memories

“I don’t know if I can stop myself from thinking about the past.”
“Then perhaps you should stop trying so hard. The past can eventually fade away on its own if you’ll replace it with something else.” 

- The Widow of Larkspur Inn

"but then, faith would not be necessary if one could be sure about everything."

 
- The Widow of Larkspur Inn

Two very powerful statements. So hard to live out. Sometimes I don't want the past to fade away. But in reality, it will and all that would be left is the remains of memories and life. I think of memories as paintings. They are ever changing as the memory is created. Same for the portrait, the artist sees a painting morph itself into something resembling what was intended but much better than that.

A childhood memory is often distorted by what is, what should've been, and what it isn't. Pieces are added or subtracted according to the mind of the adult remembering. They are shadows. Elusive and sometimes dangerous. They make up a large part of who we are, but mostly are who we were. Ever moving forward, that is life. Constantly changing and growing, we live and die, while the memories of us fade in time.

Memories are lonely. They play back like a tape recording and when the reel is finished, there is an empty hole that the memory filled for just a little while. We push stop on the movie of our memories and walk away, thinking that we leave them behind. But we don't. They are burned forever in our minds, stamped on our souls, and bleed from our hearts.

What memories do I want to keep? What do I do with the ones I don't? And what will people remember me by? Eventually, I will fade into the unknown, a smoke of a memory, then nothing. And I am ok with that.

the good, the bad, & the ugly

Oftentimes, it is hard to admit that I have a problem. I want to fix it on my own. However, there are things in life that I cannot fix and will never be able to fix. I can't make someone love me back. I can't undo the past. I can't change my mental illnesses. The only thing I can do in those types of situations is to have faith. Faith in Jesus  Christ and faith in myself. Who else, besides God, will believe in me 100% and 24/7? No one but myself.
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. And I believe they also leave us for a reason too. The trick is to make each relationship count and also learn to let go.

Letting go is hard. We want to have control. We want to have the security. Nothing in this life is sure except Jesus and His love for me.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I struggle with depression daily. Sometimes I just want to give up. But there is in me, a tiny part of me, that is holding on to the truth that God believes in me. How awesome is that? God, who is the ultimate being, perfect and holy, believes in me. Me. Clumsy, introverted, and mentally unstable at times, ME. He wants me to believe in Him, and I do. He doesn't depend on me believing in Him. He just loves me so much that He believes that I can overcome anything. With Jesus, I know I can. Some days I forget and life seems a bit more useless. He still believes in me. He's like the loving parent who cheers their child on in sports, or when they get an A+. He's cool like that.

I want to believe in myself. Accepting that God believes in me is kind of easy, because, come on, He's God. He can do ANYTHING. To believe in myself means I have to let go of control. Instead of forcing results, I have to live each day anew.

With the mental illnesses that I live with each day, I only have a portion of control over them. There are some things that are just that way. I have to learn to cope and to embrace the good in the diseases/disorders.

Honestly? That's my biggest struggle. I've discovered a few things that are good from my diagnosis.
With Borderline I am able to see things differently than people who don't struggle with mental illness. I am extremely loyal. If you prove yourself to me that you can be trusted then I'll give 100% to the relationship.
Depression helps me learn compassion and empathy. Some of my best art comes out of my depressed lows. I see colors everywhere more brilliantly than others. I experience my five senses more acutely. 
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often masks it's benefits with strict order then messiness.  It comes in waves, but the good things are that I can organize well when I'm being obsessive. Compulsions often get me into trouble when paired with Borderline's tendency to make me impulsive.  But then the obsessive organization often counteracts those tendencies.
Depression ultimately reveals my need of a Savior. I WOULDN'T BE HERE IF IT WEREN'T FOR JESUS. Depression also shows me how to be kind to others because you never know what someone is going through.
Borderline helps me gain netter understanding of my emotions and thoughts.  Some people go thru life out of touch with their emotions.  Some aren't aware how their thoughts impact their actons.

All that to say, I have a lot to learn one step at a time.  It's a slow excruciating process but worth it all the way.

I want people to see me as someone who wasn't defined by mental illness, but someone who is strong. Someone who rose above mental illness and truly lived. I don't want to take any day for granted.  I don't want to miss out on any opportunities God gives me. I don't want to be weak for lack of trying. And because I am learning to believe in myself, I won't be defeated.

wounds and bandages: a letter

My heart hurts. Every beat it beats serves as a reminder of all that I have faced. When I was writing this post, the following letter came to my mind as I thought about my life and the pain I have dealt with. It is so easy for me to forget that I am never alone. I forget that there is One who has never forgotten me, never hated me, never abandoned me. And even though He didn't always stop the horrible things from happening, He's beginning to show me how He was right there with me; taking the abuse and pain to the Cross. I still have scars from the painful things that have happened to me in my life, but then, so does He. He still bears the scars for me. For me. ME.

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Dear Child, 

You see, I've known what it's like to be rejected, distrusted, and lied about. I know what it's like to wonder whether or not if you are liked or even more so, loved. I have felt the sting of words, the disappointment in those I trusted, the weight of knowing that you'll never be who others want you to be. 

But that's ok. It's ok to be different. It's ok to know your own opinion, know who you are, and who you are not. 

It still hurts though. I know. I understand. I understand when you're having a good day and then WHAM! you get bombarded by the pain and it leaves you wilted inside. I understand what it is like to see your friends and family seemingly live their lives blissfully unaware of your pain. I understand what it is like to sit alone in the dark wishing that you had someone, anyone, to tell you it's going to be ok. 

You ARE going to be ok. 

I understand what it feels like to be left out, cast out, knocked out, and out of breath, out of time, tuned out, turned out, tossed out and put out every single day. I know what it is like to have your thoughts betray you, lie to you, shadow you, and beat you down until who you are is lost. I know what it feels like to be manipulated, mistreated, and forgotten. 

You think you are alone in this mess? 

Wrong. 

You are not alone. 

I was there too. I was rejected, I was mistreated, I was left out and turned out. I had those that I love hate me, lie to me, and use me. I know what it is like. 

You aren't alone.

I know how you feel. I have felt sad, unloved, hated, abused, lonely, and bruised. I know what grief is and is not. I know how crushing it is to feel that unbearable depression. I know. I have seen you. 

I have been right there with you.

You may not have felt me, seen me, touched me, loved me, but I have loved you. I have held you while nightmares tormented you. I have watched as you grew up in the abuse of your childhood. I have gone through every torment, every mistreatment, every low point that you ever faced. I was right there. I held your hand and you didn't know it. I wiped your tears and you didn't feel it. I stood between darkness and your life, but you never saw it. 

I know what you are going through. 

Look at Me. Look at My hands, My side. These scars were for you. I took all your pain and carried it to the Cross. There is no safer place that you can go than in My arms. I love you. I want you. I need you. 

You are sunshine and laughter, lighting up the day with your love. You are grace and beauty, covering all that you touch.

You are made in My image. 

Perfect.

Complete. 

Pure.

You may be wounded, but I have bandaged you. You may feel lost, but I have always known where you are. You may think you are worthless, but you are My precious jewel. You may think that all you will ever know is pain and sadness, but I give you peace and joy. You are My treasure, My Daughter, My friend,

And there is no one EVER who can capture My heart exactly as you do.

- Jesus Christ