Contemplation

I've been kind of quiet lately. Not had much to say. Until now.
A lot of thinking going on. A lot of processing and resting.

It takes time to take care of yourself. Your well-being.Your health; physical, mental and spiritual. It's not a perfect science or method. You just love yourself in whatever way suits you the best.

For me, loving myself means making sure I eat, bathe, sleep/rest and make it to my appointments. Simple. Yet why do I still feel so mixed up?

It has been said that time flies when your having fun. The opposite is that when your not having fun time goes slowly. Sometimes we need that slowness even though it annoys us. I've been so busy lately that I have forgotten how to stop and take the time to just be. To be me.

This past week has gone by both fast and slow. Mostly fast with moments of slow thrown in. And even though it has been fast I've still had time to reflect on my thoughts and emotions. I feel trapped with a mental illness that I can't control. I feel sad at the recent end of a friendship. I feel content in where I am living.I feel physical pain in my back from a degenerative disc. But mostly I feel like I'm not myself these days.

Expectations. What do I expect of myself? Of others? Of God?

I go thru life with a lot of expectations for various reasons. And when they aren't met, I fall apart. It's partially the borderline personality disorder but mostly just because I'm human.

I expect myself to always do the right thing. To be honest with myself and live in such a way that good comes from my living.

I expect others to always understand me. To not judge and to love/like me for who I am and who I'm not.

Pretty big expectations that neither I nor others can live up to perfectly. And when I get dissapointed that those expectations aren't met, I start doubting everything. What I believe. What others think of me. What I think of me. What God thinks of me. The biggest expectation is the one I put on God.
I expect God to "magically" answer every prayer prayed. That sounds ridiculous now that I wrote it. But it's true. Sometimes I fall into the trap of acting like God is a magical genie who will give me everything I want. That if I am good and I ask the right way He will answer the way I want Him to answer.

But the truth is simple. God can do whatever He wants to do. There isn't a magical formula to get prayers answered. He will answer Yes. No. Or Not now. It's hard to wait on God. Hard to accept when His answer isn't what we expect.

There is so much confusion around what Christianity is and is not. I meet people every day who have been hurt by the church members and/or church beliefs. I'm not even going to try to address those issues except to say that God moves in mysterious ways that we may never truly understand. It's all about two things.

Faith. In God. In people. In yourself.

And trust.

Do I trust that no matter where my life leads me that there are constant truths that are to guide me? What do I believe? That's a question for another post.

In conclusion, I find myself evaluating my actions, my words and most of the time all insee are flaws. But today I see a girl who has questions just like everyone else. I'm no different than anyone I meet. And that's ok.