anger

Anger is a tricky emotion. It can start out slow then explode or explode at random moments. For a person who can express their emotions properly, anger is easier to manage. To a person who has faced trauma or injustice, anger becomes stuffed away, but not getting rid of it. Or the anger manifests itself outwardly in that person's life.
I was the one who stuffed it. Now that I'm on my recovery journey this past 2 years, I am losing the ability to stuff my emotions. They express themselves in so many ways at random times, I don't always know what to think or do. Which is why I'm in recovery.
I don't want to go back to the emotionless zombie that I was before I sought out help. That person was lost and dying. Some days I still feel lost and dying.  But now I know that I have a choice. Stay in that state of being or chose to do something, anything to get out of that rut.
I'm not perfect. Never will I claim to  be. I am,aftdr all, learning lessons in life that were supposed to be taught to me when I was a child.

love without reservation

People think that they have figured out love. They define it and claim it to be the best and truest emotion of all. Reality is that we have only scratched the surface of the love emotion. We have separated it into various categories: a parent's love, a child's love, a lover's love, a familial love, a friendship love, the love of one human for another and so on. But none truly capture the whole essence of what love really is. Some say a chemical reaction while others say it's a gift from God. A person can love deeply and still not reach the true depths of the emotion until they love withholding nothing and without reservations. No hesitation, no calculating the risks, no explaining reasons why or why not. Simply love without boundaries. 

Jesus said that "Greater love has no one than this, but to lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Ouch. It causes me to think about what are the limitations that I place on loving someone else? And why is a friend easier to love than a stranger? What makes friends better than everyone else? It's our perception of relationship and love that dictate these things. 

When a person makes the conscious and subconscious choice to love someone, they are, in a sense, saying that that person is worth more than anything or anyone else. A sense of belonging arises and both the lover and the loved share their lives with each other. That's why relationships take work and time. You can't expect to continue loving without making the sacrifices. Often daily sacrifices of letting go of self and embracing concepts like us and we and our. Togetherness is the ultimate feeling we all desire. To belong. To be loved. To be accepted. 

To love without holding anything back is to completely give yourself to the ones you love. No excuses. No strings. No manipulation. Just love through action and words. Love given freely without any fear. 

As someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, love can sometimes be an elusive idea. You can tell me you love me, but until I experience that love in word and action, then those words hold no meaning. To love and be loved feels so unattainable to a person with Borderline that it seems completely hopeless. And we push people away whenever we start to feel or think that we aren't truly loved. It's a load of crap. Honestly. The more you push someone away the less opportunity you have to love and be loved. The lie that we are unlovavble is a parasite that devours us from the inside out it has be be removed. The only way to remove that thought pattern is to replace it with the truth.

Repeat after me,  I am loved. I am lovable. I deserve to be loved. 

Even if you don't believe it or feel it, those words are truth. It starts with you. Individually accepting that you are able to love and be loved paves the way for showing people those truths. We first have to love ourselves. It's not selfish to love and care for yourself. Our society says it's being selfish when you do things for yourself. It does depend on the spirit of why you do what you do if your intention is to be nice to yourself simply because you deserve to be loved, then you have a grasp on your worth. Self care or being nice to yourself is not selfish. For example, I am sick with a cold. Do I choose to not take care of myself and be miserable? No,  being nice to myself would be taking care of my needs while I'm sick. Or,  I am overwhelmed by my work. Do I just buckle up and take it? No, although I still get the work done  I also take small breaks andake sure I drink enough water. 

Taking care of yourself and being aware of your needs is a huge part of learning to love. You can't love other people unless you first love yourself. So will you choose to love withholding nothing and let yourself be loved? 

a life worthy of recognition

“Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity.”

― Lou Holtz

I want to live a life in such a way that after I'm gone people will say of me,  "she overcame". I want to be remembered as someone who lived well. I want people to remember me with kindness.

Isn't that what we all want? To not be forgotten when we're gone? To know that we left behind something worthwhile and that it will last beyond the grave? We want to leave a legacy.
When I think of my grandparents, I have mixed emotions. Part of me is proud of what they accomplished. My mom's parents ran a successful dairy farm. My dad's parents were well known for their evangelism.
The other part of me things of the little things. My mom's mom, when grandpa died, she took a job as a church secretary where she eventually retired. She became a fixture in the community due to her extensive interactions with the public at her job. My dad's dad worked for Jasper Engine and Transmission until his sudden death. Over 500 people attended his funeral, many of whom the family has never met but grandpa had impacted their lives in some way.
I look at my life and wonder what I will leave behind. Have I been a person of integrity and honor, someone others look up to? Or have I wasted my life?
It's not a black and white answer. It is both and yet one or the other. I look back at the years I spent in Christian ministry and see the faces of those who looked to me for support and encouragement, and I remember the struggle I faced to be that support for them. Leaving a legacy is letting go of parts of yourself so that there will be growth. You can't serve others if you're focused only on you. You can't expect people to respect you if you show yourself not worthy of respect.
It starts in our thoughts. How we view ourselves is often what fuels the way we see the world. We have the ability to change our thinking. We have the ability to love and forgive ourselves.
Life's trials come at us faster than we can process them. It often leaves us feeling lost, overwhelmed, confused, hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. It isn't how you manage your circumstances that matters the most. It's how you manage seeing your circumstances that matters. If you're constantly negative, you only see the negative. Words are powerful. Especially when they are spoken aloud.
We all have varying lengths of life, some only a few moments and then peace. Others a long life lived, lived well or not.
In the end, reality is that the majority of our legacy isn't in foundations or dedications. It isn't in what work we did or even words we said. Those things are important,  but our legacy lies within the way we view the world and whether we shared that positive outlook with others. If we can get a single person, man, woman or child, to look at the world around them in a different light, one that does good instead of harm, than that one person becomes our true legacy. It is up to them, in turn, keep the legacy going. Our job is to start the process.
I want that. I want to be a person that impacts even just one person. The question is... What am I willing to surrender to begin that legacy?

the candy man

When I was a little girl,  there was this older gentleman who would give candy to us kids at our church. He was a grandfatherly type and loved kids. He and his wife were long time members of our church. They've passed on now,  but today I was thinking of them. Especially the gentleman. I honestly don't know his real name, we just called him The Candy Man.
Every Sunday he would have a pocket full of candy to give to any child that would politely ask for a piece. Sometimes he didn't have candy, he would have breath mints or Halls lozenges. It didn't matter. We all adored him.
He made a pact with me. I was ten and still sacked my thumb quite a bit. He told me that if I would not suck my thumb at church he'd give me a piece of candy. My mom had tried many times to break me of that habit, but it was The Candy Man who got me to stop.
Looking back, in light of the abuse and trauma in my young life,  I see now that The Candy Man provided an unconditional love that I was craving. I realize now that a lot of the reason why I struggle socially and emotionally is due to the trauma and abuse. But I can look back and remember The Candy Man,  and know that I was loved.

faulty image

Sometimes we have an idea about ourselves that isn't exactly accurate and when it gets challenged we freaked out. The way that we react is out of fear and insecurities. But in all things true, when we have that idea of ourselves destroyed or knocked a bit, it reveals who we really are and we have an opportunity to either go back and live the lie we had been living or embrace who we are; as weak as we are, as strong as we are, and still live a life worth living.
You know the phrase "people aren't always who they seem", it's true. We all have parts of us that we hide. Doesn't matter what relationship we have with each other we always have one little part or a few parts that we hide. True bravery is unveiling those things. Being vulnerable and not letting the lies of insecurity and fear hold us back. We become better people. We become better friends, parents, children. And just for the small moment that our life is, the world is a better place because of our choices. I don't want to be in a position where I don't know who I am. And everyone around me knows who I am and either accepts or denies me. Their response isn't important. It is a part of the process of accepting who we are, accepting who they are and learning to live at peace with each other. But it isn't the most important. The most important thing is that we're honest with ourselves first. If we can't be honest with who we are to ourselves then how do we expect to explain to others who we are? We all are afraid. Lonely. Lost. And we want something that's bigger than ourselves because we know the faults that we have and the imperfections that are in us. And seeing those things in us we react out of those imperfections. I think about how at the end of a person's life the only thing that they have left is their breath, their heartbeat. Sometimes family is around sometimes just friends. But in that single moment where a person takes his last breath and steps into eternity, that last breath is the last of everything that person has.  Empty. Desolate. Alone. Those are words that could possibly describe that moment but in reality, the emptying ourselves out allows us to be filled. In recognizing our desolation we see God's healing and that we are never really truly alone. I don't know what beliefs you have of the afterlife or God, but I know that one thing is true God is God and He never changes. He never fails and never gives up. He never lies and he always always loves even in the midst of the pain. Jesus exemplified that in His life. He lived a life  tempted in all manners that a man could be tempted. Yet He was without sin. Every single choice that He made was holy and right. How do I believe that? I find that reading the New Testament of the Bible often gives as many answers as it does questions. There are always going to be things that we won't know the answers to. But our choice is to let go of our expectations, empty ourselves of anything that's holding ourselves back from being who we are and aren't. Letting Jesus come and sit with us on the bed as we lie dying gasping for air yet feeling Jesus's hand in ours seeing His smile and then finally stepping into eternity. But we don't get there on our own. We don't get Heaven on our own. We all have the same choice do we believe that Jesus is the Messiah the Christ the Savior of the world? And do we put our faith in Him and His words and invite Him to take over those empty places inside of us? Or do we turn our backs, go our own way, continue to hide, never truly live and hate ourselves for it. It's that simple. Believe or don't believe. I made that choice years ago to believe that Jesus Christ saved me and He rose from the dead after He took my sins upon the cross. He sits right now at the right hand of the Father God waiting for the day that I will step that one last step into eternity, one breath away. But until then I will keep trying  and I will learn to stop hiding from myself some others and most importantly from God. I want to be empty of myself of my fears, my insecurities and faults. And be filled with the Holy Spirit of God, His love,  His kindness, hHis unrelenting desire to set me free. Am I willing? Yes. Are you willing? To let go of the idea of who you think you are and embrace the reality that you were lost without Jesus in your life. Not a magic spell. It's not always going to happen the way you want it to happen but the moment that you choose to believe seals your fate forever.
It's  not going g to be easy. Nothing truly worth it is easy. But in the end, when the only thing you have left to give is that one last breath before you step into eternity, that is when it matters the most.

I can't believe that He,
would die a death for me;
Up on the cross laid all my sins for all eternity.

brain scans of a person with borderline personality disorder

I came across this study of what a person with borderline's brain looks like compared to a person without borderline. It's fascinating to know that having  borderline isn't just a theory or unexplainable diagnosis. Borderline Personality Disorder is a real dysfunction of the human brain and should be thought of as it would be to have cancer or diabetes.

It also helped me to remember that having borderline isn't my fault. It is both physical malfunctions and environmental reactions in a person's life. Two people can grow up with borderline but the causes of borderline will slightly differ circumstanually from each other. The main traits of borderline are the same, but not necessarily the cause.

It's fascinating to me because knowing that borderline isn't just a disorder that's ambiguous, but it it an understandable condition. And that gives me hope. Hope that one day, I will be able to function and live unhindered by my diagnosis. Read the article. It might change your thoughts about Borderline Personality Disorder.

http://healthcure.pw/brain-scans-clarify-borderline-personality-disorder-2/

the definition of my art

My artwork are like messengers, sent out with love, to those who need them.
Those are the people who  connect deeply with a piece of my work and are changed or encouraged because of it.

My art reflects principles of truth and hope to hold on to and live by.

My art is playful and versatile, made for all ages. It is created to connect all generations thru the use of old and new materials.

My art assaults the senses causing the observer to react immediately to the artwork.

My art is non judgmental. If you don't like it, that's OK. If you have a suggestion, that's OK too.

My art is not racial. We are all equal in God's eyes.

My art is not directly political. If you find a political meaning in my art, it was not intended to be interpreted that way unless indicated in the art's description.

My artwork is created to reflect our Creator God, who made all things.

I believe that God,  the Father, sent His only Son,  Jesus, to earth to teach and show us how we are to live; and ultimately Jesus came to suffer and die for all of our sins and the sins committed against us so that we can be free from punishment for our sins. He rose again to life after three days in the grave and now sits at the right hand of the Father God. Jesus teaches us forgiveness and the true meaning of love thru the way He lived His life on earth and through His suffering on the cross.

It's a wonderful true story you can read. Simply find a Bible, and start reading the Gospel of John.

If you do not have access to a Bible, here are a few ways to find one.

- Salvation Army stores give out free Bibles. Many other Thrift stores give them away as well.
- find a church and either ask for one or if you can borrow a Bible.
If that is too intimidating,  that's OK.
- if you have an android smartphone you can download the free Bible app called You Version  (that's one I use.)
If you have a question about what version to get,  stick a
With New King James Version, New International Version,  English Standard Version. Those are the ones I think help the best to understand what it says.
- Many Christian radio  stations give away Bibles. Just contact them to find out more.
- Visit the local library and check a Bible out. That's a free way to read one.

If none of those work for you,  send me a message with your mailing address and I will get a Bible to you.

What I do with my art is important to me because it is an avenue that I can freely express my heart thru. There usually is a lot of emotion and sweat put into each piece, but with the knowledge that it may not turn out the way I think and it surprise me. 

If there is any piece of art that is posted on this blog that you are interested in purchasing,please contact me and we'll make a way for that. 

If you are out there struggling to find what your art means or is defined by,  don't give up. It took me over 10 years to realize what I've shared. Take each moment as they come and don't let fear keep you from success.