currently

I'm laying on a couch listening to the rotating fan blow its cooler breeze in the room. It's a soothing sound. Especially in this humid heat without ac. But I am so glad to have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a place to sleep and a good friend to visit for a month. That's right. I'm on vacation in Minnesota visiting my dear friend AZ. 

I roadtripped up here from Indiana all by myself. Well, kinda. I like to think Jesus was with me too. Which was good because it was a 12 hour drive including several stops! 

I enjoyed the time driving to reflect on my life and my goals. It's been 7 years since the mental breakdown of 2013 that changed my life. I had been diagnosed with Boderline Peraonality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety in 2008 but I kept denying it. From 2008 to 2013 I pretended everything was ok. But it wasn't. I was spiraling downward like alice in the rabbit hole. The onky thing is, when I landed, I was flat on my face. I found myself in an inpatient psych ward for almost 2 weeks. I cried non stop. They couldn't console me. I felt like my whole world fell apart. When actually it was just me that fell apart. And that's actually turned out to be a good thing. You see, when I left that psych ward, I was broken. I was sad. I was confused and angry. But then I met my therapist. And she helped me see that thru the pain comes beauty. Its been 7 years since I've been in therapy. I've been to the inpatient unit several more times. But today I can truly say that I am better than I was in 2013 and better today than yesterday. I have many people to thank for that. And thanks be to Jesus who never gives up on me even when I was ready to give up on myself. 

Since then I have been diagnosed with dissociative disorder and ptsd. But that doesn't define who I am. I am who I am today because of my past experiences. And I'm ok with that.