broken heart

The heart, once broken, is difficult to mend. A broken heart becomes a heart of strength. It can endure much because it has already weathered much. A broken heart is, essentially, the essence of a brave soul.

thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. Giving thanks. A day where we celebrate the blessings that we have no matter how small. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday by far. Not just for the food, but for the fellowship that we share with one another. Thanksgiving isn't about the turkey and stuffing. It isn't about pumpkin pie and whipped cream. Thanksgiving is about family and friends. Being grateful for the things in our lives that have lifted us up and showed us that we aren't alone.
I am thankful for many things. Almost too much to list, but the top one is, that I'm thankful for the support people in my life who have helped me become who I am today.
And that is the most precious thing to me.

paperwork and moving

I'm in the process of applying for a bigger apartment and it has been anxiety filled! There has been so much paperwork, I never imagined it to be this hard and drawn out. I am beginning to see more and more how my worldview is not very knowledgeable. I'm learning things now that I should've already experienced. For instance, taking an animal to a vet. Or at least going in to make the appointment. There was paperwork involved there too. Or buying meat at a grocery store. I've bought hamburger before, and sausage, but to buy the roast I wanted, I had to stop and think about it. And I even asked a cashier how to cook a roast in a crock pot. No paperwork needed.
Then there are the endless things that I keep thinking about needing for this new apartment. I have to remind myself that I don't and can't get it all at once, but in chunks. My apartment will look pretty void of furniture. But that's OK. I am excited for this new chapter of my life. Having a full apartment and not an efficiency, will be a treat. Having a sink and a bathtub and a living room and a kitchen will be like heaven on earth to me. And yet, I do have to admit that I am thankful for the place I've been staying the last 2 years. It came to me as emergency housing and has been a place if refuge for me.
The more I sit here writing this post, the more I realize that people and things will always come and go in my life. Jobs and living arrangements are never permanent, as much as we like to think they are. And at the end of the day, the only thing that remains is the answer to this questions,

Was I grateful for the blessings?
Did I love with all of my being everyone who crossed paths with me?
Did I choose to do good and run from evil?
Did I allow myself to grow emotionally and spiritually today?
Did I care for myself by meeting my needs, evaluating my wants and surrendering all?

Those are the questions that are on my mind right now. I have to admit that I don't get it right every time. I mess up. But that's OK. There's always grace. More on that later...

dissociation

Dissociation is the worst defense mechanism; your brain is like “existing here in the real world is getting kinda difficult so how about you chill out here in the void instead.. oh is this an inopportune time? Are you in the middle of a conversation? Taking a test? Yeah? Ok great welcome to the v o i d”
- Comment on Borderline Personality Disorder and Beyond

This sums up the dissociation perfectly. The way that we can leave reality and exist in a void, where we can't be touched, we are in a place where safety is perceived but maybe not real. But it doesn't matter because in the void we are untouchable. Dissociation has a way of ruining relationships, destroying jobs, and ostracizing those of us who suffer from it. It's almost as if we live in a separate reality from the world. We think we're untouchable. We think that we're alone. We think that will always be this way and will always dissociate. But that's not true. There is hope. We are simply human, who happen to struggle with something much bigger than ourselves. But that makes us strong. To fight, and to live, and to keep going are the things that push us beyond our ability. The void that has been our safety, our refuge, and are way of processing the world around us, becomes unusual and unfamiliar to us as we learn to live in reality. Accepting things as they come, and believing that things can change is the only way that we can look at this world and live. We can get consumed by our fears and concerns, but that's not the way that we can live away that is wholesome and beautiful. It all comes down to choices. Even though most of the time we don't realize that we are dissociating, that doesn't give us an excuse to stay there. We don't have to stay in the void. We don't have to miss events in our lives or relationships that we have. We don't have to stay stuck in place that keeps us from moving forward. It's as simple as this, when you realize that you have dissociated, take the time to ground yourself by using your five senses. Taste, touch, sight, hearing, smelling, all are ways that can ground us to reality. It only takes a few minutes to use the five senses to get a grasp on reality and to leave the void. What do you have to lose? I struggle with dissociation. And it wreaks havoc on my life. But I'm not about to sit back and let it. I'm not going to allow it to control my life. That's why every time I realize that I'm dissociating, which is not all the time, but the moments that I do I lean towards using my senses to remind myself where I am and who I am. It's not easy. It's often full of tears. But I can guarantee but as I struggle in the end, I will be stronger.

unanswered questions

There will always be things that happen in our lives that we will not understand. I can think of many questions that, although people have tried to answer them, they remain a mystery. Those questions seem to always be the difficult questions that on one hand no one wants to answer and on the other people are desperate to have answers.

Questions like:

-Why do bad things happen to good people?
-Why did so and so do that and hurt me?
-Why do we have to die or why did our loved one doe so young or unexpectedly?
-Where was God when bad things happened to me, to a loved one?
-Why doesn't/didn't God heal me or my loved one?

I could go on, but you get the picture. Those are some powerful questions that have the potential to shape who we are and what we believe.

Part of being human is curiosity. We constantly want to know the how, why and what of things. God created us that way. To want to learn, to explore to go beyond the human limits. Change is inevitable. God is constant. We may never know the answers to those questions. I'm not even going to try to answer them because God is the one who has all the answers.
But I do want to say this, whatever happens in our lives, good or bad, if we keep our minds and hearts open to the unexplainable and unpredictable of God, then we can learn to accept, even a little bit, that in the end, God was there. He heard us. He didn't turn away from our suffering. He mourned with us, laughed with us, and was with us thru it all. How do I know this? Because I've experienced it. I've read about who God is in the Bible. I've cried and prayed and prayed and accepted unanswered prayers and broken heartedness. I've seen miracles happen to other people but not to me or my loved ones. I've seen death and the pain that it causes. I've seen how in the very moment when I needed someone to be there for me, I encountered God.
I still have doubts and fears. I still question God and His motives. I still hurt over family I have lost I still cry at night praying that God would draw near to me. I wouldn't be human if I didn't do those things.. Satan likes to give us am illusion that we are in control, not God. Satan likes to cause hatred and fear to be our companions instead of love and courage. We have a choice to make. Do we accept love and move forward in courage or do we sit down in hate and fear until that's all we have left? It's a daily choice we all have to make. I want to choose well.