Real

I want what is real. I want what lasts. I don’t want to be distracted by things that don’t matter as much as eternity. I am jaded by this world and its shenanigans. I am numb to the pain around me; all I see is my tragedies. I can’t reach out to  help because I can’t even help myself, or so I tell myself. I am quiet when I want to scream. I live when I should die to self. I am so full of questions that I don’t know where to begin. That little bit of courage that I found is real. It calls me to open up and breathe in spite of the suffocation I am living. Where can I turn? Who do I call out to? A god who is blind, deaf, and dumb to the hard things of my life? I realize now that I made that god me. I fashioned its form out of my desperation and fear, hoping that it would mean I would belong to something, someone.  I feel as though I was cheated out of my life. I was told lies from birth and expected to just believe them. But I can’t anymore. I can’t look myself in the mirror and forget the hollowness in my eyes. I am the one caught between heaven and hell. Where do I go?

I am sitting here with my heart heavy and my eyes running with the unshed tears that I have held back so many times before. Nothing has changed. I still need a miracle. I still need peace. The lies surrounding me give me grief. They pester and bother me until I am back at the exact point I was a few minutes ago. I want what is real, not an illusion. Not smoke. I want something, someone who will be forever.  I want to wake up in the morning with a smile because I know I am loved. I want the beliefs that I believe to be true. IS there a God? Does He even CARE? And what does He want for my life? So many questions go unanswered. I sit here and wonder if I believe because I have encountered God or do I believe because I have just been taught that there is a God? DO I BELIEVE? DO I BELIEVE?

I realize that there are things in my life that cannot change unless He reaches out to me. What if He’s been standing with His arm outstretched and I have been knowingly blind? Do I get another chance? Can I change the way that my programed mind thinks? Can I take flight with my soul in His Truth?

I can’t see the sky right in this moment, but I imagine it to be blue and full of freedom. Jesus gives that freedom, some say. DO I BELIEVE? Oh how I want my eyes to be opened and my heart to receive the love that God professes. No strings attached, no manipulation, no holding back.  Love that covers every part of me until nothing of me remains. I want to die the death of self so that I can live the life of Him. But how? How do I let go of the past to embrace the future? Do I even need to let go? Do I really need to forget? I want to be able to remember without the onset of pain. I want to look back and say that I am stronger than back then. I want to be able to forgive in the blink of an eye. Will I ever learn?

I build an altar in my mind and lay it’s foundations with my sins and fears. I cement it together with the all of the tears that I have never cried and those that have been shed in desperation. I take my hopes and dreams and write them down placing the paper on top of the structure. I then take the final piece, my Self, the very essence of who I am and hold it out.  It is twisted and dark, crimson and broken.  It is sad and joy mixed with disappointment and pride and hope. I place my Self up on the top of the altar where it can be seen clearly as it is. Kneeling before the altar, my head falls down and I bow, broken. I stay there for minutes, hours, it doesn’t matter. My head says this is dumb, but my heart says it is worth it. There was nothing to see, nothing to hold onto, it is just me completely exposed. Completely humble. Completely desperate.

Then I felt it. A tiny breath of wind moves my hair as I knelt on the ground before the altar. I raise my head and see.  Light. The Light that blinds stretching from heaven, down onto my altar. I hold out my hand marveling at the purity of the Light. I pull my hand back and my hand still glows. Before I could say a word, let alone think, the burst of light explodes on the altar and burns brighter than a thousand suns. I cover my eyes in pain, but can’t help but keep looking at the Light. It beckons to me. It comforts me. I watch as my altar is consumed by the Light and then I feel it again, a swirling breeze that wraps its arms around me. I breathe in and feel Love envelope me. I am caught up in the whirlwind and am floating freely, unhindered, and untethered. Is this real? Is this truth? I don’t care anymore. All I want is to feel these feelings of wonder and hope. I want everything to pause while I bask in the Light and wind that surrounds me. I can’t think yet I am thinking clearer than ever before. I feel the pains still, but I see now that they serve a purpose to show me how to thrive. The wind sets me down gently and I look at where the altar stood. Nothing remained, not even ashes. The wind still swirls around me and I breathe deeply. There is the scent of joy and peace filling my nostrils. I feel the wind speak to me. It speaks of an everlasting covenant, I will never be alone anymore. It tells me that I am ok, that I am loved. I close my eyes and feel. Truly feel. The weight of the world is no longer there. The fear of inadequacy is no longer hanging on my back. Moving my arms and legs in a little dance I laugh out loud. The sound echoes deep inside of me. I cry. I cry in awe of this miracle that happened to me. Stepping into the Light, I feel the rays burning away the remains of my burdens. Insecurity, depression, perfectionism and doubt fall away into nothing. I look at my hands, they look the same, but my veins are golden. I look at the rest of me and see that the very core of who I am, my heart is pumping loudly, golden and bright. I have been completely transformed. I have been completely restored. The past no longer has a hold. The present no longer has me in fear’s grip. But the future, it looks like a tunnel with a Light at the end. Some people say that’s what death is like. Maybe so, but I want to live in this moment. I feel peace and kindness surround me, pulling me to the tunnel. I take one step then two, and then break into a run. I meet Jesus at the edge of the tunnel and He puts His arm around me just as I looked back. There is nothing there. Nothing to hold me back, nothing to tie me down. Jesus hugs me and looks into my eyes. I feel safe. I feel hope. I think of nothing but the present moment.  Jesus beckons me to step out of the tunnel. I knew what He wanted. I want the same thing. It is time for me to live life in the Light of His Love and Grace. It is time for me to go back to the world and bring others to the Light. I step out of the tunnel and into Life. I am now the Living Dead, for I died to my self and have been renewed. I have come thru the fire and have been filled with His Spirit. I have been made whole.