emotions

I'm extra sensitive tonight. May be from being a girl. May be from missing my family. May be from longing for things I can't have. May be from my broken heart. May be a combination of things. The truth is that my heart is heavy tonight. And it's ok to feel these emotions. It's ok to feel lonely and sad. It's on to wonder if I'll ever find the happiness of a family if my own. It's ok to long for the relationship that will never again be. It's ok.

I've spent too many years of my life denying myself the privilege of showing emotions. I stuffed them deep down in myself where they were locked away. Now that I am learning that emotions are neither good or bad, and can be acceptable to feel. Sometimes I still feel so numb, that I'll never feel again. Sometimes I feel so intensely it's like having 3rd degree burns all over my body.
One thing I am learning is that to feel is to truly be alive.

In that case, I want to truly live every day.

you aren't leaving me

It's started off sunny,
My perfect day
But the storm came on storming
Turning my life to grey

Everyone had somewhere to be
But now I'm here sitting
Waiting patiently
For the time to pass
And with every gasp I say,

I remember you
You were the who gave me life
And I know that's it's true
You're the one always by my side
You aren't leaving
You aren't leaving
Oh
You aren't leaving
You aren't leaving
Me

I don't really know how
You came to be
Living inside the heart of me
But I know that you are here to stay and I will trust your words even as you say

I remember you
You are the one I love
Everlasting I will I be by your side faithfully

emotion chip

I can relate to Data on Star Trek when he gets his emotion chip. Prior to the placement of the chip Data is all logic and unable to understand or feel human emotions. When he gets the chip he starts off feeling the simple emotions like happiness or kindness. He is able to operate on both logic and emotion at the same time. But when he starts to feel strong emotions like anger and fear he loses all sense of logic and solely acts solely on emotion. This puts the crew of Star Trek in danger until they finally were able to remove the chip. Data had to have the chip remodified so he could turn it off and on as needed, while learning to balance the emotional urges and logical thoughts.

Sounds like practicing Wisemind.

Wisemind is balancing facts and emotions by finding the middle ground.
It is a normal human function to operate mostly from Wisemind thinking. However, people with Borderline Personality Disorder, that part of them is unbalanced. I'm not talking about a chemical unbalance often related to Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder. That's a topic for another day.
Wisemind simply is taking the facts of a situation or thought and allowing one's self to feel the emotions at the same time. It isn't easy to do if you have Borderline, but it is doable. It has to be something that a person practices many times a day. Honestly, I struggle with practicing Wisemind. Most of the time I either forget to practice it, or I'm too far over on one side or the other that it takes me a long time to get balanced. But it is worth it. Anything that makes living with Borderline easier is worth it as long as it isn't harmful to one's self.

the truth of how i survived

You survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere, and milking it, relishing it, for all it was worth. And as you grew up, you sought love, anywhere you could find it, whether it was a teacher or a coach or a friend or a friend's parents. You sought those tiny droplets of love, basking in them when you found them. They sustained you. For all these years, you've lived under the illusion that somehow, you made it because you were tough enough to overpower the abuse, the hatred, the hard knocks of life. But really you made it because love is so powerful that tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst things life can dish out. Toughness was a faulty coping mechanism you devised to get by. But, in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefulness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That is what has gotten you by.

Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

my sister's cat

I remember one night when I was in high school, my sister called me around 10pm. She and her friend lived in an apartment about a mile away from our parent's house where I was living. My sister was frantic. Her cat had gotten outside and when they finally caught him he had a twiglike something about an inch long having out one of his nostrils. I told her that I'd be down there right away. I woke our mom up and had her drive me over to their apartment. When I got there,  my sister was in tears and the cat was just sitting there like nothing happened. It freaked me out when I saw the twiglike something in his nostril but I knew if I panicked, then my sister would too. So I grabbed the cat and tried to examine him,  looking for blood or any other visible signs of trauma. The cat just purred and kept trying to curl up in my lap. Obviously he wasn't worried about the thing in his nose. My sister wanted me to pull it out but I had reservations about that. What if it's longer than it looks? What if it has a crook in it and tears his nose up? Going to the vet wasn't an option because our vet is a country vet who lives 30 miles away. With it being late at night and my sister's budget couldn't afford the vet,  we opted to do what we could. Right when I decided that the thing to do was to slowly pull  the object out from his nose,  the cat sneezed. The twiglike something was gone! We looked and looked for it all over the floor and never found it. Meanwhile,  the cat just went to sleep as if nothing happened.
My sister was relieved and so was I.

everyone has their part to play

"There is a degree of humility that a leader needs to understand and come to the point of knowing deeply, that the completion of the vision has to involve everyone they are leading. Not a single one left behind." - a quote by me, from an old paper of mine while I was in college.

I didn't know I could sound so smart. Haha. But really,  I remember the papers I wrote in college and the tests taken but the thing I took away from my education is that I can do anything if I put my time and energy into it. The passion will follow.
I'm a passionate person. I feel things deeply and for long periods of time. Try to convince me that my way of thinking is wrong and you'll find yourself backed into a corner questioning your own thinking.
I don't intend to intimidate. I try to be kind in what I say to others but sometimes my passion for a topic can come out of me very forceful.

I never thought of myself as a leader. I have been, in different times of my life, been in a position of leadership. It was more a humbling experience than I expected. There were both triumphs and let downs. But at the end of each day I was usually left with the same thoughts
"How do I lead in such a way that others want to follow me? And how do I show humility while doing so?"
Sometdays the questions were more insistent and other days I wouldn't think of them at all.
You see, people really are like donkeys. They won't be led where they don't want to go. They have to catch the vision an make it their own in order to truly commit to it. There will always be those who oppose, so don't worry about them. Focus on those who get it. And make sure they learn how to live put the vision.
Contrary to what today's society says, humans are not intended to be individuals on the same plane of life. We need community. We crave connection. With programs like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and other blogs, people can interact in more ways than prior generations connected.
At the end of each day there is a longing in us, telling us who we are by the way we interacted with people. But the truth is, we aren't defined by our interactions, we just simply are learning, like a baby crawling the walking.
When I think of leadership and what it means to be a leader, I think of a well oiled machine. Each part is oiled and has its own role to play in the function of the machine. Of one gets out of whack, it affects the whole machine. We are that machine pursuing a vision bigger than us. Every person is needed, from the strongest to the weakest. It's the strong that help the weak and the weak that keep the strong humble.
If a leader doesn't recognize the potential of each person involved, then he is essentially saying that the machine doesn't need all of its parts. Which leads to frustration and uselessness as the machine cannot operate without all of its parts working. Being weak of strong have no significance other than they work together. We all are, weak at times and strong at times.
So next time that you interact with someone, whether via internet or phone or face to face, remember that we all are needed to make this world a better functioning place to exist. It's our responsibility and our inheritance.

fat people need love too

I'm fat. No mincing words, I'm obese. Heavy. Big boned. Overweight. No matter how you put it,  I am still fat. There's no glossing over it. No denying. Just simple reality. I am not thin, I'm fat.

Before you think I'm degrading myself, let me tell you about who I am. I am 5 ft 5 in tall and 252 lbs. My ancestors were strong German and English stock. I inherited wide hips and large chest from my dad's side of the family and from my mother's side, I inherited strong muscled large calves.
And I love food. The taste and smell gives me comfort like nothing else. But I also enjoy being active. I love walking and swimming and bicycling. Growing up, my parents struggled to put food on the table and clothes on our backs, but we never went without. Growing up, playing outside was the best thing in the world. Even as I was an active little kid, I still struggled with weight issues. And it wasn't just beacause of eating habits or lack of self control. Being fat is also in my genes as I mentioned before some of what I inherited.
Could I have made better choices? Maybe. But the cause of my weight is not in just one problem or habit. It all adds up. Environmental, physically, emotionally, all play a part in forming an opinion of myself.

I get self conscious when I'm choosing clothes to wear because I'm afraid to show off my curves. I had been taught that fat girls aren't pretty and that no one wants to be with a fat girl. Talk about self esteem killer. It's all over the media that thin women are beautiful and if you're fat,  you need to hide it or lose it. Wrong. So wrong.

Although I haven't signed up at a gym or have a personal exercise routine down, I do stay active at my job and at home, even while running errands. I find that the true battle with weight issues is not a physical battle,  but rather is a battle of the mind. What you think you are isn't always the truth. Let me say that again. What you THINK you are isn't always the truth.

I have days where I feel so fat that I can't imagine why anyone would want to talk to me. I also have days where I don't think about it at all.

You know the scenario. Kids choosing teams for some game they want to play and there always is the kid who gets chosen last; the kid that no one obviously wants on their team.
That is how it feels to be fat in a society that shuns those who don't fit the criteria of everyone else. I'm not saying go out there and be fat, doing nothing healthy for yourself. I'm talking about viewing yourself differently than you did before and making choices that are healthy for you. Not because the goal is to lose weight. But because you want to live a healthy life and have a better confidence in yourself.

Fat people are just as deserving of love as anyone else. Fat people need love too.

Be that one person who steps in and claims someone for their team rather than letting them be chosen last.

Here's another tidbit, we all have our vices. Mine is chocolate milk. I try not to have it around much because that would be all I would drink.

Mind over matter.

If you think you are something, chances are you are going to believe that it is true and live your life accordingly.

I am not defined by my weight. I am not defined by my bad or good habits. I am not defined by the exercise I get. I am defined by God as a loving, beautiful, faithful and free woman. His opinion of me is greater than others opinions of me. And my opinion of myself is greater than others opinions of me.

I am fat. I struggle with weight issues. I am insecure when I think about my weight.

But I am alive and living with a greater purpose than to change the outside of me. I live to see the inside of me change first. The rest will follow.

Don't let fear and insecurity tell you who you are.

radical acceptance

There are always certain things that we can depend on and accept just as they are. Laws of nature rule around us. 

For one, no matter where you stand in the world the sun is still there even behind the clouds. Even at night, he sun is reflected off of the moon. 
Two, what goes up, must come down for as much as it can. That is, except in space where there is zero gravity. 
Three, zebras will always be zebras. And bears will always be bears. You can train many animals but you can't take the animal out of them.

The laws of nature were set at the beginning of time and will be the same at the end of time.

In this age, we are deeply dependent on electronics, certain kinds of entertainment, foods, and when any of those are then away, we complain. 
We feel like our rights are being taken away. We've forgotten what all it took in the last 200 years to bring us to this point. We'd rather accept things at face value than remember the price that was paid for our liberties.

The fourth example of a fact we can depend on, is that no matter how hard we try, we cannot undo the past; neither years and years ago, nor the last five minutes. 
The past was and, exists between two realities; the first being the fact that time keeps marching on and what exists in the past, also exists even in the present through the physical effects of the past. Think of this as a ripple reality. One small movement causes the next movement to ripple out like ripples in water when a droplet falls into it.
The second reality, I call the memory reality is one that is more complex, yet simple in its definition. It is our memories that hold the past in the present moment. Experiences, good or bad, are tied to us through the perspective and interpretation that our brain shows us. This perspective can be right, wrong or neither, but it is a process that we all go thru to better understand what is going on around us.

OK so that said, the things that we accept as our reality become our reality by conscious or unconscious choice.

What does this mean? I believe it means different things to each person because each individual’s experiences are perceived various ways. There is a common bond between us simply because we are all humans and have the capacity to perceive so many variables in our lives. We may look at our life one way and another look into our life a different way, but in the end, it is the experience that dictates the outcome of our lives.

Why do I even write about this? It helps me to understand the complexities of my life and accept the realities in my life. There are things I can change and things I cannot. There are experiences that I can control and those I cannot. All add up to what I call my life. Past, Present and Future, all realities combined to create who I was, who I am and who I will be.

The thing about Radical Acceptance is that it takes all the pieces of the puzzle and accepts them to be a part of a bigger picture, even if the pieces are all jumbled together. Accepting situations as they are and learning from them, adapting to them, and struggling through them become a way of life. So I had a traumatic past. Don’t we all experience trauma in some sort of way? It is a part of who I am. So I struggle with mental illness. Don’t we all experience things differently? It doesn’t have to define who I am; it just is a part of me. So I can sit here and write about Radical Acceptance; don’t we all need to keep processing the truths that will set us free? It is a process that one has to accept.

I think of Radical Acceptance as an extreme way to say no to the negativity and fear, and yes to moving forward in my life. Isn’t that what we all want? Don’t we want a positive life well lived and remembered? I know that’s what I want.

I won't give up

I can't sleep. My head is pounding like a drum and my eyes hurt. Migraines are no thing to mess around with.

One of the troubles of having any kind of pain,  it breaks down your mental ability to function normally. Simple tasks become impossible. And emotions are a large percent more intense the normal. For a person without a mental illness, the effects of pain are still sometimes tolerable. But for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder especially, pain makes everything 100 times more intense. Even now as I write this, tears are in my eyes. Not just from the pain and lack of sleep, but also because my coping defenses are down and I struggle with my thoughts and memories. Everything seems larger and more undoable than ever.

I'm writing this because I want to remember that the reason why I suffer is real. The mental illnesses I live with are real and they often dictate my life.

But you know what? It doesn't have to always be that way. I can choose. Choose to push thru the pain,  thru the emotions and come out on the other side stronger for the fight.

I won't give up.