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Know what really annoys me?
Being fat.
Being fat and people pointing it out. Or people pointing behind my back.
Yep. I'm being honest. And before you start saying things like "if you just would eat better or exercise more..."
Or "you have the power to change".
Let me tell you something. The typical responses and phrases you may say to "give me advice" is nothing I've haven't been telling myself. I don't need you to point out my size. I live in my large body 24/7. It's not that simple. For me, and many others, being heavy is not about food. Yep. Not about food. What about exercise? It could be for some an issue of not being able to be as active as they need to be. Or it simply is the fact that meds play a part in weight gain. I am on two meds that cause weight gain no matter what I eat or what I do. But the real issue is that I don't fit into your "perfect" mold. I've had people ask if I'm pregnant. I struggle to put my socks on. Most public seating like movie theatres and airplanes are a tight fit. I don't need anyone to point out my weight issues and label me as not "perfect". I beat myself up every day about my weight. Eat this. Don't eat that. Will this shirt fit or can I squeeze into those pants? What will people think of me? I'm nothing but a loser, a fatty, etc.
Don't even get me started on shopping for clothes that fit and that don't look like your grandma picked them out.
I haven't been clothes shopping in a few years cause it's too dissappointing. Today I spent 45 minutes trying to find some leggings for my size. I didn't find any. Cause at my size, people figure that form fitting clothes are not appropriate. Everything is baggy. Which only serves to make me look bigger. Well, let me tell you something. When you're large, pants or jeans with buttons hurt like hell when you sit down. The waistband cuts into my tummy. Leggings are comfy. End of story.
I struggle with poor self image because of my weight. It's been something I've struggled with my whole life. I look at people as either skinnier than me or larger than me. I pass judgement on thinner people AND on myself. I have an ideal of what a healthy person looks like. And that comes from the way our society works among other things.
I'm done with this. I'm tired of the hurt and tears when someone points out my weight or tells me to eat better. And the thing is......

I know I'm not the only one struggling with this.

I've been back and forth about whether to post this or not. And the voices of self doubt and condemnation haunt me as I write.

But no more. No more starving myself then binge eating. No more bouncing between diets. No more trying to cover my curves. No more telling myself that I'm too fat for anyone to love me.

Cause you know what?

I am so much MORE than the numbers on a scale.

I am kind. I am loyal. I am creative. I am compassionate. I am a good listener. I am strong. I am sensitive. I am spiritual. I am........

I am me. And that's all. No mirror tricks or clothing that disguises my body. No more self doubt.

If you are reading this and you get me, then leave a comment. Stand up for yourself. Don't let peole try to fit you into a mold that never was meant for you or I.

And to those who disagree with me. Ok. Fair enough. You're entitled to your opinion. Just think, if what you would type isn't uplifting or supporting then don't say it. Period.

We need to build each other up. We need to get real with real issues and face them instead of hiding them.

I look at this blog as a sounding board. A place where I can share my struggles, my joys and not be judged for it.

You are worth loving. You are strong and brave. You aren't alone.

Romans 10:9

I had an epiphany today. And it surprised me because I wasn't looking for it. Lol.
All my life I have gone thru so much hardship and trials. It makes looking back at my past very hurtful and sad. I used to think that my past was my past and had no impact on my present or future.
But today, I realized that thru remembering a bunch of miniscule events that happened to me several years ago, it has brought me to the place where I am now. Like if I hadn't gone thru those things, I wouldn't be where I am now. More and more I am convinced that life is not just a bunch of random events that shape our lives. They are entertwinned and overlapping each other all to bring about one thing and one thing only. Redemption. God is in the business of redeeming all that has been lost, broken, tarnished and painful. It's His passion.
And we are the recipients of this redemption. It's a gift. We only have to accept it.
I'm going to assume that the majority of you all have heard in some form the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about religious acts, denominations or the like. I'm talking about Romans 10:9  "if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Romans 10:9 ESV
What a powerful truth. It's rocked me to the core to realize that that gift of salvation is free for us. Free. No strings attached. And no matter what your past is, nor your present, if you choose to believe that Jesus is Lord and He rose from the grave to redeem your past and present, then you can guarantee that your eternal future will be better than you can ever imagine.
We will have trials and sadness and anger, but God, is infinatly big enough to handle those things for us.
My trials is my mental health diagnosis. God has not healed me. But He will someday. The healing is not just in the instantaneous act of healing but is rather in the process that God leads us thru in faith. I have spiritual battle scars from times when I fought against myself and the devil. Some wounds are still fresh. But today, as I write this, I recognize that thru the pain, comes healing and grace. I want to walk in such a way in my life that I no longer look at trials as inherently evil. But rather look at them as stepping stones to the very heart of God.
I hope that you all can understand what I am talking about. Know that you are wanted and very much loved by the one true God.