happiness

The start of something new. 

What changes a life? 

What makes a difference?

Do you strive to better yourself so you can be the best version of you for others? 

I used to be a people pleaser. And sometimes that tendency happens to flare up. But now days I have been so focused on my mental health that caring for others has fallen to the wayside. Not that I'm not nice or anything. But now I put myself first. Sounds selfish, right? 

Wrong. Because if we can't care for our needs how can we care for other's needs? 

Bwing around a lot of people always bothers me. The noise and being unavle to hear individual conversations in the midst of all the chatter. It stresses me out and exhausts me. I NEED time alone to recharge. Is that being selfish? No. I am taking care of myself so I can be the best me I can be. 

When my mom had her strokes yeara ago, I moved in with mom and dad to help her. She needed 24/7 care. I didn't get breaks. I slept on the couch so I could hear her when she would get up to go to the toilet. The moments while she was sleeping, I wouls get household chores done. My dad would come home from work and help a little. But it was the times ai spent away from her that I came to maoe the most out of. I treasured every moment I have had and will have with my mom. But I needed that break. 

Was I being selfish? NO!!

I would have burnt out long ago. 

When I was first diagnosed with Boderline Personality Disorder among other illnesses, I felt like it was a life sentence. I have come to terms with it now. The thing is, in the 7 years of treatments, I can finally say I am finding my happiness. 

currently

I'm laying on a couch listening to the rotating fan blow its cooler breeze in the room. It's a soothing sound. Especially in this humid heat without ac. But I am so glad to have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a place to sleep and a good friend to visit for a month. That's right. I'm on vacation in Minnesota visiting my dear friend AZ. 

I roadtripped up here from Indiana all by myself. Well, kinda. I like to think Jesus was with me too. Which was good because it was a 12 hour drive including several stops! 

I enjoyed the time driving to reflect on my life and my goals. It's been 7 years since the mental breakdown of 2013 that changed my life. I had been diagnosed with Boderline Peraonality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety in 2008 but I kept denying it. From 2008 to 2013 I pretended everything was ok. But it wasn't. I was spiraling downward like alice in the rabbit hole. The onky thing is, when I landed, I was flat on my face. I found myself in an inpatient psych ward for almost 2 weeks. I cried non stop. They couldn't console me. I felt like my whole world fell apart. When actually it was just me that fell apart. And that's actually turned out to be a good thing. You see, when I left that psych ward, I was broken. I was sad. I was confused and angry. But then I met my therapist. And she helped me see that thru the pain comes beauty. Its been 7 years since I've been in therapy. I've been to the inpatient unit several more times. But today I can truly say that I am better than I was in 2013 and better today than yesterday. I have many people to thank for that. And thanks be to Jesus who never gives up on me even when I was ready to give up on myself. 

Since then I have been diagnosed with dissociative disorder and ptsd. But that doesn't define who I am. I am who I am today because of my past experiences. And I'm ok with that. 

current thoughts

I haven't sat down to write in a while. Not even in my personal journal. There's just too much going on these days in the world. I feel overwhelmed by it all. 

I could go off and state my opinions here but the thing about opinions is that everyone thinks they're the ones who are right. Which makes everyone else feel invalidated and inferior. 

That's not why I write. 

I write because it's healing. It's informative. It's my voice among billions. And yet, I am humbled that anyone would care to listen to my ramblings. 

I read some of my other posts and was struck by the emotions both in the writing and as I was reading. Grief still rears it's ugly head sometimes but I have come to see it more as an old friend than an enemy. You see, while I grieve, for those I have lost, for lost dreams and hopes, I truly FEEL. I feel the pain. I feel the sorrow. And that feeling shows me that I am very much alive. And that gives me hope. 

Because I could choose to let the pain swallow me until my heart shrivels. I could choose to not feel anything and become coldhearted. But to FEEL. 

Truly feel. That is living. 

We feel a lot of emotions these days with the current events going on. People dying. People sick. Fear. Uncertainty. Lost jobs. Riots. I could go on. It's tragedy after tragedy and it doesnt look like its going to stop anytime soon. 

I admit, sometimes I want to close my eyes and pretend that nothing is changing. But that's not reality and not helpful. More than that, I want to feel the emotions regarding the pain of our world. I want to open my eyes more and more so that I can see with clarity what needs to be done. I want to feel alive even in the midst of the pain and confusion. 

It's the only way we will rise from the ashes. To come out the other side and say "We made it.". TOGETHER. We can make it through.