the cycle of impulsiveness

This is my apartment right in this moment. I don't know why I didn't see how bad it had got, but today I walked in and it was like my eyes opened and I see that I have the destructive addiction to stuff. Useful stuff. Always. But realistically,  how and better yet, when will I ever use all of it? Not to mention the time I spend buying it and organizing it and then start the cycle all over again.
I was told I can control my impulses. Right now,  they're kicking my ass. I thought about returning all the stuff I bought in the last week. (Approximately $400) But I hesitate at the idea because I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I spent all that time looking for clearance items and then to just turn around and return them causing more work for the store to process the return and restock. I've worked retail. I know how annoying it is. And then there is the issue of wanting to keep the stuff because I want it. Or because I need it. Or because I can use it. Or simply because I can. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself like I'm on a merry go round. It's fun at first but the faster you go the more likely you are going to get sick.
I was always the kid who would stay on the merry go round until it stopped on it's own. I never would jump off or try to stop it. I never knew when it was time to jump off or stop the circling. And yes, I did get sick sometimes. But mostly I had a rush. The feeling of losing control is like a magnet to me. Even though I complain about wanting to be in control and I am learning how to be, deep inside I really just want to let loose. Do all the things I've been told not to do. Do all the things that scare me. Buy all the things I've wanted but could never afford. Drive fast. Live on the edge. Go against everything I've been. No more shyness. No more fear. No more shame.
But it is all an illusion. Doing those things may help for a while until the next thing comes around. But in reality, it's all just a bejewelled steel clawed trap. And I find myself in it again and again.
The thing is, I don't feel guilty for the impulsive buying and impulsive actions of this week.  I feel kind of numb. But mostly I feel shame. And that's worse than any negative feeling to have.

I NEED HELP.