Touch and why we need connection

There is something about the sense of touch that impacts us all. From the very first time of being held, and even while in the womb, a baby experiences touch. We've all seen expectant mothers gently caressing their growing tummy. Then comes the birthing process and a baby is finally skin to skin with another human. And they are given to the mother who holds them tenderly at her breast. They come naked into this world and have years ahead of then to learn what life is about. But in that first skin to skin moment they know security, love and warmth. What the baby knows is limited to what they experience. The connection between mother and child is a bond that can never be broken. Forgotten, yes, but not broken.

Unfortunately not all babies are born with kind touches and gentle kisses. There are thousands of orphans who never have hadthat first connection with their mother. There are countless children who have had that first touch but thru circumstances have lost that connection. They lose their sense of safety around other people. These children become untrusting and troublemakers. It's all they know. To them, a touch is never gentle nor kind, but is manipulative and cruel. We blame them for something that they themselves alone cannot control, and turn around to blame the parents even they, too, never had the first connection with their mothers.

Today I learned about using our five senses to calm ourselves when in distress. For sight, hearing, taste and smell I did ok with coming up with ideas of how to use them. But touch. I struggled with. I have extremly sensitive hands. I believe it comes from years of working on art and using them to feel what I'm doing more than using my sight. I'm rough on my hands. My nails and cuticles are always damaged no matter what I do.But that doesn't keep me from using them. I started thinking about the things I touch on a daily basis. My face, my cat, my doorknob, my blanket etc. I can catalog every sensation that my fingers experience. But I struggle with receiving touches from other people. I accept hugs rarely and only if the person is someone I trust. I startle easy when someone touches my shoulder or arm especially if I didn't know they were behind me. There are certain people I keep a few feet distance from at all times. But at the same time, though i fear touch, I find myself craving it. Wanting to hold hands with someone I trust and love. Getting that kiss on the forehead or a short hug from someone I care about.

The thing is....there are so many people out there feeling the same way as I do. Wanting connection but fearing it as well. How do we fix this? By building trust with people. Communicating and listening to each other. The world needs more kindness and grace.

I'm not about to go hugging everyone I see, but I will change how I view others. They're just like me. 

Heavy Heart

I'm snuggled up on my bed with the bedspread wrapped around me. Today has been a busy day with appointments and errands and cleaning the apartment. My back and neck are sore from it all but I feel glad that I accomplished so much today.

Inspite of that, I find my mind wandering to things I don't normally think of often. My heart is heavy. Weighted down with grief today.

You see, I lost two good friends this summer. One died after struggling with terminal illness and the other commited suicide. Both were far to young to die. And although it has been months since they passed, there have been days when I am struck by a memory of them and it's like losing them all over again. The grief runs it's cycles.

But the hardest part? Knowing that there was nothing I could do to help them.I couldn't heal them. Oh and I prayed for healing for them. Physically and mentally. And even though you could say that God didn't answer, I believe that He did; just not in the way I expected. My terminally ill friend is now pain free and whole. My friend who committed suicide is finally at peace. I have to believe that the option to let them pass was God's way of extending mercy and grace towards them.

There are a lot of people who under a misconception believe that those who commit suicide go atraight to hell. There are people who believe that if you have a mental illness that you aren't trusting God; that it's all in your head.

Here are a few things that various people have said to me...
"You just need to pray more."
"Surrender is key."
"Quit faking it. You're just acting this way to get attention."
"Have you taken your meds today, cause you act like you haven't."
"God doesn't forgive those who commit suicide because its murder."
"You don't look like you are disabled."

What those people don't understand is that those comments hurt more than help. They can be said by your dearest friend and suddenly you don't want anything to do with your friend. Or you have a choice to take it with a gain of salt and focus through it.

Here's what most people don't know about those with mental illness; we actually tell ourselves the same kind of lies.

"I did it again. I'm so stupid, I'm not ever going to get better."
"We don't want anyone with mental illness because they're unreliable"

And so on....

My point is that you have no idea what kind of struggle someone is battling through. So keep that in mind.

My friends are at peace.

Contemplation

I've been kind of quiet lately. Not had much to say. Until now.
A lot of thinking going on. A lot of processing and resting.

It takes time to take care of yourself. Your well-being.Your health; physical, mental and spiritual. It's not a perfect science or method. You just love yourself in whatever way suits you the best.

For me, loving myself means making sure I eat, bathe, sleep/rest and make it to my appointments. Simple. Yet why do I still feel so mixed up?

It has been said that time flies when your having fun. The opposite is that when your not having fun time goes slowly. Sometimes we need that slowness even though it annoys us. I've been so busy lately that I have forgotten how to stop and take the time to just be. To be me.

This past week has gone by both fast and slow. Mostly fast with moments of slow thrown in. And even though it has been fast I've still had time to reflect on my thoughts and emotions. I feel trapped with a mental illness that I can't control. I feel sad at the recent end of a friendship. I feel content in where I am living.I feel physical pain in my back from a degenerative disc. But mostly I feel like I'm not myself these days.

Expectations. What do I expect of myself? Of others? Of God?

I go thru life with a lot of expectations for various reasons. And when they aren't met, I fall apart. It's partially the borderline personality disorder but mostly just because I'm human.

I expect myself to always do the right thing. To be honest with myself and live in such a way that good comes from my living.

I expect others to always understand me. To not judge and to love/like me for who I am and who I'm not.

Pretty big expectations that neither I nor others can live up to perfectly. And when I get dissapointed that those expectations aren't met, I start doubting everything. What I believe. What others think of me. What I think of me. What God thinks of me. The biggest expectation is the one I put on God.
I expect God to "magically" answer every prayer prayed. That sounds ridiculous now that I wrote it. But it's true. Sometimes I fall into the trap of acting like God is a magical genie who will give me everything I want. That if I am good and I ask the right way He will answer the way I want Him to answer.

But the truth is simple. God can do whatever He wants to do. There isn't a magical formula to get prayers answered. He will answer Yes. No. Or Not now. It's hard to wait on God. Hard to accept when His answer isn't what we expect.

There is so much confusion around what Christianity is and is not. I meet people every day who have been hurt by the church members and/or church beliefs. I'm not even going to try to address those issues except to say that God moves in mysterious ways that we may never truly understand. It's all about two things.

Faith. In God. In people. In yourself.

And trust.

Do I trust that no matter where my life leads me that there are constant truths that are to guide me? What do I believe? That's a question for another post.

In conclusion, I find myself evaluating my actions, my words and most of the time all insee are flaws. But today I see a girl who has questions just like everyone else. I'm no different than anyone I meet. And that's ok.