this brave girl: March 2018

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Thank you for reading this blog! It is so nice to be able to share with you my life's journey and thoughts! Please leave me a comment at the bottom of the page or use the Contact Form.

WARNING!! This blog does contain a few references to sexual and emotional abuse. It also contains references to death, dying, suicide and depression. Do not read if this is a problem for you.

Any posted photos of my own personal art are not to be copied or used in or on any other form of communication or promotion. The photos remain as my own personal property. Please respect that. If you would like to share any of the art work, please contact me and I will consider your request.

I appreciate you for reading and for following the above requests.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Crossroads

I've been sitting here list'ning to the rythem
And flow of the traffic at the crossroads
Been waitin' for my turn to make a decision
Which way am I goin'? Where do I turn?
Or should I keep goin' on this journey?
To get to you
To get to you
To get to you.....
To get to you

I've watched the cars passing as I sat contemplating.
Memories of our time together flow like the tides of the ocean
I'm too far in this journey to be forgetting, its upsetting

But I know....
I've got to get to you
Get to you
Get to you

The traffic is stopped up behind me
And I don't care

My hearts racing wild with fear
So I put my foot to the pedal,
My eyes are straight ahead
And I turn, turn, turn,
And run away from you
Away from you, away from you
I run away from you.....

Time stops my heart for the seconds it takes to realize
That we might have had a chance but you'd forgotten me
Now I'm on my way
To find the rainbow
Away from you, away from you
And I can't stay to wait for you, wait for you

You broke my heart before we even began. And I loved you so much I didn't care.
But now as I hold the broken peices,
I'm not whole, I'm not free, but I've got to be. I've got to be.
Now its your turn to cry and regret me
But I don't care
And its your turn to be lonely
And I don't care

Now I'm leaving on this journey
To find myself, where I've always been.
Right here. Right here. On this road to my future.
My tail light reflect on the memories of our past. And I'm not gonna look back anymore.
I know you'll be ok when you realize I'm gone
And we'll be stronger apart from each other
So don't give up on this life
Don't despair that all is lost
We'll make it thru
Make it thru make it thru
I wish you happiness
I wish you peace
I wish yoy joy and all that encompasses the path beneath your feet
I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I'll be okay
This journey never ends

Home

Home was in his arms
Home was taking care of mom
Home was tucking my nephew into bed
Home was watching TV with my sister
Home was fishing with dad
Home was cats
Home was tomato sandwiches
Home was watching the stars
Home was sugarland
Home was talking about books with aunt Mary
Home was hugs and forehead kisses
Home was sleeping in his bed while he slept on the couch
Home was sister days
Home was knowing they're proud of me
Home was my childhood
Home was tacos
Home was angel food cake
Home was laughter and tears
Home was Thanksgiving and christmas
Home was my brother
Home was grape soda
Home was day trips and history
Home was camping
Home was mom and dad fighting
Home was rock collecting
Home was swimming
Home was wildlife pets
Home was clean sheets and soft bedding
Home was getting up early to watch the sun rise
Home was Christmas morning anticipation
Home was new sleighs
Home was riding bikes
Home was getting new clothes
Home was college breaks
Home was books to read
Home was mom's plants.
Home was dad's mess
Home was niece and nephews
Home was family birthdays
Home was shared lives
Home was depending on one another
Home was weddings
Home was sewing
Home was climbing trees
Home was getting dirty outside
Home was homework and chores
Home was scary movies
Home was swimming
Home was holding his hand
Home was watching him sleep
Home was riding bikes
Home was snuggling with mom
Home was listening to coyotes
Home was campfires and marchmellows
How was playing dressup
Home was playing robocop
Home was tgif
Home was Dr. Quinn and star trek
Home was picking blackberries
Home was gardening
Home was rainy days and hot summer days
Home was writing poetry
Home was singing loudly to country music with him
Home was exploring and hiking
Home was long trips in the van
Home was playing Legos with my brother
Home was dad snoring
Home was learning to shoot a gun
Home was evergreen and carpet trampoline
Home was backuard golf cart racing
Home was thunderstorms
Home was reading rainbow
Home was sharing clothes with my sisters

Brokenness

Like Humpty Dumpty, I sat on a wall.
While in my grief, dire grief, I had a great fall.
Soon all the words of comfort from men
couldn't put me together again.
Only the One who has healing powers
could rain down on me His soothing showers.
This Son of God and this Son of Man
took my brokenness, just as I am.
Gathered me into His mighty embrace
and whispered His truth to me, face to face,
that in my brokenness, I may fall.
Yet, He will raise me back to the wall.
Humpty Dumpty may never be healed
but my name is forever sealed
upon the hands of the Son of Man;
because He has made me whole again.

I wrote this poem on a loose sheet of green paper back in May of '05. I dont remember what prompted me to write about Humpty Dumpty, but I do know that I was reading Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll at the time. Maybe I came across the part where Alice meets Humpty Dumpty and I was impressed upon to mention him in this poem.

Poem - Time

Slip away from the darkness
Step away from the pain
Whatever you do different,
don't do it the same
Because life is hard
and
Full of mistakes that grab your attention
No matter your apprehension

Time is not your own for the taking
Even as you are waking
From a slumber deep enough to hide the real you.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Just before the Storm

Bed time. It's such a fight sometimes to force myself to go to bed at a reasonable time. Either I want to go to bed way too early or I want to stay up too late. There's little middle ground. Then there's the fight of taking meds....
I am so tired of taking meds. I pop a handful every morning and every night and now I have a pill in the afternoon. Sigh. I guess this is what comes with living with mental illness. Or any illness really. The exhaustion. The pain. The constant feeling of helplessness. It gets old.
And as I write this, I struggle to find the positive. Where is God in all my chaos? Why did this happen to me? How will I live? What will I do?
I don't have the answers. I won't even try to answer the questions, but I have learned this:
God doesn't always answer in the storm when it is loud and raging. He often answers in the stillness before the storm. The breath of wind right before the clouds burst.
I don't have the answers. I won't even try to answer the questions, but I have learned this: God doesn't always answer in the storm when it is loud and raging. He often answers in the stillness before the storm. The breath of wind right before the clouds burst.
But I'm so focused on the coming storm that I don't hear His voice. It's easy to miss. He wants me to draw close to Him, to lean in and hear Him say, "it's going to be ok."
GOD HELP ME TO LISTEN TO YOUR STILL SMALL VOICE BEFORE THE STORM.

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about this girl

Welcome to my Blog!

I am so glad that you are taking the time to read this blog. I write it because I need to have an outlet to the thoughts that rattle around in my brain. And I write it because I believe we can learn from each other's stories and experiences.

It is not my purpose to slam anyone or spread negativity, so read on with a grain of salt and remember that you are loved very much.

A little about me:

I am in my thirties, live on my own with my solid black cat, Larry. I am a self-taught artist and I love to share my art with others. Art, for me, is a way of dealing with all of life's complexities and I believe that everyone is an artist whether they know it or not. I love taking care of plants and animals. I like Wild Cherry Pepsi and my favorite color is purple. So, now that you know those things, that means we're more than acquaintances. ;)

A bit more about me:

I struggle with mental illness. I was first diagnosed in 2008, with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Dyslexia, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But I did nothing about it until after a mental breakdown where I was hospitalized in 2014 for a week. That was an awakening experience for me. Now, a few years later, thru therapy and medication and several more hospital stays; I was eventually diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Unspecified Dissociative Disorder. Through all of that, I can truly say that I am on the road to recovery.

It's been my version of hell. I kid you not. Only those who dare to be brave, if even for just a moment, can overcome the day to day battle of living with a mental illness. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is not for weak people. Add all the other disorders and my life is no gentle drive through the country. It's more like a Nascar race on the freeway and I keep losing control of the car. Yeah. That bad.

But there are the good moments too. When I can embrace who I am and life becomes an experience rather than an observation.

I made this blog as a way for me to process and accept the ups and downs of my disorders. If I never am fully free of them, I at least want to experience some sort of peace even if only for a short time.

Who am I?

Some days I don't even know. Some days I do. Some days I just have to tell myself who I am just so I can get thru the day. Most of the time, this brave girl is still figuring it out.

this brave girl