my get up and go, got up and left me in the dust

Most mornings I wake up excited for the day. Ready to face work and appointments and every other daily task.
And then there are the days where it seems like my blood is replaced with lead and it's all I can do to get out of bed. Forget about work, or watching a movie, or even reading. On those days I'm wide awake but unable to get out of bed and face things like getting dressed, eating, leaving the house.
My get up and go, got up and left me in the dust on those days.
Depression has many ways that it manifests in a person's life. For some, it's just a fog hovering relentlessly. For others it is like a lost dog following them around demanding attention.
For me, depression can be like a freight train struggling up hill. I catch myself thinking,  "I think I can. I think I can...". Some days are victorious. While some days only have tiny moments of victory. Today I struggled to get out of bed. I was almost late to work, but I made it. That's one victory for the day. And if that's all I accomplish, at least I know that I won that particular battle.
Depression isn't something that a person just "gets over". It's not something that can be ignored and sometimes it is elusive. Depression isn't just a state of mind, but is a consuming state of being. There are times where I am simply unable to explain the reason of why I feel the way I do. Not even to myself.

Then there are some days that depression has slunk off into a dark corner and I'm able to feel less burdened.

There are days when I feel almost happy and content with myself. Days where things are difficult to accomplish and all the mountains turn into molehills. Days where I am simply a nicer human being. Those are the days that I live for. And yet, I am learning to accept them all. Accept each day as it comes, without judgement, but with wisdom in knowing that this one day isn't eternity. The sun rises and the sun will go down. It's a matter of faith. Many people put their faith in various things. I put my faith in Christ Jesus because He is the only reasonable explanation for why I am alive. Even the story of my conception, the fact that another baby had to miscarry before I was conceived in the time that my mom would've carried my brother or sister. I became life where death had previously been. If my brother or sister had lived, I wouldn't be here. Pretty sobering thought. But then there are the countless times in my life that I have been in danger, through sickness, hazards, and even my own hand. And yet, God, My Father, saved me every time. He reached out with His love and compassion and held me out of harm's way. Depression seeks to destroy that faith. It seeks to tear down the safe feelings and replace them with fear. Depression is not a friend. It is an enemy that one day will be destroyed in me. And yet, I see how God can use depression to reach out to others who struggle the same way. He uses depression to show me how beautiful and precious life is. He gives me the grace to live with depression in this life. 

So today, I will fight. I will live. I will listen. And I will not let depression be my boss. I control my life, not depression, because I am strong and smart. Beautifully made. Precious in His eyes.