the good, the bad, & the ugly

Oftentimes, it is hard to admit that I have a problem. I want to fix it on my own. However, there are things in life that I cannot fix and will never be able to fix. I can't make someone love me back. I can't undo the past. I can't change my mental illnesses. The only thing I can do in those types of situations is to have faith. Faith in Jesus  Christ and faith in myself. Who else, besides God, will believe in me 100% and 24/7? No one but myself.
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. And I believe they also leave us for a reason too. The trick is to make each relationship count and also learn to let go.

Letting go is hard. We want to have control. We want to have the security. Nothing in this life is sure except Jesus and His love for me.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I struggle with depression daily. Sometimes I just want to give up. But there is in me, a tiny part of me, that is holding on to the truth that God believes in me. How awesome is that? God, who is the ultimate being, perfect and holy, believes in me. Me. Clumsy, introverted, and mentally unstable at times, ME. He wants me to believe in Him, and I do. He doesn't depend on me believing in Him. He just loves me so much that He believes that I can overcome anything. With Jesus, I know I can. Some days I forget and life seems a bit more useless. He still believes in me. He's like the loving parent who cheers their child on in sports, or when they get an A+. He's cool like that.

I want to believe in myself. Accepting that God believes in me is kind of easy, because, come on, He's God. He can do ANYTHING. To believe in myself means I have to let go of control. Instead of forcing results, I have to live each day anew.

With the mental illnesses that I live with each day, I only have a portion of control over them. There are some things that are just that way. I have to learn to cope and to embrace the good in the diseases/disorders.

Honestly? That's my biggest struggle. I've discovered a few things that are good from my diagnosis.
With Borderline I am able to see things differently than people who don't struggle with mental illness. I am extremely loyal. If you prove yourself to me that you can be trusted then I'll give 100% to the relationship.
Depression helps me learn compassion and empathy. Some of my best art comes out of my depressed lows. I see colors everywhere more brilliantly than others. I experience my five senses more acutely. 
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often masks it's benefits with strict order then messiness.  It comes in waves, but the good things are that I can organize well when I'm being obsessive. Compulsions often get me into trouble when paired with Borderline's tendency to make me impulsive.  But then the obsessive organization often counteracts those tendencies.
Depression ultimately reveals my need of a Savior. I WOULDN'T BE HERE IF IT WEREN'T FOR JESUS. Depression also shows me how to be kind to others because you never know what someone is going through.
Borderline helps me gain netter understanding of my emotions and thoughts.  Some people go thru life out of touch with their emotions.  Some aren't aware how their thoughts impact their actons.

All that to say, I have a lot to learn one step at a time.  It's a slow excruciating process but worth it all the way.

I want people to see me as someone who wasn't defined by mental illness, but someone who is strong. Someone who rose above mental illness and truly lived. I don't want to take any day for granted.  I don't want to miss out on any opportunities God gives me. I don't want to be weak for lack of trying. And because I am learning to believe in myself, I won't be defeated.