Kitchen Chaos

I grew up with my mom's pristine and cheerful kitchen. Everything has its place. You wanted a mixing bowl, they were right where the mixing bowls go. You want a spoon or a kitchen do-hickey? Check the utensil drawer. Mom would whip up hearty meals and snacks but I never saw her kitchen unclean. She did and still does the dishes every day. She made sure the counters are cleared except for the pile of mail. Mom's kitchen was a place of light and fun. And some of  heartache, but most of my cherished memories are in mom's kitchen.

But.....I avoid my kitchen like the plague. I hate being in there. I dislike the way it is organized even though I organized it myself. But the thing I dislike the most is that I can't seem to be able to motivate myself to keep it clean. Doing dishes daily is a chore and who needs to put dishes away when you're just going to use them again? Trash is a big one for me too. Half the time the stuff ends up in bags thr other half its just sitting there. I got fed up with myself this afternoon and started putting dishes away which lead to clearing the counters then organizing the pantry and then sorting out the cupboards and on and on until I stopped to catch my breath and I realize I just had a manic attack. And my kitchen looks like this now. (See picture)

This isn't my first apartment. My first apartment was a one bedroom and bath, no kitchen or hallway. I had to use a steamer, a microwave and/or a crock pot to cook. I did all my dishes in the shower. Lol. My fridge was too small even for a gallon or half gallon of milk. So I bought it by the quart. Living like that taught me to be grateful for every living space that I had. It also taught me to miss a real kitchen. So I'm conflicted. As I write this I keep hearing the words "be kind to yourself". And I remember that life isn't about having clean kitchens but its about the process it takes you to get the kitchen clean. So I have to ask myself "what am I supposed to learn from this?" I still don't have the energy to clean it tonight but then, there's always tomorrow.

Trust and depression

My story is long but I'll try to keep it short.
I streuggle with several mental illnesses every single day. I do not get a break or rest from the anxiety and stress this causes not to mention the other mental symptoms that I have.
Today I was going thru a box of office supplies and found 7 unused journals. Lol. And then 2 half used ones. To my surprise one of the half used journals was from January 2018 right after I got off the psych ward. I was there for 7 days. It was good for me but incredibly difficult to accept that this is my life right now. In and out of the psych ward. That was my 13th time of being hospitalized since 2013.
Anyways, I read what I wrote during that time and was surprised at the truth of what I was saying. I won't post it all here but one thing was "Trust is both blind faith and logical fact". How true.
I havent journaled since.
Me not journaling says A LOT. I have over 35 journals spanning 18 years. (I'm getting older - gasp!) So yeah, I just know that somehow in my mind I just gave up on journaling. It feels like I have nothing important to say.

My whole point of writing this is to ask for help. (Which isn't easy). I want ideas on how to get back into journaling. Prompts, quotes, encouraging pages whatever. I need community. I need you all.