Heavy Heart

I'm snuggled up on my bed with the bedspread wrapped around me. Today has been a busy day with appointments and errands and cleaning the apartment. My back and neck are sore from it all but I feel glad that I accomplished so much today.

Inspite of that, I find my mind wandering to things I don't normally think of often. My heart is heavy. Weighted down with grief today.

You see, I lost two good friends this summer. One died after struggling with terminal illness and the other commited suicide. Both were far to young to die. And although it has been months since they passed, there have been days when I am struck by a memory of them and it's like losing them all over again. The grief runs it's cycles.

But the hardest part? Knowing that there was nothing I could do to help them.I couldn't heal them. Oh and I prayed for healing for them. Physically and mentally. And even though you could say that God didn't answer, I believe that He did; just not in the way I expected. My terminally ill friend is now pain free and whole. My friend who committed suicide is finally at peace. I have to believe that the option to let them pass was God's way of extending mercy and grace towards them.

There are a lot of people who under a misconception believe that those who commit suicide go atraight to hell. There are people who believe that if you have a mental illness that you aren't trusting God; that it's all in your head.

Here are a few things that various people have said to me...
"You just need to pray more."
"Surrender is key."
"Quit faking it. You're just acting this way to get attention."
"Have you taken your meds today, cause you act like you haven't."
"God doesn't forgive those who commit suicide because its murder."
"You don't look like you are disabled."

What those people don't understand is that those comments hurt more than help. They can be said by your dearest friend and suddenly you don't want anything to do with your friend. Or you have a choice to take it with a gain of salt and focus through it.

Here's what most people don't know about those with mental illness; we actually tell ourselves the same kind of lies.

"I did it again. I'm so stupid, I'm not ever going to get better."
"We don't want anyone with mental illness because they're unreliable"

And so on....

My point is that you have no idea what kind of struggle someone is battling through. So keep that in mind.

My friends are at peace.