true reality

I wanted to share this morning something that's in my heart right now. We often wish for life to go smoother than it really does; we get caught up in the "living in the now" mentality. We lose touch with the reality God intends for us to live in. Kingdom of God reality. Having the mindset of Jesus Christ. We lose the real reason for living.
Time goes by and our "laters" become "right nows". Promises we made to others demand to be fulfilled. And time still marches on without a care for careful planning.
What would it be like to see the truth behind every person's story? What would it take for us to give more than we take and not complain? Who would we run to if we didn't have God as our All in All? And would we be willing to put someone else first?
In all the centuries that have come and gone, mankind has not changed all that much. There's still poverty and sickness. There's still abuse and cheating. There's still hate and war. But there's also friendship and hope. People who seek to live in peace with others and people who go the extra mile for their neighbor. Nothing has changed in the world's history and yet everything has changed. We can look back and see out triumphs and mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them. Hopefully we seek out ways that we can become more loving. Our true reality isn't just pain and sorrow, neither is it joy and prosperity. Our reality is found somewhere in the in between, in the very center of what it is to be a created being. We are full or purpose and passion. God created us unique and yet each sharing similarities. When you look at someone, I mean really, really look at them; look past their appearance, beyond their voice, and find the true person that is waiting to be discovered. That is what it means to be known fully and loved anyways.
I look at my life rather judgmentaly. A memory is either good or bad. I do either good or bad things. My words are either good or bad. Even my thoughts of God are judged. It's like I am compelled to put a stamp of approval or disproval on everything about me and when I am ashamed and disapprove, how easily I condemn myself! Part of that comes from living with Borderline Personality Disorder and the black/white thinking I cam tend to have. No grey areas. But that's not God's design. There's always a middle ground. We've been conditioned to believe that when it comes to life, there are no grey areas unless they are positive ones. If they tip towards the negative, then they are "bad". What if that's incorrect thinking? What if we're given a choice to find the middle ground and simply acknowledge them and then let them go? If I were given a choice, I know I'd choose to erase all the bad memories so I don't ever have to deal with them again. But here's my thought, what if those bad things that happened to me happened not because God didn't stop them, not because God allowed them, not because I deserved or didn't deserve them, but rather they just happened because we live in a fallen world that is full or sin and sorrow. What if those very horrible things that happened to me could be reconciled by knowing that they shaped who I am today? I didn't lay down and give up. I fought for the ground I'm standing on right now. And I can look back and say to those bad things, "you have not defeated me".
I think that reality is the most important one to hold on to. I am not defeated.

i'm done with being a victim

I'm done with being a victim.

Those are powerful words that punch a good wallop to my whole being.

A victim is most likely, a person who is defensive, indecisive, unsure of their identity; but need  others to give them identity. A person who may be loud or quiet while inside they are falling apart. A person who would rather hurt themselves for the sake of others, to keep from hurting someone like they've been hurt. A person with a superb sense of empathy and the compulsion or impulse to act as an avenging advocate. A person with low self esteem, sometimes masked by popularity or extrovert tendencies. A person who might believe that they'll always be a victim. A person who might be a bully, because in expressing anger or dominance, they can hide their pain from the world. A person  who won't stand up for themselves but don't ever mess with anyone close to them cause they'll fight for the other's wellbeing. A person who, when asked if they have had trauma in their lives, most likely would deny it because to a person who is a victim, they think they've deserved it somehow. People with a victim belief system aren't always recognizable from the outwards parts of themselves. A person who believes that they are a victim, and does not challenge that thought; will always remain a victim. Ouch.

Do I believe that I am worth so little that I simply accept the bad that happens to me? And go on with life wishing things would be different but never doing anything about it? It feels like I try and try but never get away from what has been wrongly done to me. It invades my sleep through nightmares, invades my waking hours thru flashbacks and memories. The trauma in my life that makes me a victim has more say in my life than I do. And that's wrong. What's worse is that I expect it to be that way every time. No exceptions. Something doesn't go my way, I'm a mess for days. Someone days something hurtful, intended or not, and I can't stop thinking about it. A memory becomes reality again, while reality becomes less real. My mom once told me, that I like to be the victim. That hurt. I think it hurt because part of it is true. Because if I'm not being victimized, then no one is paying attention to me or acknowledging my existence. To put it plainly, I have spent my entire life screaming, "I'm right here! I'm hurting! Save me!" and no one can hear me. So I let myself be victimized and let myself believe that everyone is out to hurt me.

I don't want to be a victim anymore.

Ways to not view or treat yourself as a victim:

1. Take time for YOU. Do something nice for yourself. Find something that you enjoy. Play a sport or paint your nails. You get the picture.
Taking care of yourself means meeting your emotional and physical needs.

2. Practice mindfulness. Be in the moment. Focus on one thing at a time. It's ok if you struggle to do this. I know I do. Just try for five minutes at a time.

3. Counteract negative thoughts by saying a positive thought for each negative one. Once you start this practice it gets easier. Having a good sense of self goes a long way towards living free from a victim mentality.

What about the trauma? Or the nightmares? Flashbacks?

4. Acceptance. Accept that you cannot change the past. Accept that you can change the now. Whenever I have a flashback,  and I realize it, I jump up and go do something else for five minutes. It resets your focus.

5. Find someone safe to talk to. Whether that be a counselor, teacher, friend or relative, having someone in your corner goes a long way.

And finally

6. Give yourseld grace. We all mess up. We all face failure. But our life doesn't end there. Try try again.

I'm still trying to figure this all out. But I'm trying and that's a start.

psalm 139 rewritten

"The Lord my God has searched me - He knows me, even to the point of knowing when I need to rest or take action. He knows my thoughts and the intentions of my heart. He knows where I have been and where I am going. He knows even the ways I will get to that place. He knows my thoughts and the intentions of my heart, knowing what I am going to say or do before I know!
His hand is guiding me, leading me. O how awesome is the Lord that He knows me that well! I cannot run from His presence, or hide from His love. There is no height or depth that He is not willing to go to find my heart. His hand still guides me. No darkness can cover me, no lie can destroy me, for He shines and darkness flees, for He finds me.
He made me, He created my complete physical and spiritual make-up and He delights in me. O how He loves me! I will praise His love! He is a wonderful Creator! My soul agrees with the beauty He has created in me. He saw me before anyone ever knew I was there in the secret of my mother's womb. He called me by my name, He called me into being and said I was fearfully and wonderfully made. He rejoices over every day of my life, waiting patiently for the day I will join Him in perfection - eternally His.
He thinks of me often, I cannot fully understand how much He thinks of me! He thinks of me when I am asleep and when I sleep, I sleep in His presence. When I wake up, I am still with Him! O that He would destroy and root out all that sets itself up against His love and truth in my life!
How I desire to be rooted in His truth and I desire to hate all the powers and principalities that seek to destroy His creation!
O God, know me! My heart longs to be searched and fully known like only You can know me. Test the intentions and motivations of my heart! Rebuke me when I am in sin and lead me into Your truth!"

Depression and it's effects

I cycle thru my depression. Sometimes I'm up high and energized, other times I'm low.

I never know which one it will be at any given moment.

I've been so silent these last several months. That's why I haven't blogged. You've heard the saying,  "If you have nothing good to say then say nothing at all." There you have it. My excuse for not writing.

I admit that the depression has been kicking my butt lately. Negativity and it's cousin, apathy are making it hard to function.
But here I am again. Still depressed. Still anxious. But this time I'm fighting back.

A few changes since I blogged last:

* quit my job due to the level of anxiety I was experiencing and work was not helping.
* started hypnotherapy
* car broke down and I had to get it fixed. Talk about anxiety!

What makes the difference between depression that debilitates and depression that is empowering?

I think that the debilitating depression is like a leech. It.sucks the very life out of you. I want to do nothing,  say nothing,  be nothing.

Empowering depression is the kind that pushes me to move forward. To stay one step ahead of the negativity. To fight and sometimes lose, sometimes win.

There are common depression symptoms. But everyone experiences them differently. I am no exception.

Depression is a force to be reaconed with. But then again, so am I.

the power of hope

I woke up early this morning in effort to get ready to go to work. I confess that work isn't my favorite thing of my day but it gives me the sense of security and consistency that I need. That's the way of life. We do the things we don't like to do in order to do the things we do like to do. Having something to look forward to is important.
Hope gives us something to look forward to, dream about and work towards.
I was thinking about the impact that hope has on us and the more I look, the more that I see that it isn't about the striving or planning, but it's about believing. Yep. Faith. Faith in something bigger than ourselves. Faith in the midst of doubt. Hope give us the courage to face the giants in our lives. Hope brings joy where sorrow cannot go. Hope is the shadow of things past, things realized and things to come. Hope encompasses us when we let it seep into our souls.
I'm writing this as an encouragement to myself. And encouragement to others. If we can't hope, we can dream. If we can't dream, we can't believe. If we can't believe, then we are lost.
Today I have been excited about the possibility of having a new apartment. I'm on the cusp of change in my life and I look forward to it very much. It is hope that keeps me holding on to this dream of an apartment. It is hope that fuels my passion to succeed. The power of hope lies within us through our faith. Some would say that they don't have any faith. But the reality is that you have faith in something. Even if it's faith in the belief that you don't have faith.
So choose wisely. There's power in hope. But you have to have the faith to believe it.

little annoyances

As humans we tend to classify things as good or bad. You tell your child or animal that they're bad and praise them when they are good. Some things taste bad, others good. A book, movie or musician can be bad or good. Even our relationship with God. We often think of ourselves as bad or good, but that's not the whole truth. It all is interpreted  differently person to person. One of the things I've been struggling with is getting annoyed at people or things or situations. It keeps me from seeing the way annoyance unchecked has been harming my faith and my relationships. It's always easier to say "that annoys me" than to actually do something about it, if possible. I think of a child kicking the back of the front seat in the car. I think about someone talking during the movie. I think about how people sometimes are late. I think about realizing that none of those things are strong enough annoyances to warrant strong emotional response. The mom yells at the child who was kicking the seat. The movie watchers pass blame on the talker and end up rewinding the movie because they missed a part. When people are late it can cause scheduling errors and missed opportunities.
But why am I writing this?
There is more to life than being continually annoyed at everything and everyone.
It is our choice... What will we do with those minor annoyances?

determination to fight

I can and I will.

Words that push me beyond my limits. Most of the time anyway. I think of a 2 year old toddler's tenacity in insisting on having his or her way. It drives a parent to distraction when they come upon a force so deeply rooted in humanity that it reps it's raging head the moment a toddler screams. For hours. And you don't know how to make it stop. I'm not a parent, but I have babysat toddlers before and they can be so exhausting. The insecurity sets in and as parents you wonder what you are doing wrong good news. You aren't doing anything wrong. You've just came us against human nature that has been distorted since the Fall of mankind. The hard truth is, that we all have that same two year old inside of us, wanting to come out and play.
That's where we have a choice. Do we allow ourselves to be selfish and demanding or do we dare to take that attitude and turn it for good? How?
By saying that you can and you will. By using the stubborn attitude to fuel you as you live your daily life. Those things you've always wanted to do but haven't because other people have said you can't? Well, they're right there ready for you to say you can and you will.
A lot of people think that you can't dictate your will. But you can. For instance, I was laying in bed in tears because I didn't want to go to work. And the time on my clock kept getting closer and closer to the time I needed to leave and I had to tell myself that I can get out of bed and go to work and I will get out of bed and go to work. Why? Because it's good for me. Financially, relationaly, physically, and definitely mentally. Work is good. We were created with the ability to dream and make those dreams come true. I went to work. And I survived. And so I will go for as long as I can, saying I can and I will.

stronger than my diagnosis

I'm a little emotional right now and that's OK. Emotions are a part of what being human means. Emotions just are. They don't define me or control me. And today I'm emotional because I've been thinking about when I first reached out for help with my mental illness. Dates tend to be a little fuzzy for me because I remember life through the events and not the passing of time. I believe that it was February 2014 when I finally broke down and ceased to function. That landed me in the inpatient unit and from there, started me on this journey or recovery and acceptance. It isn't easy. It's painful at times. But the moments that are victories, no matter how small, are moments that make me feel like a new person with a new perspective on life.
Sometimes I stop and think,  "how did I get here?" and my answer always comes back to,  "one step at a time". That's the interesting thing about walking no matter which way you face as you walk, either backwards or forwards, you cannot look both directions at once unless you have tools like a mirror or a camera. But even then our perspective is warped.
In this world, the priority is to get ahead. Get ahead financially socially, industriously and physically. I believe that those are good things to pursue, but we go about it wrong. It becomes a selfish pursuit that leaves oneself alone and unfulfilled. Alone and unfulfilled. What a terrible state of being!
I remember when I was on the inpatient unit the first time, thinking, "now I've actually gone crazy" and "what am I going to do now?". It was one of those moments where you just tell yourself to breathe one more breath, walk or crawl one more step, and to never truly give up on hope. I've been back in that moment a few more times in the last two years of my recovery. There will always be defeats and victories. It's not about winning or losing. It's about what you do when you are defeated or victorious. I hope that I can simply keep my eyes open, embrace the process, and no matter what not lay down and give up. I want to be that voice to others that tells them,  "you are worth every battle won and stronger than every battle lost.". I want to be more than my diagnosis, more than a statistic. I want to be me. I want to be able to say every day, "I am stronger than my diagnosis.". And I want that for you, wherever you are.

pain

My worst enemy is pain. Especially migraine pain. It destroys my ability to think clearly enough that practicing wisemind is almost impossible.
I know that there are many people who live with worse and chronic pain, but one thought... Just like what they live through IA devastating to them, what I go through is devastating to me as well. There is no comparisons. I think that's one mistake that people make when they are trying to comfort others, is say that someone else has it worse. That just places guilt where it shouldn't be. I even catch myself doing the same thing to myself. Trying to lessen my pain by saying someone has it worse. Which is true, but my pain is my pain and theirs is theirs. Pain simply exists.
Now that I went off on a bunny trail, the reason why I am writing about pain is because pain is one thing that all humans have in common. From pain of stabbing your toe to birthing pain to the pain of death, everyone has their own story of how pain has impacted their lives on both physical and emotional levels.
Pain has a way of crippling us. Keeping us from doing the things we need or want to do. Keeps us from seeing the reality of situations. Pain is a formidable enemy that can only be endured until death. I believe that pain even continues beyond death for those who have rejected Jesus Christ and His death, resurrection and promise of return. Jesus lived His life for others, healing many and setting many free from demonic forces. Jesus lived a sinless life that led Him to be wrongly accused, mocked, hung in the cross where He died. He was laid to rest in a tomb and three days later, rose to life forever making it possible for us to be free from sin and punishment, and to live forever with Him.
We have a choice. Do we choose to believe in Jesus? Or do we not? Jesus didn't promise a pain free life here on earth but He did promise a pain free life in Him one day in Heaven.
I look forward to that day that I will be pain free. I want others to experience that as well.
In the meantime, the one thing I have left to do in my battle against pain is to push thru it. Fight thru it. Don't give in to it. Easier said than done. I've thrown in the towel many times. And you know what? That's OK. I can ONLY do my best. That's what life's about. Doing the best you can with whatever comes your way. That's the mentality I want to have.