I'm not sure what to write. But I feel the words swelling inside of me. They are powerful and simple, but they're mine. Feelings that I feel often overwhelm me. Feelings that describe my state of mind, feelings that open my eyes to the reality of this life. Sometimes I think that if I close my eyes and imagine something that I'll be able to excape. That I'll be able to distract myself from responsibility and obligations. That if I imagine a world where I am who I want to be and I do the things I want to do, I'll be able to forget the past, forget the memories, and forget that I'm broken. But that's an illusion, a mist, and a lie. Reality is accepting the moment that you're in right now. That's really hard. We all like to think that we're better than we really are. That the world is better than what it is. But reality is that we are broken and the world is dying.
I'm struggling with thinking about my present and future. What am I doing? Why am I alive? What impact am I making on others around me? Am I making a difference? Am I reflecting Jesus? Do I even try? I think most of the time I hide. I hide behind words that mask the reality of my past. I avoid speaking about God in order to not offend. I don't tell people that I went to a school that trained missionaries. I don't tell people that the point of my internship was to share the Gospel. I don't tell people that I have a relationship with Jesus because I'm afraid that they will see the brokenness in me. And that they will not be drawn Him. What a lie! What a full-blown lie! Jesus said that He came to save the sick and the lost not the healthy. Jesus didn't come to conform to what the world says that He should be. Jesus is offensive. His truth, His love and His power were all directed to showing that we are lost without Him. Completely lost. I'm 31 now and the more I think about it the more I realize that I have a choice. A choice to live how the world says I should live. Or live how Jesus says I should live. He says be humble. He says be loving. He says do not fear. He says he's with me. He says so many things that I tend to ignore. Why? The only answer I have is because I am human and Humanity has lost that connection with the God that created us. Jesus is the bridge that connection and unless you acknowledge Him, being different is impossible. Being humble is impossible. Being anything other than what I am now is impossible without God.
I'm still scared. I still don't want to offend. I'm afraid that I won't be able to explain what Jesus has done for me, and how much I want them to be set free. It's not about how perfect I am or how perfect my life is. Thought about if I have all the answers or say the right words. It's not about what I have done or will do, but what God has done and what He will do.
