder."
"You don't look like you are disabled."

What those people don't understand is that those comments hurt more than help. They can be said by your dearest friend and suddenly you don't want anything to do with your friend. Or you have a choice to take it with a gain of salt and focus through it.

Here's what most people don't know about those with mental illness; we actually tell ourselves the same kind of lies.

"I did it again. I'm so stupid, I'm not ever going to get better."
"We don't want anyone with mental illness because they're unreliable"

And so on....

My point is that you have no idea what kind of struggle someone is battling through. So keep that in mind.

My friends are at peace.

Contemplation

I've been kind of quiet lately. Not had much to say. Until now.
A lot of thinking going on. A lot of processing and resting.

It takes time to take care of yourself. Your well-being.Your health; physical, mental and spiritual. It's not a perfect science or method. You just love yourself in whatever way suits you the best.

For me, loving myself means making sure I eat, bathe, sleep/rest and make it to my appointments. Simple. Yet why do I still feel so mixed up?

It has been said that time flies when your having fun. The opposite is that when your not having fun time goes slowly. Sometimes we need that slowness even though it annoys us. I've been so busy lately that I have forgotten how to stop and take the time to just be. To be me.

This past week has gone by both fast and slow. Mostly fast with moments of slow thrown in. And even though it has been fast I've still had time to reflect on my thoughts and emotions. I feel trapped with a mental illness that I can't control. I feel sad at the recent end of a friendship. I feel content in where I am living.I feel physical pain in my back from a degenerative disc. But mostly I feel like I'm not myself these days.

Expectations. What do I expect of myself? Of others? Of God?

I go thru life with a lot of expectations for various reasons. And when they aren't met, I fall apart. It's partially the borderline personality disorder but mostly just because I'm human.

I expect myself to always do the right thing. To be honest with myself and live in such a way that good comes from my living.

I expect others to always understand me. To not judge and to love/like me for who I am and who I'm not.

Pretty big expectations that neither I nor others can live up to perfectly. And when I get dissapointed that those expectations aren't met, I start doubting everything. What I believe. What others think of me. What I think of me. What God thinks of me. The biggest expectation is the one I put on God.
I expect God to "magically" answer every prayer prayed. That sounds ridiculous now that I wrote it. But it's true. Sometimes I fall into the trap of acting like God is a magical genie who will give me everything I want. That if I am good and I ask the right way He will answer the way I want Him to answer.

But the truth is simple. God can do whatever He wants to do. There isn't a magical formula to get prayers answered. He will answer Yes. No. Or Not now. It's hard to wait on God. Hard to accept when His answer isn't what we expect.

There is so much confusion around what Christianity is and is not. I meet people every day who have been hurt by the church members and/or church beliefs. I'm not even going to try to address those issues except to say that God moves in mysterious ways that we may never truly understand. It's all about two things.

Faith. In God. In people. In yourself.

And trust.

Do I trust that no matter where my life leads me that there are constant truths that are to guide me? What do I believe? That's a question for another post.

In conclusion, I find myself evaluating my actions, my words and most of the time all insee are flaws. But today I see a girl who has questions just like everyone else. I'm no different than anyone I meet. And that's ok.

Self care ideas

I haven't blogged in a while. Mostly due to feeling a little unbalanced. And feeling like I don't have anything to say.

But today is different.

I was talking to a friend about having a list of activities to do when distressed or bored. I was telling her about my list and I realized that I have a pretty big list!

Here it is:
Take a bath or shower, read, draw or do art, take a walk or exercise, play with pets, dress up, cook a meal, get take out, fiddle with something like a rock or stressball, pray, surf the internet, take pictures, draw how you feel, write a letter, go for a drive, buy something you've always wanted, spend time with a friend or family s long as they are positive influences, message a friend, create something, play with slime or clay, drink water or juice, focus on tasting different foods, use your five senses,go rock hunting or hiking, so something nice for someone else, journal, plan, watch a movie or tv, walk away from triggering experiences, play a game,call someone, hold a coin in your hand and notice how it feels, count to 100, color, go to library, and so on.

The list keeps growing.

It has taken me four years to make this list and to incorporate it into my daily life.

I hope this helps someone out there who needs ideas of what to do. 

Faith

I'm a member of several mental health groups on Facebook. There are so many posts about religion and Christianity that talk about how people have been hurt by things people have said and done in the name of faith or religion. It makes me sad to hear people say they don't believe in God because they say that they havent "seen or experienced" His hand in their lives. What it really comes down to is that they haven't been taught to recognize Jesus at work in their lives. They see all the bad and assume that He doesn't care. It's a lie. Satan has tricked so many of us into thinking God doesn't exist simply because we havent seen or felt Him.

If you place stock in the Bible, remember The Bible says  Hebrews 11:1
11 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Just because you can't see or touch something doesn't mean it isn't real. If Jesus were not real then why are there millions of people who believe He is and have seen His evidence of His existence? I can only tell you what I have experienced. And tell you that you may have experienced Jesus in ways you may not realize that it was Him. I know for me it took years for me to recognize the things He has done in my life.
- I was constantly sick growing up and one day I just stopped getting sick
- I broke my neck when I was 15 and three days later it was healed. No joke. I have the Dr reports and exrays to prove it.
- I have had financial difficulty over the years yet my college is paid for and I am no longer in debt. And I havent had a solid working history.
- I've watched my mom recover from three strokes. She almost died twice.
- I consider every good thing that comes my way to be from Him.
And so many other things the list can go on.

I don't deserve these things. I've made some serious mistakes over the years but time and time again, I see that Jesus is there for me.

I sincerely hope that you don't give up on Jesus but keep seeking Him. The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:13  "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

We all believe in something. Even the act of not believing in God is choosing to believe in something.

The question is.....what would it take for you to experience Jesus in your life and believe in Him?

Image

Know what really annoys me?
Being fat.
Being fat and people pointing it out. Or people pointing behind my back.
Yep. I'm being honest. And before you start saying things like "if you just would eat better or exercise more..."
Or "you have the power to change".
Let me tell you something. The typical responses and phrases you may say to "give me advice" is nothing I've haven't been telling myself. I don't need you to point out my size. I live in my large body 24/7. It's not that simple. For me, and many others, being heavy is not about food. Yep. Not about food. What about exercise? It could be for some an issue of not being able to be as active as they need to be. Or it simply is the fact that meds play a part in weight gain. I am on two meds that cause weight gain no matter what I eat or what I do. But the real issue is that I don't fit into your "perfect" mold. I've had people ask if I'm pregnant. I struggle to put my socks on. Most public seating like movie theatres and airplanes are a tight fit. I don't need anyone to point out my weight issues and label me as not "perfect". I beat myself up every day about my weight. Eat this. Don't eat that. Will this shirt fit or can I squeeze into those pants? What will people think of me? I'm nothing but a loser, a fatty, etc.
Don't even get me started on shopping for clothes that fit and that don't look like your grandma picked them out.
I haven't been clothes shopping in a few years cause it's too dissappointing. Today I spent 45 minutes trying to find some leggings for my size. I didn't find any. Cause at my size, people figure that form fitting clothes are not appropriate. Everything is baggy. Which only serves to make me look bigger. Well, let me tell you something. When you're large, pants or jeans with buttons hurt like hell when you sit down. The waistband cuts into my tummy. Leggings are comfy. End of story.
I struggle with poor self image because of my weight. It's been something I've struggled with my whole life. I look at people as either skinnier than me or larger than me. I pass judgement on thinner people AND on myself. I have an ideal of what a healthy person looks like. And that comes from the way our society works among other things.
I'm done with this. I'm tired of the hurt and tears when someone points out my weight or tells me to eat better. And the thing is......

I know I'm not the only one struggling with this.

I've been back and forth about whether to post this or not. And the voices of self doubt and condemnation haunt me as I write.

But no more. No more starving myself then binge eating. No more bouncing between diets. No more trying to cover my curves. No more telling myself that I'm too fat for anyone to love me.

Cause you know what?

I am so much MORE than the numbers on a scale.

I am kind. I am loyal. I am creative. I am compassionate. I am a good listener. I am strong. I am sensitive. I am spiritual. I am........

I am me. And that's all. No mirror tricks or clothing that disguises my body. No more self doubt.

If you are reading this and you get me, then leave a comment. Stand up for yourself. Don't let peole try to fit you into a mold that never was meant for you or I.

And to those who disagree with me. Ok. Fair enough. You're entitled to your opinion. Just think, if what you would type isn't uplifting or supporting then don't say it. Period.

We need to build each other up. We need to get real with real issues and face them instead of hiding them.

I look at this blog as a sounding board. A place where I can share my struggles, my joys and not be judged for it.

You are worth loving. You are strong and brave. You aren't alone.

Romans 10:9

I had an epiphany today. And it surprised me because I wasn't looking for it. Lol.
All my life I have gone thru so much hardship and trials. It makes looking back at my past very hurtful and sad. I used to think that my past was my past and had no impact on my present or future.
But today, I realized that thru remembering a bunch of miniscule events that happened to me several years ago, it has brought me to the place where I am now. Like if I hadn't gone thru those things, I wouldn't be where I am now. More and more I am convinced that life is not just a bunch of random events that shape our lives. They are entertwinned and overlapping each other all to bring about one thing and one thing only. Redemption. God is in the business of redeeming all that has been lost, broken, tarnished and painful. It's His passion.
And we are the recipients of this redemption. It's a gift. We only have to accept it.
I'm going to assume that the majority of you all have heard in some form the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about religious acts, denominations or the like. I'm talking about Romans 10:9  "if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Romans 10:9 ESV
What a powerful truth. It's rocked me to the core to realize that that gift of salvation is free for us. Free. No strings attached. And no matter what your past is, nor your present, if you choose to believe that Jesus is Lord and He rose from the grave to redeem your past and present, then you can guarantee that your eternal future will be better than you can ever imagine.
We will have trials and sadness and anger, but God, is infinatly big enough to handle those things for us.
My trials is my mental health diagnosis. God has not healed me. But He will someday. The healing is not just in the instantaneous act of healing but is rather in the process that God leads us thru in faith. I have spiritual battle scars from times when I fought against myself and the devil. Some wounds are still fresh. But today, as I write this, I recognize that thru the pain, comes healing and grace. I want to walk in such a way in my life that I no longer look at trials as inherently evil. But rather look at them as stepping stones to the very heart of God.
I hope that you all can understand what I am talking about. Know that you are wanted and very much loved by the one true God.

Possibilities Book

I love the movie Last Holiday. In a lot of ways I can relate to the main character. She's older and single. I'm 33 and single. She's stuck in a dead end job. I have only had dead end jobs until now I'm applying for disability. (Long story)
And she keeps a book of possibilities. So do I but when I started it I didn't know it was a thing.
I started with a plain composition book. And I started to fill it with places I want to go (back to Prague cz, things I want to try (foreign foods of all kinds), things I'd like to own (cute shoes) etc. I had the book a third of the way thru when I saw Last Holiday. I laughed. I cried. And I renewed my semse of wonder and hope that dreams do come true. Since then I have continued to fill it up. I am proud to say that I have knocked off 4 major possibilities in one year back in 2006.
- Saw the Himilayan mountains as I was flying into China.
- Visited Tibet and loved it even though it was below 0 the whole time and I had my sleeping bag permanently attatched to myself. Lol.
- saw the ocean for the first time. South china sea.
- fulfilled my dream of backpacking thru China.

And as I've been filling my possibilities book, I've learned so much about myself. Like, I'm bohemian in my heart and express it thru the things I have around me. And how I love pretty shoes but can't wear them due to my feet being so wide. I learned the importance of communication with those that I love and others I just meet. No matter the language everyone understands a smile. I dont speak Chinese so that was one interesting trip. Most of the time people there wanted to practice English.
I'm getting off track here.
I finished my first possibilities book this year. It was 13 years in the making. I like to look thru the pages and dream and sometimes plan.
And now I have started clippings for a second book.

My hope is that you will be sparked into dreaming again. It doesnt have to be big dreams. It could be as simple as "I wish I had a cup of coffee" or "I wish someone would notice me today."
People admire other people who have learned to be content and yet are still dreaming. It inspires others. I hope I've inspired you.

Peace

What does peace mean to you?

& me?

The calm before the storm.

I took a Word of the Year quiz and got PEACE.