easter & a ceder meal

I love the Easter Season. There's so much hope and joy to celebrate the most important day in Christianity. Jesus' death on the cross on Good Friday and His resurrection from the grave three days later on Easter morning.
The reason I say that Easter is the most important day in Christianity is because it is the day that we were given a chance at eternal life with God. Without Jesus' sacrifice of His life, there would be no ransom paid to set us free from sin and death.  We'd all be lost.
Easter bunnies and egg hunts are cute, entertainment for the kids and sometimes the adults.  But that's not the focus of Easter. Good Friday is the day that Jesus was tried and even though He was found not guilty, He was still crucified and took all of our sins and sins done against us to the cross. And there they still are. Covered in His blood and powerless to those who embrace the hope of Jesus in their hearts.  Easter is about Jesus coming back from the dead and declaring that sin and death have lost their power.  How the demons and Satan must have trembled when they realized what had happened. 
But the angels and saints rejoiced knowing that new life is available to all who accept that what Jesus did on the cross was for them.
On Good Friday I went to Wabash Friend's Church to celebrate a traditional Jewish Ceder meal.  It would have been like what Jesus celebrated with the disciples at the Passover. There are so many significant things about the Ceder meal, but I'm not going to go into all of them. What stood out to me were the significance of the 5 cups during the meal.  You can read more about a Ceder meal here:

God made four promises at the time of passover:

I will take you out...
First cup of sanctification
Referring to God having Moses lead the Jews out from under Egyptian rule.

I will set you free...
The cup of plagues
Referring to the way that God set the Jews free by showing 10 signs of plagues, including the last one.  The death of every firstborn son. The Jews were instructed to cover their door posts with lambs blood and the Angel of Death would pass over them, sparing their firstborn.  That's why the celebration is called Passover. Jesus' death was the slaying of the Lamb of God so that those who called upon Him would be passed over on the day of judgment. 

I will redeem you...
The cup of redemption
Referring to the fact of what God has done and is doing for us. 

I will take you...
The cup of protection
Referring to the protection of belonging to God.  Jesus chose to not drink of this cup of protection so that He could be that sacrificial Lamb. 

The Cup of Wrath
The final cup is both present and future related. God's wrath was put on Jesus on the cross as He bore our sins even though He was innocent. And the Cup of Wrath is still yet to come where all will be judged according to their actions.  Those who have embraced Jesus and the sacrifice He made will be redeemed.

All that to say, I am very grateful to have such a loving God, give Himself for me.  That's what Easter truly means.

my get up and go, got up and left me in the dust

Most mornings I wake up excited for the day. Ready to face work and appointments and every other daily task.
And then there are the days where it seems like my blood is replaced with lead and it's all I can do to get out of bed. Forget about work, or watching a movie, or even reading. On those days I'm wide awake but unable to get out of bed and face things like getting dressed, eating, leaving the house.
My get up and go, got up and left me in the dust on those days.
Depression has many ways that it manifests in a person's life. For some, it's just a fog hovering relentlessly. For others it is like a lost dog following them around demanding attention.
For me, depression can be like a freight train struggling up hill. I catch myself thinking,  "I think I can. I think I can...". Some days are victorious. While some days only have tiny moments of victory. Today I struggled to get out of bed. I was almost late to work, but I made it. That's one victory for the day. And if that's all I accomplish, at least I know that I won that particular battle.
Depression isn't something that a person just "gets over". It's not something that can be ignored and sometimes it is elusive. Depression isn't just a state of mind, but is a consuming state of being. There are times where I am simply unable to explain the reason of why I feel the way I do. Not even to myself.

Then there are some days that depression has slunk off into a dark corner and I'm able to feel less burdened.

There are days when I feel almost happy and content with myself. Days where things are difficult to accomplish and all the mountains turn into molehills. Days where I am simply a nicer human being. Those are the days that I live for. And yet, I am learning to accept them all. Accept each day as it comes, without judgement, but with wisdom in knowing that this one day isn't eternity. The sun rises and the sun will go down. It's a matter of faith. Many people put their faith in various things. I put my faith in Christ Jesus because He is the only reasonable explanation for why I am alive. Even the story of my conception, the fact that another baby had to miscarry before I was conceived in the time that my mom would've carried my brother or sister. I became life where death had previously been. If my brother or sister had lived, I wouldn't be here. Pretty sobering thought. But then there are the countless times in my life that I have been in danger, through sickness, hazards, and even my own hand. And yet, God, My Father, saved me every time. He reached out with His love and compassion and held me out of harm's way. Depression seeks to destroy that faith. It seeks to tear down the safe feelings and replace them with fear. Depression is not a friend. It is an enemy that one day will be destroyed in me. And yet, I see how God can use depression to reach out to others who struggle the same way. He uses depression to show me how beautiful and precious life is. He gives me the grace to live with depression in this life. 

So today, I will fight. I will live. I will listen. And I will not let depression be my boss. I control my life, not depression, because I am strong and smart. Beautifully made. Precious in His eyes. 

humility

As I write this, I am sitting in my car waiting in line for a food giveaway at a local food bank. It's the first time I have participated in receiving from a food pantry and it is a humbling experience. I've prided myself in being able to provide for my needs and be able to volunteer at such food pantries. I never thought I would be on the receiving end. There is nothing wrong with going to food banks. There is no shame but the shame I put on myself.  I look at the line of cars waiting patiently for the giveaway to start and I see people. Individuals from all walks of life, who need this little bit of help. To some, it is all they have.  To others it is just a supplemental addition to their resources. To some, it is a very thin lifeline between them and living on the streets.
I could sit back and wallow in my embarrassment and shame. Or I can be thankful for places like this who give away a little hope with each grocery item they hand out.  I want to live like that. To offer hope even in its smallest quantity.  The world needs more hope, especially now.

fatigue is a bitch

Fatigue is a monster. It sucks my energy faster than a baby with a bottle. It causes my whole body to ache from the bone marrow to the skin. Fatigue makes me weak. Weakened and emotional. Fatigue is a parasite, sacking all determination out of my will. It doesn't stop. It even is creeping in as I sleep. When I wake up, my blood is like lead, weighing m down.  Fatigue makes it difficult to maintain relatiinships. When you don't have the strength to go out and make an effort at life, you get left behind.  Fatigue is worse than being exhausted. It's like a slow moving river. You can't stop it. You can build a dam to block it but the water still has to go through. Fatigue is like being smothered by a fuzzy blanket. Fatigue is like being gagged and tied up so you can't reach out for help.
There are always going to be obstacles and always unfinished tasks. There will be dirty laundry and dishes, unsweetened floors and windows needing cleaned. Life goes on whether we participate or not. Fatigue is a thief. It sneaks in and steals moments from us. Potential memories. Potential character building potential legacy. Fatigue is a monster.

castle

My life is like a castle
dark and tall.
Impenetrable.
Locked up tight.

The shadows of my towers
stretch out wide.
Unfathomable
to the eye.

Long is the width of my moat.
Depths unknown.
Unhospitable
is my gate.

Green ivy clings to my sides.
Masking me.
Inescapable
are my walls.

The colors of my pennants
faded grey.
Unprotectable
from the wind. 3

Shouts of triumph are not heard.
Just silence.
Unforgetable.
Old splendor.

In the haunted courtyard
flutter leaves.
Irivocable.
Memories.

What once was grand and gay.
Long lost now.
Unreplacable. 
is my Crest.

Tapestries and gilded doors
lay await.
Uncorruptable.
Locked in time.

Trophies of the ages past
gather dust.
Unsalvageable.
Useless gold.

Secrets locked in dungoen deep.
Always kept.
Undistructable.
Locked up tight.

Light breaking into the pits.
Casting hope.
Unrebukable.
All things new.

Once decayed and lost in time.
Lives well now.
Inconceivable?
No, this true.

the cycle of impulsiveness

This is my apartment right in this moment. I don't know why I didn't see how bad it had got, but today I walked in and it was like my eyes opened and I see that I have the destructive addiction to stuff. Useful stuff. Always. But realistically,  how and better yet, when will I ever use all of it? Not to mention the time I spend buying it and organizing it and then start the cycle all over again.
I was told I can control my impulses. Right now,  they're kicking my ass. I thought about returning all the stuff I bought in the last week. (Approximately $400) But I hesitate at the idea because I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I spent all that time looking for clearance items and then to just turn around and return them causing more work for the store to process the return and restock. I've worked retail. I know how annoying it is. And then there is the issue of wanting to keep the stuff because I want it. Or because I need it. Or because I can use it. Or simply because I can. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself like I'm on a merry go round. It's fun at first but the faster you go the more likely you are going to get sick.
I was always the kid who would stay on the merry go round until it stopped on it's own. I never would jump off or try to stop it. I never knew when it was time to jump off or stop the circling. And yes, I did get sick sometimes. But mostly I had a rush. The feeling of losing control is like a magnet to me. Even though I complain about wanting to be in control and I am learning how to be, deep inside I really just want to let loose. Do all the things I've been told not to do. Do all the things that scare me. Buy all the things I've wanted but could never afford. Drive fast. Live on the edge. Go against everything I've been. No more shyness. No more fear. No more shame.
But it is all an illusion. Doing those things may help for a while until the next thing comes around. But in reality, it's all just a bejewelled steel clawed trap. And I find myself in it again and again.
The thing is, I don't feel guilty for the impulsive buying and impulsive actions of this week.  I feel kind of numb. But mostly I feel shame. And that's worse than any negative feeling to have.

I NEED HELP.