Keeping It Real

In fear of being redundant or overly tragic, I don’t always share about the specifics of my daily dealings with mental illness. I am afraid that people would either get tired of hearing me talk about it or shun me for speaking out about a “silent illness” that is sorely misunderstood. I am afraid that if I shared what I really think and feel, I would simply be told that I am being melodramatic. 

But…

The TRUTH is that the struggles I face daily are just as important and valid as the next person’s struggles.

The REALITY is that I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder (aka Emotion Regulation Disorder), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Unspecified Dissociative Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The TRUTH is that these are just labels that explain my thoughts, emotions and behaviors. They don’t tell me who I am, or at least I try to not let them define me…

It has taken me five years and many tears to come to accept that I cannot change my diagnosis. It is what it is. There are ways to cope with it, but not a single way to beat it, save dying and getting that new body and mind God promises. But that realization doesn’t change anything other than the way that I look at my day to day struggle.

One of the ways that people often describe mental illness is as if you are wearing a “happy faced” mask over your “sad faced” countenance. I like that description, not because it shows that people with mental illness are masking their symptoms; and I can relate, but that the MASK CAN BE TAKEN OFF!! That is the hope, that one day; there will be no mask and no sad face.

So, today I am taking my “mask” off and showing the world, my world and those who are in my circles, that I am not defeated. I am not destroyed. I may struggle every minute of every day and night, but in the end, I will rise up and will be made whole.

What does this mean at a practical level? I mean, words are good and all, but where does the rubber meet the road?

It means that I am going to be more open with sharing how I am really thinking and feeling.

It means that I am going to be more open to talking about my past and the reasons why I have these diagnoses. (so, if you have questions, ask away)

It means that I am going to share with others the tools I have learned to get me where I am today.

It means that I am no longer going to lay down one my bed in defeat; but am going to use every coping skill, distraction skill, truth statement in my arsenal to keep going.

It means a change of thought, an hourly choice to say, I AM OK.

And then I think about you, all you wonderful people who have been supportive of me, and have watched me thru the years, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. You have prayed for me, listened to me, laughed and cried with me. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. And I am forever in your debt. Thank you.

#TIP  When dealing with pesky thoughts, keep your mind occupied. Read a book. Reading is one way to actively involve both the mind and heart. Find something that you enjoy and can learn from, while getting pulled into the story.